Jokes of the day for Saturday, 16 August 2008

A man i...

A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 10 metres above the ground. You're between 52.3 and 52.4 degrees north latitude and between 1.8 and 1.9 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no
idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

"The woman below responded, "You must be in Senior Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

A Recently Spotted Bumper Sticker:

"My other car was a bicycle last time."

A man is struck by a bus on a ...

A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around.

A priest. Somebody get me a priest! the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd----no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind.

A PRIEST, PLEASE! the dying man says again. Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of age.

Mr. Policeman, says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now I'm living behind St. Elizabeth's Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I'm listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man."

The policeman agreed and brought the octogenarian over to where the dying man lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured and says in a solemn voice:

Under the B, 4. Under the I, 19. Under the N, 38. Under the G, 54. Under the O, 72. . .

Sidney was not having a good d...

Sidney was not having a good day on the golf course.

After he missed a 12-inch putt, his partner asked him what the problem was.

"It's the wife," said Sid. "As you know, she's taken up golf, and since she's been playing, she's cut my sex down to once a week."

"Well you should think yourself lucky," said his partner. "She's cut some of us out altogether!"

Funny bumper stickers....

'Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.'

'Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death'

'Cover me. I'm changing lanes.'

'As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools'

'The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.'

'Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.'

'Conserve toilet paper, use both sides.'

'REHAB is for quitters'

'I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!'

'Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep'

'I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather....Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car....'

'Montana --- At least our cows are sane!'

'I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.'

'I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!'

'According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist.'

'Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.'

'A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.'

'How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?'

'I'm not as think as you drunk I am'

'Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal !'

'He who laughs last thinks slowest'

'Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.'

'Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.'

'Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.'

'Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone,somewhere may be happy.'

'Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.'

'i souport publik edekasion'

'We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimulated.'

'Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.'

'Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...'

'3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.'

'Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?'

'Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?'

'2 + 2 =5 for extremely large values of 2.'

Auntie Em: Hate you, Hate Kansas, Taking the dog. -Dorothy.'

Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.

A big bronzed Aussie sto...

A big bronzed Aussie stopped stopped at a local restaurant following a day of drinking and roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table.

Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?" The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bullfight this morning. A delicacy!" The cowboy, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck, I'm on vacation down here! Bring me an order!" The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bullfight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy"!

The next morning, the tourist returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.

After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."

Doctor: The operation was toug...

Doctor: The operation was tough but we managed to save one of your eyes. Patient: That's great, doc! Doctor: Yes, we'll give it to you on your way out.

Scary Collection 21

A ghost joke

What do ghosts have in the seats of their cars?

Sheet belts!


A ghost joke

What kind of girl does a mummy take on a date?

Any old girl he can dig up!


A cannibal joke

Why did the Scottish cannibal live on a sugar plantation?

He said ''So that I can feed my lads with m'lasses!


A cannibal joke

Why would the cannibal only eat babies?

He was on a diet!


A ghost joke

Where do ghosts go on holiday?

The Ghosta Brava!


A vampire joke

Why wouldn't the vampire eat his soup?

It clotted!


A skeleton joke

Why did the skeleton run up a tree?

Because a dog was after his bones!

Discharge

A young lady walks into a doctors office. "Doctor I'm suffering from a terrible discharge."

The doctor lays her down, lifts up her dress and has a good probe around and asks her, "How does that feel?"

The young lady replies, "Oooh doctor, that feels lovely... but the discharge is from my ear!"

A boy was having a lot of diff...

A boy was having a lot of difficulty in French class. To encourage him, his teacher said, "You'll know you're really beginning to get it when you start dreaming in French."
The boy ran into class all excited one day, saying, "Teacher, teacher! I had a dream last night and everyone was talking in French!" "Great!" said the teacher; "what were they saying?" "I don't know," the boy replied; "I couldn't understand them."

Why was Blackbeard upset?

Why was Blackbeard upset when he misplaced his jars of urine?
Because a pirate without p is irate.

I Want to Be a Pastor When I Grow Up

After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, “Mom, I’ve decided to become a priest when I grow up.”“That’s OK with us,” she said, “but what made you decide that?”“Well,” said the little boy, “I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than to sit down and listen.”

Look at the bright side at least mondays...

Look at the bright side at least mondays only happen once a week!

Parking Spot

A guy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking spot.

Looking up to heaven, he said: "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me whiskey!"

Miraculously, a parking spot suddenly appeared.

The guy looked up again and said: "Never mind, I found one."

The Smartest Dog Ever

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: “10 lamb chops, please.”

Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog’s mouth, and quickly closes the shop.

He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck.

As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery.

After a while he stands on his back paws to push the “stop” button, then the butcher follows him off.

The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the stoop. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap! – Against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and pummeling the dog.

The butcher runs up screams at the guy: “What the hell are you doing? This dog’s a genius!”

The owner responds, “Genius, no way! It’s the second time this week he’s forgotten his key!”