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Jokes of the day for Thursday, 31 July 2008

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Thursday, 31 July 2008

Ten reas...

Ten reasons why alcohol should be served at work:

1 It's an incentive to show up.

2 It encourages car sharing.

3 Increases job satisfaction because you don't care.

4 It makes fellow employees look better.

5 It makes the canteen food taste a lot better.

6 It reduces stress.

7 Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

8 You tell management what you think, not what they want to hear.

9 Burping during meetings isn't so embarrassing.

10 Bosses are more likely to hand out raises.
#joke
Joke | Source: Jobs 1 - UK Job search joke of the day
  • Currently 5.38/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (13)

An Ideal Marriage


Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 6.18/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (11)

Two elderly men Sam and Arthur...

Two elderly men Sam and Arthur, avid bridge players get some bad news Arthur is dying. Sam says to Arthur, please Arthur when you get to heaven somehow send me a message and let me know if there's any bridge up there. Arthur says he'll try.

Arthur passes away and a week goes by, not a word. Then suddenly Sam gets the call. "Sam" Arthur says, there's good news and bad news. The good news is there's a duplicate on Tuesday, the bad news is you're playing.

#joke
Joke | Source: Dos santos online - Not joke related site, but with joke of the day
  • Currently 5.86/10

Rating: 5.9/10 (7)

A guy blows a stop sign in Phi...

A guy blows a stop sign in Philly and gets caught by a policeman.

Cop says, "License and registration please."

Guy says, "What for?"

Cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

Guy says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Cop says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."

Guy says, "What's the difference?"

Cop says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop. License and registration, PLEASE!"

Guy says, "If you can show me the difference between slow down and stop I'll give you my license and registration."

Cop says, "Okay, exit your vehicle sir."

At this point, the cop takes out his Night Stick and starts beating the crap out of the guy and says, "Now sir, do you want me to slow down or stop?"
#joke #policeman
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Used to be Joke rating machine, but this site is dead
  • Currently 6.29/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (7)

Mom, what's sex?

A little boy returning home from his first day at school said to his mother, "Mom, what's sex?"

His mother, who believed in all the most modern educational theories, gave him a detailed explanation, covering all aspects of the tricky subject.

When she had finished, the little lad produced an enrollment form which he had brought home from school and said, "Yes, but how am I going to get all that into this one little square?"

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 6.20/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (5)

Did you hear about the lonely ...

Did you hear about the lonely prisoner?
He was in his sel'

#joke #short
Joke | Source: http://news.scotsman.com/ - Joke of the day
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

The tribal wisdom of the...

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed down from generation to generation, says that when you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.

In the Public Service, however, a whole range of far more advanced strategies is often employed, such as:

1. Change riders.

2. Buy a stronger whip.

3. Do nothing: "This is the way we have always ridden dead horses".

4. Visit other countries to see how they ride dead horses.

5. Perform a productivity study to see if lighter riders improve the dead horse's performance.

6. Hire a contractor to ride the dead horse. (Can be as useful as a saddle when it comes to protecting your ass)

7. Harness several dead horses together in an attempt to increase the speed.

8. Provide additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse's performance.

9. Appoint a committee to study the horse and assess how dead it actually is.

10. Re-classify the dead horse as "living-impaired".

11. Develop a Strategic Plan for the management of dead horses.

12. Rewrite the expected performance requirements for all horses.

13. Modify existing standards to include dead horses.

14. Declare that, as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overheads, and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line than many other horses.

15. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position. (but the competition for positions is fierce).

#joke
Joke | Source: http://www.webwombat.com.au/ - Jokes: Joke of the Day
  • Currently 4.60/10

Rating: 4.6/10 (5)

What's the best way to jog you...

What's the best way to jog your memory? Take your laptop out for a morning run.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Click The City - Philippine's Leading Lifestyle and Entertainment Guide.
  • Currently 3.13/10

Rating: 3.1/10 (8)

New York Crazy Law


  • The penalty for jumping off a building is death.

  • Slippers are not to be worn after 10:00 P.M.


  • A fine of $25 can be levied for flirting. This old law specifically prohibits men from turning around on any city street and looking "at a woman in that way." A second conviction for a crime of this magnitude calls for the violating male to be forced to wear a "pair of horse-blinders" wherever and whenever he goes outside for a stroll.

  • A person may not walk around on Sundays with an ice cream cone in his/her pocket.

  • While riding in an elevator, one must talk to no one, and fold his hands while looking toward the door.

  • A license must be purchased before hanging clothes on a clothesline.

  • It is against the law to throw a ball at someone's head for fun.

    Carmel


  • A man can't go outside while wearing a jacket and pants that do not match.

    Greene


  • During a concert, it is illegal to eat peanuts and walk backwards on the sidewalks.

    New York


  • You may not smoke within 100 feet of the entrance to a public building.

  • Citizens may not greet each other by "putting one's thumb to the nose and wiggling the fingers".

  • Women may go topless in public, providing it is not being used as a business.

  • It is illegal for a woman to be on the street wearing "body hugging clothing."

