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Jokes of the day for Friday, 25 July 2008

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 25 July 2008

Sometimes ...
when you c...

Sometimes ...
when you cry ...
no one sees your tears...

Sometimes...
when you are in pain...
no one sees your hurt...

Sometimes...
when you are worried...
no one sees your stress...

Sometimes ...
when you are happy ...
no one sees your smile ...

But fart just one time...
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Used to be Joke rating machine, but this site is dead
  • Currently 6.30/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (10)

What a talent....

A family was visiting an Indian reservation when they happened upon an old tribesman lying face down in the middle of the road with his ear pressed firmly against the blacktop.

The father of the family asked the old tribeman what he was doing. The tribesman began to speak..."woman, late thirties, three kids, one barking dog in late model, white, four-door station wagon, traveling at 65 m.p.h.

"That's amazing!" exclaimed the father. "You can tell all that just by listening to the ground?"

"No," said the old tribesman, weakly. "They just ran over me five minutes ago!"

#joke #animal #dog
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 6.86/10

Rating: 6.9/10 (7)

How do you make a Maltese cros...

How do you make a Maltese cross?
Poke him in the eye.

Peter Welsh, Juniper Green

If you have a joke you would like to share with us e-mail: letters_en@edinburgh news.com


The full article contains 39 words and appears in Edinburgh Evening News newspaper.
Page 1 of 1

Joke | Source: http://news.scotsman.com/ - Joke of the day
  • Currently 5.17/10

Rating: 5.2/10 (6)

TheyÂ’d successfully clo...

TheyÂ’d successfully cloned a man in Holland and he was like the host in every way, except that he had a tendency for really foul language and rude body gestures.

Since he was so vulgar, the scientists knew that they couldn’t show him to the news people, due to the embarrassment they’d endure as a scientific body. So they decided to “eliminate” this one and start on a new one.

The scientists lured the guy to an open window 14 storeys up and then shoved him out. Needless to say he splattered upon impact.

When the law got involved, they couldnÂ’t decide what to charge the scientists with: On one hand, the Conservatives were saying that the dead man was, indeed, a human being and that the scientists were murderers. From the other side, the Liberals were saying that the guy was a lab experiment and, therefore, not entitled to any rights.

The cops finally decided to charge the scientists with Â…making an Obscene Clone Fall.

#joke
Joke | Source: http://www.webwombat.com.au/ - Jokes: Joke of the Day
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (6)

Which travels faster -- heat o...

Which travels faster -- heat or cold? Heat -- because we catch cold.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Click The City - Philippine's Leading Lifestyle and Entertainment Guide.
  • Currently 4.40/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (5)

You Are From Canada


You know your from Manitoba, Canada, when....


  1. You only know three spices - salt, pepper and ketchup.

  2. You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

  3. The mosquitoes have landing lights.

  4. You have more miles on your snowblower than your car.

  5. You have 10 favourite recipes for moose meat.

  6. Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.

  7. You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is one meter above the ground.

  8. You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.

  9. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.

  10. You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.

  11. The local paper covers national and international headlines on 1/4 page, but requires 6 pages for sports.

  12. At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.

  13. The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.

  14. Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof.

  15. You think the start of moose season is a national holiday.

  16. You head south to go to your cottage.

  17. You frequently clean grease off your barbeque so the bears won't prowl on your deck.

  18. You know which leaves make good toilet paper.

  19. The major parish fund-raiser isn't bingo - it's sausage making.

  20. You find -40C a little chilly.

  21. The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freezer.

  22. You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelry and your Sorels.

  23. You can play road hockey on skates.

  24. You know 4 seasons - Winter, Still Winter, almost Winter and Construction.

  25. The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.

  26. You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your Northern friends.






#joke #halloween #christmas #animal #bear #mosquito #food #salt #pepper #meat #barbeque #sport #hockey
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 4.67/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (6)

New stamp

Did you hear that the post office had to recall a recent stamp release?

The stamps had pictures of lawyers on them and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

Submitted Curtis

Edited by Glaci

#joke #short #lawyer
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 5.25/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (8)

Final Confession

Brittany was on her deathbed, with her husband Adam at her side.

She kept trying to tell him something, but he kept saying, "Shhhh, don't worry now darling, just rest."

"But honey," she whispered, "I need to make a confession before I die... I slept with your brother, your best friend, and your father."

