Jokes of the day for Friday, 19 April 2024

The Preacher's Teeth

A minister had all of his remaining teeth pulled out. New dentures were being made.

• The first Sunday, he only preached 10 minutes.
• The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes.
• On the third Sunday, he preached 1 hour 25 minutes.

When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this way:

“The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk. The second Sunday, my new dentures were hurting me a lot. The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures... and I couldn't shut up.”

My Dog

I threw a ball for my dog...
It's a bit extravagant I know, but it was his birthday and he looks great in a Tuxedo.

New savings account...

Mother decided that 10-year-old Cathy should get something 'practical' for her birthday.

"Suppose we open a savings account for you?" mother suggested. Cathy was delighted.

"It's your account, Darling," mother said as they arrived at the bank, "so you fill out the application."

Cathy was doing fine until she came to the space for 'Name of your former bank.' After a slight hesitation, she put down, 'Piggy.'

Chuck Norris invented Kentucky...

A trip to the dentist...

A woman phoned her dentist when she received a huge bill.

"I'm shocked!" she complained.

"This is three times what you normally charge."

"Yes, I know," said the dentist. "But you screamed so loudly, you scared away two other patients."

Bret Ernst: Blame America

Biblical Puns

Q: What was the secret of Delilah getting into Samson’s house?
A: She picked his locks.
Q: Why didn’t Pharaoh let the Israelites go into the wilderness after the first six plagues?
A: He was in de Nile.
Q: Why did Samson try to avoid arguing with Delilah?
A: He didn’t want to split hairs.

A Very Minor Sin

A famous professor of surgery died and went to heaven. At the pearly gates he was asked by the gatekeeper, "Have you ever committed a sin you truly regret?""Yes," the professor answered. "When I was a young candidate at the Hospital of Saint Lucas, we played soccer against a team from the Community Hospital, and I scored a goal, which was off-side. But the referee did not see it, and the goal won us the match. I regret that now."
"Well," said the gatekeeper. "That is a very minor sin. You may enter."
"Thank you very much, Saint Peter," the professor answered.
"You're welcome, but I am not Saint Peter," said the gatekeeper. "He is having his lunch break. I am Saint Lucas."

Sibling lessons

Charlie was playing with his little brother Mickey when the little boy asked whether he could fly like Superman.

"Sure you can, Mickey," Charlie said, "Just flap your arms really *really* hard."

So Mickey climbed up on the windowsill, started flapping like mad, jumped, then smashed into the ground two stories below.

Horrified, their mother came screaming into the room and said, "What the heck happened?!?"

Charlie said, "I was just teaching Mickey not to believe everything someone tells him."

Where did The Blood Come From?

Two vampire bats wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty for blood. One says, "Let's fly out of the cave and get some blood."
"We're new here," says the second one. "It's dark out, and we don't know where to look. We'd better wait until the other bats go with us."
The first bat replies, "Who needs them? I can find some blood somewhere." He flies out of the cave.
When he returns, he is covered with blood.
The second bat says excitedly, "Where did you get the blood?"
The first bat takes his buddy to the mouth of the cave. Pointing into the night, he asks, "See that black building over there?"
"Yes," the other bat answers.
"Well," says the first bat, "I didn't."

Rude Wife

Ever since I needed a wheelchair, my wife has been so rude to me.
She's been pushing me around and talking behind my back

The weirdest Christmas

People who wonder whether the glass is half empty or half full

Difference between a Friend and a Best Friend?

I would tell you a j...

“I would tell you a joke about squirrels, but you would go nuts.”