Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 13 August 2008

The Hid...

The Hidden Meaning of Recruitment Ads:

"Competitive salary rate" - We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

"Duties will vary" - Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"Join our dynamic company" - We have no time to train you.

"Casual working environment" - We don't pay enough to expect that you will dress up.

"Must be deadline oriented" - You will be 6 months behind on your first day.

"Some overtime required" - Some time each night, some time each weekend.

"Must have an eye for detail" - We have no quality control.

"Seeking wide experience" - You will need to replace three people who just left.

"Good communication skills" - Management communicates poorly, so you have to figure out what they want and do it.

"Problem solving skills needed" - You are walking into a company in continual chaos.

"Requires team leadership skills" - You will have the responsibilities of a manager without the pay or respect.

Hats Off!

A Rabbi was walking, slowly, out of a shul in New York, when a gust of wind blew his hat off and down the street. He was an old man, who walked with the aid of a cane, and he couldn't run after the hat. Across the street, a young gentile man saw what was happening, rushed over and grabbed the hat. He then returned it to the Rabbi.

"I don't think I could have retrieved my hat by myself," said the Rabbi. "Thank you very much!" He then placed his hand on the man's shoulder and said, "May God bless you."

The young man thought to himself, "I've been blessed by the Rabbi, this must be my lucky day!" He decided then and there to go to the racetrack. In the first race he noticed a horse named 'Stetson' at 20 to 1. He bet $50 and, sure enough, the horse came in first. In the second race, a horse named 'Fedora' was at 30 to 1, so he bet all his money on that horse. Fedora came in first, as well.

At the end of the day the man returned home to his wife. She asked him where he'd been. He explained about catching the Rabbi's hat, and being blessed by him, and how he then went to the track and did so well betting on horses named after hats.

"So where's the money?" she said.

"I lost it all in the ninth race. I bet on a horse named 'Chateau' and it lost."

"You fool," exclaimed his wife, 'Chateau' is a house, 'chapeau' is a hat!"

"It doesn't matter," he said, "the winner was some Japanese horse named 'Yarmulka'."

>Dear Abby:

I am forty...

>Dear Abby:

I am forty-four years old and I would like to meet a man my age with no bad habits.

>Rose

---

>Dear Rose:

So would I.

Abby

An elderly woman walked into t...

An elderly woman walked into the main branch of Chase Manhattan Bank building holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told the young man at the window that she wished to take the 3 million dollars she had in the bag and open an account with the bank. She said that first, though, she wished to meet the President of Chase Manhattan Bank due to the large amount of money involved.

The teller seemed to think that was a reasonable request and, after opening the bag and seeing the bundles of $1,000 bills which amounted to $3 million, he phoned the President to make the appointment for the woman.

The woman was escorted upstairs to the President's office. Introductions were made and she said that she liked to get to know the people she did business with on a more personal level. The bank President then asked how did she come into such a large sum of money.

"Was it an inheritance?" he asked.

"No" she answered

"Was it from playing the Stock Market?" he inquired.

"No", She replied

He was quiet for a moment, trying to figure out how the elderly lady came into such a large sum of money.

"I won it by betting" she stated.

"As in horses?"

"No", she replied, "I bet on people."

Seeing his confusion, she explained that she would bet on different things with people. All of a sudden she said, "I'll bet you $25,000 that by 10 o'clock tomorrow morning your balls will be square."

The bank President figured that she must be off her rocker and decided to taker her up on the bet. He didn't see how he could lose. For the rest of the day, he was very careful. He decided to stay home that evening and take no chances, since there was $25,000 at stake.

When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to make sure everything was okay. There was no difference in his scrotal appearance. He looked the same as he always had. He went to work and waited for the woman to come in at 10 o'clock, humming as he went. He knew, this would be a lucky day-how often did he get handed $25,000 for doing nothing?

At 10 o'clock sharp the woman was shown into his office. With her was a man. Then the bank President asked what the other man was doing in the office with her, and she explained to the President that he was her Lawyer and she always took him along on bets when large sums of money was at stake.

