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Jokes of the day for Monday, 22 September 2008

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 22 September 2008

The Maine Man


Some friends were on vacation in Maine, and while watching fireworks heard their small son say, "Oh, God!" The father quickly cautioned his son, "Please don't speak the Lord's name in vain." The boy nodded but obviously mis-heard, because he asked quietly, "Is it OK if I speak his name back in Minnesota?"
#joke
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (2)

Man's wife asks him to go to t...

Man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home.

His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed. "Where the hell have you been?!?!"

"Well, honey, its like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with he

"Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!"

She sees his hands are covered with powder and... "You God damn liar!!! You went bowling again!!!"

#joke #beer
Joke | Source: Dos santos online - Not joke related site, but with joke of the day
  • Currently 5.67/10

Rating: 5.7/10 (3)

A father charges into the bath...

A father charges into the bathroom and starts yelling at his son "Son! How many times have I told you not to do that? Stop it! If you keep doing that, you'll go blind!"

The son replies: "I'm over here, Dad."
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Used to be Joke rating machine, but this site is dead
  • Currently 4.83/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (6)

Mystery...???

A man takes his place in the theater, but his seat is too farfrom the stage. He whispers to the usher, "This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a handsome tip."

The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter. Yep. 25 cents.

The usher looks at the quarter in his hand, leans over and whispers, "The wife did it."

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 5.67/10

Rating: 5.7/10 (3)

Why was the computer so tired ...

Why was the computer so tired when it got home?
Because it had a hard drive!

#joke #short
Joke | Source: http://news.scotsman.com/ - Joke of the day
  • Currently 3.50/10

Rating: 3.5/10 (2)

Best to get the facts......

Best to get the facts...

A small tourist hotel was all a buzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.

But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.

She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel.

The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, madam? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!"

The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, "Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years ... I thought he meant his money!!"

#joke
Joke | Source: http://www.webwombat.com.au/ - Jokes: Joke of the Day
  • Currently 5.57/10

Rating: 5.6/10 (7)

Did you hear about the dumb at...

Did you hear about the dumb athlete who won the gold medal at the Olympics? He had it bronzed.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Click The City - Philippine's Leading Lifestyle and Entertainment Guide.
  • Currently 6.14/10

Rating: 6.1/10 (14)

A Walking Economy


This guy is walking with his friend, who happens to be a psychologist. He says to this friend, "I'm a walking economy."

The friend asks, "How so?"

"My hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and both of these together are putting me into a deep depression!"





#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (6)

Bowlegged

Why are cowgirls always bowlegged?

Cowboys like to eat with their hats on.

Submitted by Calamjo

Edited by Curtis

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 4.77/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (48)

true Story,

Jacques LeFevr...

true Story,

Jacques LeFevrier left nothing to chance when he decided to commit suicide. He stood at the top of a tall cliff and tied a noose around his neck. He tied the other end of the rope to a large rock. He drank some poison and set fire to his clothes. He even tried to shoot himself at the last moment.

He jumped and fired the pistol. The bullet missed him and cut through the rope above him. Free of the threat of hanging, he plunged into the sea. The sudden dunking extinguished the flames and made him vomit the poison. He was dragged out of the water by a kind fisherman and was taken to hospital, where he DID die . . . of exposure.

#joke
Joke | Source: Ray Owens' Joke A Day - Making Fun Of Morons Since 1863
  • Currently 4.00/10

Rating: 4.0/10 (6)

Talking Italian

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
''Emma come first. I come. Dennis come and Dennis come again. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more.''
''You foul-mouthed swine,'' retorted the lady indignantly. ''In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public.''
''Hey, coola down lady,'' said the man. ''Imma just tella my friend howa to spella Mississippi.''
#joke
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 6.83/10

Rating: 6.8/10 (6)

Signs Of Christmas

Toy ...

Signs Of Christmas

Toy Store: “Ho, ho, ho spoken here.”

Bridal boutique: “Marry Christmas.”

Outside a church: “The Original Christmas Club.”

At a department store: “Big pre-Christmas sale.
Come in and mangle with the crowd.”

A Texas jewelry store: “Diamond tiaras — $70,000.
Three for $200,000.

A reducing salon: “24 Shaping Days until Christmas.”

In a stationery store: “For the man who has everything…
a calendar to remind him when payments are due.”

#joke #christmas
Joke | Source: Joke of the day - Jokes of the day on Wordpress
  • Currently 4.43/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (37)

All Categories

Q: How many Manchester City fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None - they're quite happy living in the shadows.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 26 June 2008
  • Currently 5.13/10

Rating: 5.1/10 (53)

5 short jokes to prepare for Friday

My wife just completed a 40 week body building program this morning
It's a girl and weighs 8lbs 4oz

Exactly four weeks ago, I entered into an intensive program to cut down my excessive body fat.
Remarkably, I've now reached my goal of losing 50% of my weight,
and they're transferring me to a new facility!
It's a half weigh house.

How do you milk sheep?
With iPhone accessories.

Bros don't let other bros walk around with an open fly.
It's called the zip code.

If you drive a Subaru in reverse, what are you?
U r a bus

Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 5.40/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (5)

A schoolgirl approaches her mo...

A schoolgirl approaches her mother and announces, "Mommy, I know where babies come from!"
"And where is that?" her mother asks.
"Well, Mommy and Daddy take their clothes off and Daddy's thingy sort of sticks out and Mommy puts it in her mouth and that's how you get babies," she explains.
"Oh darling, that's so sweet, but that's not how we get babies," her mother replies, "That's how we get flowers, jewelry, clothes and shoes!"
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 7.54/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (13)

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