Jokes of the day for Sunday, 27 July 2008

Fred called his friend in tear...

Fred called his friend in tears.

"I can't believe it," he sobbed. "My wife left me for my golfing partner."

"Get a hold of yourself, man," said his friend. "There are plenty of other women out there."

"Who's talking about her?" said Fred. "He was the only guy that I could ever beat!"

Turn signal...

On a recent flight I was on, this elderly woman kept peering out the window.

Since it was totally dark, all she could see was the blinking wing tip light.

Finally, she rang for the flight attendant.

"I'm sorry to bother you," she said, "but I think you should inform the pilot that his left-turn indicator is on and has been for some time."

First-year students at ...

First-year students at Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: the first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."

For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the professor looked at them and told them: "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."

Why did the whale cross the oc...

Why did the whale cross the ocean? To get to the other side!

Business One-liners 83

Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value.

Maybe I can't make you do it but I sure can make you sorry you didn't!

Maybe you can't buy happiness, but these days you can certainly charge it.

Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe.

Men can live without air for a few minutes, without water for a few days, without food for about two months, and without new thoughts for years on end.

Mere unassisted merit advances slowly, if it advances at all.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Most projects require three hands.

Most well-trodden paths lead nowhere.

Multitasking allows screwing up several things at once.

The Pirate and the s

A pirate walked into a bar with a steering wheel coming out of his fly. As he walks up to the bar the bartender says, "Hey pal, you know you've got a steering wheel coming out of your fly?"

And the pirate says "R it's driving me nuts!"

An Old Fart

One evening, a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seems okay but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up.

Again, she seems okay but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.

Later, the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.

"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."

Ted Alexandro: Future Wife

Im single. I often think about my future wife and how lax shes been about getting in touch with me.

Pete Holmes: Employee Discount

What do you think the employee discount is at the Dollar Store? Do you think its just take it?

Police investigation

A lady dies and the police finds out she was the madam at an illegal brothel They find her black book of workers and clients so they assign Bill, an older, widowed detective to talk to the women to find out more about the operation. They figure as an older man Bill won't be as enticed as younger detectives by the pretty young women.

A few weeks into the investigation Bill goes to his supervisor and says he needs to be relieved of the case because of a conflict of interest. The supervisor asks what he means.

"Well," Bill says, "All was going well and I was getting good info from the girls, but then the last woman in the book was Cindy, a sweet, beautiful and funny 59 year old. We met a couple of times and to make a long story short, we started dating and have now become an item."

The supervisor looks at Bill and says "I can't believe it Bill. Thirty eight years on the job, 2 years away from retirement, and you fell for the oldest trick in the book."

Things t...

Things to say to the boss to get you fired:

"I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public."

"I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid."

"Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are you?"

"Who me? I just wander from room to room."

"I pretend to work. You pretend to pay me."

"Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?"

"Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?"

"Earth is full, go home!"

"How about 'never'? Is 'never' good for you?"

"Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental."

Two 90-year-old women, Rose an...

Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives. When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day. One day Barb said, "Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's soft-ball there."
Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said, "Barb, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you." Shortly after that, Rose passed on.
At midnight a few nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, "Barb, Barb."
"Who is it?" asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Barb, it's me, Rose."
"You're not Rose. Rose just died."
"I'm telling you, it's me, Rose," insisted the voice.
"Rose! Where are you?"
"In Heaven," replied Rose. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," said Barb.
"The good news," Rose said, "is that there's Softball in Heaven. Better yet all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired."
"That's fantastic," said Barb. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what'sthe bad news?"
"You're pitching Tuesday."

The woman entered the room, an...

The woman entered the room, and with a knowing smile teasing her full lips, she sank into the comfort of the plush chair in the corner.
The handsome stranger turned, having sensed her approach.
Locking his steely grey eyes on hers, he moved slowly toward her, his experienced gaze measuring her, hypnotizing her with his soft murmurs of assurance.
He sank to his knees before her and without a word, smoothly released her from her constraining attire. With a sigh of surrender, she allowed his foreign hands to unleash her bare flesh. He expertly guided her through this tender, new territory, boldly taking her to heights she had never dared to dream of, his movements deliberate, confident in his ability to satisfy her every need.
Her senses swam. She was overcome with an aching desire that had gone unfulfilled for so long. And, just as it seemed that ecstasy was within her grasp, he paused, and for one heart-stopping moment, she thought, "It's too big! - it will never fit!"Then, with a sudden rush, it slid into place as if it had been made only for her. As pleasure and contentment washed over her, she met his steady gaze, tears of gratitude shining in her eyes.
And he knew it wouldn't be long before she returned. Oh, yes, this woman would want more. She would want to do it again and again and again...
Don't you just love shopping for shoes?

Praise the Lord

An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout, "PRAISE THE LORD!"

Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations that he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!"

Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for God to send her some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD! God, I need food. I am having a hard time. Please, Lord, send me some groceries."

The next morning, the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD!"

The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, "HA...HA. I told you there was no Lord! I bought those groceries, myself! God didn't!"

The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and saying, "PRAISE THE LORD! He not only sent me groceries, but He made the Devil pay for them! PRAISE THE LORD!"

30 Earth Day Jokes! Celebrate Earth Day of 2023

April 22nd is Earth Day! Take care of earth! Earth Day of 2023, find event and join!

1. Why did the leaf go to the doctor?
It was feeling green.

2. Why are people always tired on Earth Day?
Because they just finished a March.

3. How can you tell the ocean is friendly?
It waves.

4. Why is grass so dangerous?
Because it’s full of blades.

5. Why did the sun go to school?
To get brighter.

6. How do you cut a wave in half?
Use a sea saw.

7. What did the tree wear to the pool party?
Swimming trunks.

8. What did the ground say to the earthquake?
You crack me up!

9. What kind of shorts to clouds wear?
Thunderwear!

10. Why do tornadoes zigzag?
They’re dizzy.

11. Why did the woman go outdoors with her purse open?
Because she expected some change in the weather.

12. What’s the difference between weather and climate?
You can’t weather a tree, but you can climate.

13. What kind of plant grow on your hand?
Palm tree.

14. What happens when it rains cats and dogs?
You have to been careful not to step in a poodle.

15. What is a tree’s least favorite month?
Sep-timber!

16. What’s the biggest moth in the world?
A mammoth!

17. What did the little tree say to the big tree?
Leaf me alone!

18. Did you hear about the power plant that was bad for the environment all year?
He got coal for Christmas.

19. What did one lightening bolt say to the other??
You're truly shocking!

20. Mother to son: "You shouldn't always lounge around so lazily on the couch!"
Son: "I'm doing something for the environment — I'm saving energy!

21. What is a tree’s least favorite month?
Sep-timber!

22. What did the tree wear to the pool party?
Swimming trunks.

23. How can you tell the ocean is friendly?
It waves.

24. A climate scientist and a climate change denier walk into a bar.
The denier says, nice to see you.
The climate scientist says, nice to CO2.

25. If I ride my bike twice
… does that count as RE-CYCLING?

26. "I'm vegan, by the way," says a vegan. "Oh, probably out of your love for animals?" a friend replies. "No, out of plant hatred, pure plant hatred!"

27. Freedom for the gummy bears! Away with the plastic bags!

28. What kind of bow can't be tied?
A rainbow!

29. How do hurricanes see?
With one eye!

30. My teacher wanted me to come up with a set of steps that we could use to save the environment …
So I created an Al Gore-ithm.