"Well", she asked, "What about our bet?"

"I don't know how to tell you this", he answered with a smile, "But I'm the same as I've always have been, only $25,000 richer."

The lady seemed to accept this, but requested that she be able to see for herself. The bank President thought that this was a reasonable request and dropped his trousers. She instructed him to bend over, and she grabbed a hold of him. Sure enough, everything was fine. His balls were not square.

The bank President then looked up and saw the Lawyer standing across the room banging his head against the wall.

"What's wrong with him?", he asked.

"Oh, him", She answered, "I bet him $100,000 that by 10:30 this morning I'd have the President of the Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls."

Passport...

An old lady had always wanted to travel abroad. Now that she was getting on in years, she thought she would really like to do so before she died.

Until now, she'd never even been out of the country. So she began by going in person to the Passport Office and asking how long it would take to have one issued.

"You must take the loyalty oath first," responded the passport clerk. "Raise your right hand, please. "The old gal raised her right hand.

"Do you swear to defend the Constitution of the United States against all its enemies, domestic or foreign?" was the first question.

The little old lady's face paled and her voice trembled as she asked in a small voice, "Uhhh . . . all by myself?"

How do you make a hot dog stan...

How do you make a hot dog stand?

A police officer pulls o...

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 120 kilometres per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 100 kilometres, perhaps your radar needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says sweetly from the passenger seat, "Now don't be silly, dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you keep your mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, " You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket"

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU SHUT UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?" "Oh, heavens no, officer! Only when he's been drinking."

Two cannibals caught a clown a...

Two cannibals caught a clown and decided to have him for dinner. After taking a bite, one cannibal turned to the other and said, "Does this taste funny to you?"

Knock Knock Collection 169

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Statue!

Statue who?

Statue?

This is me!


Knock Knock

Who's there?

Stefan!

Stefan who?

Stefan it quick before it bites me!


Knock Knock

Who's there?

Stella!

Stella who?

Stella want to go home!


Knock Knock

Who's there?

Stepfather!

Step father who?

One stepfather and I'll let you have it!


Knock Knock

Who's there?

Stevie!

Stevie who?

Stevie on?

Redneck been here?

Ways to tell if a redneck has been working on a computer

10. The monitor is up on blocks.

9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.

8. The six front keys have rotted out.

7. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts installed in them.

6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.

5. The password is "Bubba".

4. The CPU has a gun rack mount.

3. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.

2. The keyboard is camouflaged.

And, The Number One Way To Tell If A Redneck Has Been Working On A Computer...

The mouse is referred to as a "critter".

i work in a busy office ...

i work in a busy office where a computer going down causes quite an inconvenience. Recently one of our computers not only crashed, it made a noise that sounded like a heart monitor. "This computer has flat-lined," a co-worker called out with mock horror.

"Does anyone here know how to do mouse-to-mouse?"

Sensitive Men

Why is it so difficult to find men who are caring, sensitive, and good-looking?

They already have boyfriends.

6 Funny Christmas Jokes

"What do you call Santa’s most impolite reindeer?"
"Rude-olph."

"What street in France do reindeer live on?"
"Rue Dolph."

"How much does it cost Santa to park his sleigh and reindeer?"
"Nothing, it’s on the house!"

"What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa when she looked up in the sky?"
"Looks like rein, deer!"

"Why doesn’t Santa use reindeer milk in his coffee?"
"He’s on a non-deery diet."

"What kind of money do reindeer use?"
"Bucks!"

A man can sleep around

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

Joan Rivers (1933-2014)

Picture: REX FEATURES

An older man walks into a bar...

An older man walks into a bar wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard. He sits down at a bar and orders a drink. As the bartender sets it down, he asks, "Going to a party?"
"Yeah, a costume party," the man answers, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."
"But you look like Abe Lincoln," protests the bartender.
"That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."