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Jokes of the day for Saturday, 12 July 2008

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Saturday, 12 July 2008

A student received a software ...

A student received a software package from his friend. But, he didn't have a computer.

The label on the package said that the software required "Windows 3.1 or better."

So, he bought a Macintosh.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Dos santos online - Not joke related site, but with joke of the day
  • Currently 3.43/10

Rating: 3.4/10 (7)

Two life-long friends were enj...

Two life-long friends were enjoying a few pints down at the local bar, when one said to the other:

"If I ask you a question, will you promise to answer me honestly?"

"Yeah, sure thing," replied his friend, "fire away."

"Well," said the first guy, "why do you think all the guys around here find my wife so attractive?"

"It's probably because of her speech impediment," replied the second guy.

"What do you mean her speech impediment?" inquired the first fellow.

"My wife doesn't have a speech impediment!"

"Well," replied his friend, "you must be the only guy who hasn't noticed that she can't say 'NO'!"
#joke
  • Currently 6.20/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (5)

SLIDESHOW #49 - Funny Photo Slideshow

Praise the Lord...

An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout, "PRAISE THE LORD!"

Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations that he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!"

Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for God to send her some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD! God, I need food. I am having a hard time. Please, Lord, send me some groceries."

The next morning, the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD!"

The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, "HA...HA. I told you there was no Lord! I bought those groceries, myself! God didn't!"

The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and saying, "PRAISE THE LORD! He not only sent me groceries, but He made the Devil pay for them! PRAISE THE LORD!"

#joke
  • Currently 4.50/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (4)

My brother read a book about D...

My brother read a book about Davy Crockett. He said: "Did you know Davy Crockett had three ears?"
I said, "No, I didn't."

He said, "Well he did you know. He had a right ear, a left ear and a wild frontear."

#joke #short
Joke | Source: http://news.scotsman.com/ - Joke of the day
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

With Viagra such a hit, ...

With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer, pharmaceutical company, is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today's society.

DIRECTRA - A dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask for directions when they got lost compared to a control group where only 0.2 percent asked for directions.

PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.

CHILDAGRA - Men taking this drug reported a sudden, overwhelming urge to perform more child-care tasks, especially cleaning up spills and little accidents.

COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.

BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after taking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorite store's return limit.

NEGA-VIAGRA - Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents.

NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.

CAPAGRA - Caused test subjects to become uncharacteristically fastidious about lowering toilet seats and replacing toothpaste caps. Subjects on higher doses were seen dusting furniture.

PRYAGRA - About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people. Note: Apparent overdose turned three test subjects into special prosecutors.

LIAGRA - This drug causes men to be less than truthful when they are asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular, Grand Jury and Presidential Strength versions.

#joke
Joke | Source: http://www.webwombat.com.au/ - Jokes: Joke of the Day
  • Currently 4.40/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (5)

Computer Science: A discipline...

Computer Science: A discipline concerned about solving today's problems tomorrow.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Click The City - Philippine's Leading Lifestyle and Entertainment Guide.
  • Currently 4.33/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (3)

Drinking Too Much


A man sat down at a bar, looked into his shirt pocket, and ordered a double scotch.

A few minutes later, the man again peeked into his pocket and ordered another double. This routine was followed for some time, until after looking into his pocket, he told the bartender that he's had enough.

The bartender said, "I've got to ask you - what's with the pocket business?"

The man replied, "I have my lawyer's picture in there. When he starts to look honest, I've had enough."





#joke #lawyer
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 6.25/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (8)

You might be a redneck if 50

You might be a redneck if...

You think cur is a breed of dog.

People hear your car long before they see it.

Your four-year-old is a member of the NRA.

Your satellite dish payment delays buying school clothes for the kids.

Your most expensive shoes have numbers on the heels.

Your wife has ever burned out an electric razor.

Your birth announcement included the word "rug rat".

You've ever hitchhiked naked.

You're turned on by a woman who can field dress a deer.

Your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse.

#joke
  • Currently 6.78/10

Rating: 6.8/10 (9)

Blonde Passenger

A blonde is on a four-engine plane crossing the Atlantic. All of a sudden there's a loud bang. The pilot announces over the intercom "I'm sorry, one of our engines has just shut off. We'll be delayed 45 minutes."
Suddenly there's another bang. Once again, the intercom clicks on and the pilot expresses his regret that they''ll be delayed two hours.
Shortly thereafter, there is another bang and the pilot announces that they'll be delayed 3 hours.
The blonde turns to the guy sitting beside her and says, "Man, if the fourth engine shuts off we''ll be up here all day."
#joke #blonde
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 4.80/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (5)

Bike

A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives to be civilized and kind to each other when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.
So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."
The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.
The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Man riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them both..
The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied, "My bike."