"Don't worry about it, sweetie," replied Adam as he wiped the tears from Brittany's cheek, "I know. Why do you think I poisoned you?"

#joke #food #honey
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 4.11/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (9)

There were these twin sisters...

There were these twin sisters just turning one hundred years old in St. Luke's Nursing Home and the editor of the Cambridge rag, "The Cambridge Distorter," told a photographer to get over thereand take the pictures of these 100 year old twin bitteys.
One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well.
The photographer asked them to sit on the sofa and the deaf one said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
He said, "WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!" said the other.
"Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman.
Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE." So they wiggled up close to each other.
"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer.
Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"
With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, "OH MY GOD - BOTH OF US?"
#joke
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 8.08/10

Rating: 8.1/10 (12)

Apples

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
"Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

#joke #fruit #apple #food #lunch #chocolate
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Originally taken from site that work no more - Get Frank - NZ's Online Men's Lifestyle Magazine for Fashion, Health, Lifestyle, Recreation Articles & Reviews, Funny jokes and photos updated daily
  • Currently 7.30/10

Rating: 7.3/10 (10)

The toilet at my local police...

The toilet at my local police station has been stolen. The cops have nothing to go on.
#joke #short #policeman
Joke | Source: Laugh Factory Network - Watch our huge library of the best stand-up comedy videos, get information on our stand-up comedians, read our joke of the day
  • Currently 8.47/10

Rating: 8.5/10 (15)

There is this taxi driver in N...

There is this taxi driver in New York City, and it is nearing the end of his shift but he decides that he will pick up one more person before he turns in for the night. So he stops and pulls over and a nun gets in the car. She tells him where to go and they start off. It is a long drive and the driver keeps looking at the nun through the rear view mirror of his cab.
Now, the nun is getting very upset by this and says, "Um...can I help you??!!"
The taxi driver looks very embarrassed and says, "I'm sorry, it's very embarrassing, I cannot say."
And the nun looks at him and says, "Now, my son, I have been in this business far too long to be disturbed by anything you have to say, so go ahead."
The driver thinks for a minute and says, "Ok, well, for as long as I can remember, I have had the biggest fantasy about kissing a nun."
She looks amused at first then replies, "Well, I think I can help you with that, but first you must promise me two things, the first is that you are a Catholic, the second is that you are single. If you can promise this, I shall give you what you ask for."
And the driver says, "Great!! Sure I'm a single Catholic!!"
So they pull into an alley and the nun crawls into the front seat of the cab and gives the driver an amazing kiss. Porn stars would be envious of this kiss. And they finish up and get back on the road.
Soon the taxi driver starts looking nervous and peering at the nun in the rear view mirror again. Just staring at her, and when the nun asks him why he is staring and he says, "Well, I'm afraid I haven't been completely honest with you. You see, I'm not a catholic, and I'm also married."
The nun smiles and says, "Well, I haven't been honest with you either...My name is Kevin, and I'm going to a Halloween party."
#joke #halloween
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 8.60/10

Rating: 8.6/10 (10)

Advice From a Wise Woman

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an Elderly Native American Woman walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the woman.
The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
‘What in bag?’ asked the old woman. Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, ‘It’s a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.’
The woman was silent for another moment or two.
Then, speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, ‘Good trade.’

#joke #drinks #wine
Joke | Source: Friars Club - For over 25 years the Sunshine Committee has been providing entertainment, companionship and love to children's and senior citizens centers in the NY area.
  • Currently 6.27/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (11)

This morning as I was buttonin...

This morning as I was buttoning my shirt, a button fell off.
After that, I picked up my briefcase, and the handle fell off.
Then I went to open the door, and the doorknob fell off.
I went to get into my car, and the door handle came off in my hand.
Now I'm afraid to pee.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 8.56/10

Rating: 8.6/10 (16)

Cold Water

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Georgia.
After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, "Are these plates clean?"

His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get them. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!"
For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"
Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!"
Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass. John yelled and said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car".

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted ... "COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN!!!!"

#joke #animal #dog #food #breakfast #lunch #dinner #egg #meal #bacon #sport #football
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Originally taken from site that work no more - Get Frank - NZ's Online Men's Lifestyle Magazine for Fashion, Health, Lifestyle, Recreation Articles & Reviews, Funny jokes and photos updated daily
  • Currently 5.27/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (11)

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