    Ocean City


  • It is illegal for men to go topless in the center of town.

  • It is illegal to eat in the street in residential neighborhoods, and the only beverage you can drink on the beach is water in a clear plastic bottle.

    Staten Island


  • It is illegal for a father to call his son a "faggot" or "queer" in an effort to curb "girlie behavior."

  • You may only water your lawn if the hose is held in your hand.





    #joke
  • Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
    • Currently 5.56/10

    Rating: 5.6/10 (9)

    Jonny Is Off

    One day little Johnny went to his father, and asked him if he could buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday.

    Johnny's father said, "Johnny, we have a $80,000 mortgage on the house, and you want me to buy you a bicycle? Wait until Christmas."

    Christmas came around, and Johnny asked again.

    The father said, "Well, the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry about that. Ask me again some other time."

    Well, about 2 days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. The father felt sorry for him, and asked him why he was leaving.

    The boy said, "Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I heard you say that you were pulling out, and mommy said that you should wait because she was coming too, and DAMN if I'll get stuck with an $80,000 mortgage!"

    #joke #christmas
    Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
    • Currently 6.33/10

    Rating: 6.3/10 (9)

    Senate Slander

    A member of the United States Senate, known for his hot temper and acid tongue, exploded one day in mid-session and began to shout, "Half of this Senate is made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!"

    All the other Senators demanded that the angry member withdraw his statement, or be removed from the remainder of the session.

    After a long pause, the angry member acquiesced. "OK," he said, "I withdraw what I said. Half of this Senate is NOT made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!"

    #joke
    Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
    • Currently 6.33/10

    Rating: 6.3/10 (9)

    Two Aliens land in Detroit, ne...

    Two Aliens land in Detroit, next to a Gas station. The Aliens waddle out of their ship and look around. The first thing they see that resembles a being is the Gas pump. The two Aliens approach.
    The first one says, "Earthling take me to your leader!" He gets no response.
    The first Alien looks at his buddy then addresses the pump again, "Earthling, I said Take me to your leader!" Still no response.
    The first Alien then turns to the second and says, "If this Earthling doesn't show me some respect I'm going to blast him!"
    The second Alien replies, "O.K. but, I'm just going to stand down on the next block."
    The first Alien looks a little puzzled, but waits for the other to waddle to the next block. He then addresses pump a third time,"Earthling take me to your leader!" No response.
    The Alien then pulls out his ray-gun and shoots the pump...
    After the explosion the Alien gets up, dusts himself off then goes down the block to his buddy.He then says to the second Alien, "If you knew that was going to happen why didn't you warn me?"
    The second replies, "I didn't know what was going to happen, but I'm not going to mess with anyone who can hang his penis to the ground, wrap it around his body twice, and can still stick it in his ear!"
    #joke
    Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
    • Currently 6.71/10

    Rating: 6.7/10 (7)

    Winning toast

    Patrick  hoisted his beer and said: "Here's to spending the rest of my life between the legs of me wife!"

    And with that he took home the top prize for the best toast of the night.

    In bed later that night, he told his wife: "Mary, I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

    She said: "Aye, Paddy, what was your toast?"

    So he told her: "Here's to spending the rest of my life sitting in church beside me wife."

    "Oh," she said, "that is very nice, dear."

    The next day, Mary ran into one of Paddy's drinking partners in the street.

    Mischievously, the man said: "Did you hear about your husband winning a prize in the pub the other night for a toast about you, Mary?"

    She replied: "Aye, and I was a bit surprised. Till now, he's only been down there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

    #joke #beer
    Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Originally taken from site that work no more - Get Frank - NZ's Online Men's Lifestyle Magazine for Fashion, Health, Lifestyle, Recreation Articles & Reviews, Funny jokes and photos updated daily
    • Currently 8.38/10

    Rating: 8.4/10 (53)

    Bubba and Bobby Joe

    Bubba and Bobby Joe rented a boat and fished in a lake every day. One day they caught 30 fish. Bubba said to Bobby Joe,

    “Mark this here spot so that we can come back right here again tomorrow.”

    The next day, when they were driving to rent the boat, the Bubba asked Bobby Joe, “Bobby Joe, did you mark that there spot like ah tole ya?”

    His friend replied, “Shore nuff, I put a big ole ‘X' on the bottom of the boat.”

    “You stupid fool! Now, what we gonna do if we don't get that same boat today?!”

    #joke
    Joke | Source: Joke Diary - Really Funny Jokes Daily
    • Currently 5.14/10

    Rating: 5.1/10 (7)

    A man went to his lawyer and t...

    A man went to his lawyer and told him, "My neighbor owes me $500 and he doesn't want to pay up. What should I do?"
    "Do you have any proof?" asked the lawyer.
    "Nope," replied the man.
    "Okay, then write him a letter asking him for the $1000 he owed you," said the lawyer.
    "But it's only $500," replied the man.
    "Precisely. That's what he will reply and we will have the proof we need to nail him."
    #joke #lawyer
    Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
    • Currently 8.59/10

    Rating: 8.6/10 (61)

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