#joke
  • Currently 9.00/10

Rating: 9.0/10 (5)

What's with the nuts?

A guy goes into a bar. He's sitting on the stool, enjoying his drink when he hears, "You look great!" He looks around - there's nobody near him. He hears the voice again, "No really, you look terrific."

The guy looks around again. Nobody. He hears, "Is that a new shirt or something? Because you are absolutely glowing!" He then realizes that the voice is coming from a dish of nuts on the bar.

"Hey," the guy calls to the bartender, "What's with the nuts?"

"Oh," the bartender answers, "They're complimentary."

#joke
  • Currently 4.80/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (15)

Unputdownable Laughs: Jokes for Book Lovers Guaranteed to Elicit Giggles

Short book Jokes

A book fell on my head.
I can only blame my shelf.

I found a foolproof way to avoid sunburns.
It’s called ‘stay inside all day and read.’

I’ve spent all day reading.
It was bound to happen.

My TBR pile is out of control:
I have no shelf control.

After watching me read War and Peace, my son asked me,
“Dad, why is your book so thick?”
I said, “Well, it’s a long story.”

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity.
I just can’t put it down.

It’s so easy to get lost in a book about mazes.
I like big books and I cannot lie.

You can’t buy happiness, but you can buy books, and that’s practically the same thing.

That book about Mt. Everest
had quite a cliffhanger.

Dystopian novels
are so 1984.

Never read Fitzgerald?
You Gatsby kidding me!

I got my friend to read Jane Austen.
She just needed a little Persuasion.

Have you heard about Waldo? He went abroad and found himself.

ISBN thinking about you.

Past, present, and future walked into a bar.
It was tense.

Did you hear about the author in jail?
They put him in the writer’s block.
Couldn’t get past his first sentence.

Witches are the best editors because they always run spell-check.

I’ve written a book about falling down a staircase.
It’s a step-by-step guide.

Talk wordy to me.

Q/A Book Jokes

Q: Why are books so afraid of their sequels?
A: Because they always come after them.

Q: Why do bookworms break up?
A: Because they’re not on the same page.

Q: Why are books so brave?
A: They have the spine for it.

Q: What do you call 2,000 mockingbirds?
A: Two kilo mockingbird.

Q: Why did the kid always sit in his wardrobe when reading a book?
A: Narnia business!

Q: What is Bigfoot’s favorite book?
A: Hairy Potter.

Q: What did the librarian say to someone who checked out over 100 books?
A: “Are you sure you want to borrow all those books? You don’t want to overdue it.”

Q: Why did Dracula go to the library?
A: He wanted to sink his teeth into a good book.

Q: Why can’t you go to the world’s biggest library?
A: It’s always overbooked.

Q: How do libraries make sure novels stay warm?
A: They give them book jackets.

Q: Why was the library so tall?
A: Because it had a lot of stories.

Q: Why are writers always cold?
A: Because they’re surrounded by drafts.

Q: What is the spookiest kind of author?
A: A ghostwriter.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: John Chris - Funny jokes collected from all around
  • Currently 8.75/10

Rating: 8.8/10 (4)

When young, I decided to go to...

When young, I decided to go to Medical School. At the entrance exam we were asked to rearrange the letters PNEIS and form the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.
Those who said SPINE are doctors today.
The rest of us went to flight school..
#joke #doctor
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 8.00/10

Rating: 8.0/10 (7)

Two attorneys went into a dine...

Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat.
The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"
The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 8.33/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (3)

The boss ordered one of his me...

The boss ordered one of his men to dig a hole eight feet deep. After the job was completed the boss returned and explained an error had been made and the hole wouldn't be needed. "Fill 'er up," he ordered.
The worker did as he'd been told. But he ran into a problem. He couldn't get all the dirt packed back into the hole without leaving amound on top. He went to the office and explained his problem.
The boss snorted. "Honestly! The kind of help you get these days! There's obviously only one thing to do. You'll have to dig that hole deeper!"
#joke
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 8.44/10

Rating: 8.4/10 (9)

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