Jokes of the day for Friday, 18 July 2008

A guy got on a bus one day and...

A guy got on a bus one day and sat in the aisle seat beside an elderly lady. A few minutes later, he couldn't control himself and had to let loose a big noisy fart.
Embarrassed, he tried to make conversation with the lady and asked her "Do you by any chance have today's paper"?

The lady looked at him and said "No, but the next time we pass by a tree I'll grab you a handful of leaves."

The day after a man lost his w...

The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door. "We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife."

"Well, tell me!" the man said.

The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."

So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in San Francisco Bay."

"Oh my god!" said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?"

"Well," said the policeman, "when we pulled her up she had two five- pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her."

"If that's the good news, then what's the great news?" Mr. Wilkens demanded.

The policeman said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."

The golf ball...

These two guys were approaching the first tee. The first guy goes into his golf bag to get a ball and says to his friend, "Hey, why don't you try this ball?"

He draws a green golf ball out of his bag. "You can't lose it."

His friend replies, "What do you mean you can't lose it?!"

The first man replies, "I'm serious, you can't lose it. If you hit it into the woods, it makes a beeping sound, if you hit it into the water it produces bubbles, and if you hit it on the fairway, smoke comes up in order for you to find it."

Obviously, his friend doesn't believe him, but he shows him all the possibilities until he is convinced. The friend says, "Wow! That's incredible! Where did you get that ball?!"

The man replies, "I found it."

Why did the scarecrow win the ...

Why did the scarecrow win the Nobel Prize?

Three women escape from ...

Three women escape from prison - a blonde and two brunettes - and to get away from the cops they hide in an abandoned farm house.

Inside the house there are three sacks that the escapees crawl into when the police search the building.

One of the cops sees the sacks and yells, "There's just three burlap sacks in here!" To which his partner replies "Then kick them just to be sure it's not them hiding".

The officer goes and kicks one with a brunette in it and she yells "MEEEYYOWW!"

The officer says "Oh, its just a stupid cat in there."

So he kicks the one with the other brunette in it and she yells "RUUFFF RUFFF!"

The officer says "Oh, it's just a stupid dog!"

Then he kicks the sack with the blonde in it and she yells "POTATOES!"

What has two feet on both ends...

What has two feet on both ends and one foot in the middle? A yardstick!

Scary Collection 26

A vampire joke

What happened to the mad vampire?

He went a little batty!


A demon joke

What is the best way to get rid of a demon?

Exorcise a lot!


A ghost joke

What kind of jewels to ghosts wear?

Tombstones!


A demon joke

Why do demons and ghouls get on so well?

Because demons are a ghouls best friend!


A vampire joke

Where do vampires go on holiday?

The Isle of Fright!


A vampire joke

What's a vampire's favourite soup?

Sharks' fang soup!


A vampire joke

Which vampire ate the three bears porridge?

Ghouldilocks!

Wishes at law office

A paralegal, an associate and a partner of a prestigious law firm are walking through a city park and they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.

The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."

"Me first! Me first!" says the paralegal. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat with Brad Pitt."

Poof! She's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the associate. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with a professional hula dancer on one side and a Mai Tai on the other."

Poof! He's gone.

"You're next," the Genie says to the partner.

The partner says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Through the Desert On a Man With No Ears

A man was in a bad accident and was injured. But the only permanent damage he suffered was the loss of both ears, which made him very self-conscious. However, he received a large sum of money from his insurance company.

It was always his dream to own his own business, so he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm. But he realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business. He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them. The last question of the interview was always the same.

"Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the first candidate.

"Yes. You have no ears."

He quickly eliminated the first candidate.

"Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the second candidate.

"Yes. You have no ears."

He quickly eliminated the second candidate.

"Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the third candidate.

"Yes. You're wearing contacts."

Thinking he had found the man for the job he said, "That's correct. How did you know?"

"You can't wear glasses if you don't have any freakin' ears."

Do Cats Go to Heaven?

A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, "You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask."
The cats says, "Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors."
God says, "Say no more." And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat. The mice said, "All our lives we've had to run. Cats, dogs and even women with brooms have chased us. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore."
God says, "Say no more." And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.
About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks, "How are you doing? Are you happy here?"
The cat yawns and stretches and says, "Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best!"

No Church

I have always questioned if Jessie Jackson and Al Sharpton were really preachers since they have no church.

When I heard Al Sharpton was guest preacher at a black Houston Church, I decided to check him out in person and see what it was all about..........

I sat down and Sharpton came up to me, I don't know why, maybe it was because I was the only white person in the Church.

He laid his hands on my hand and said: "By the will of Jesus the Lord All Mighty, and the will of God, you will walk today."

I told him I was not paralyzed.

He came back and laid his hands on me again, and repeated the same thing.  Again I told him there is nothing wrong with me.

After the sermon I stepped outside and lo and behold, my f!**king car had been stolen!

After she woke up, a woman tol...

After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight." he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams"

Cowboys secret

A tough old cowboy once counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.

The grandson did this religiously and he lived to the age of 93.

When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great grandchildren and a fifteen foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

A young couple, just married...

A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband -- who was a big burly man -- tossed his trousers to his bride and said, "Here, put these on."
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I cant wear your trousers," she said.
"That's right, said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family."
With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."
He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. "Hell," he said. I cant get into your panties!"
She replied, "That's right, and that's the way its going to stay until your attitude changes."

A man asked his wife...

A man asked his wife, "What would you most like for your birthday?"
She said, "I'd love to be ten again."
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and they went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park - the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. She had a go on every ride there was. She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach turning. Then off to a movie theater, popcorn, cola and sweets.
At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed.
Her husband leaned over and asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?"
One eye opened and she groaned, "Actually, honey, I meant dress size!"