Jokes of the day for Sunday, 02 November 2008
|Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Sunday, 02 November 2008
Revesing the car...Revesing the car:
"Ahh, this takes me back."
Johnny Depp jokes
June the 9th is Johnny Depp’s Birthday!
Wish him happy birthday with these jokes.
Did Johnny Depp just win the defamation case
or was it…
Amber Heard's net worth is $2.5 million and she now has to pay Johnny Depp $15 million...
Yeah, she's forever going to be in Depp.
What did Johnny Depp's bed say when Amber Heard walked in?
You've got to be shitting me.
Why don't you ever see a group of Johnny Depp fans?
They don't like Heards.
Johnny Depp's the one guy ...
that could have used an Amber alert.
Why did Johnny Depp skip getting a booster shot?
Because he now has "Heard immunity".
What is Johnny Depp’s go-to workout video?
Pilates of the Caribbean
A guy goes to the psychiatrist...A guy goes to the psychiatrist.
"Doctor," says the guy, "I feel as if I'm two different people! Two totally different personalities!"
"Do you think I need help?"
"Can you help me?"
"Am I doing the right thing seeing a psychiatrist?"
"Whoah! Whoah! Whoah!" says the doc. "Please, one at a time."
A guy had just returned from t...A guy had just returned from two weeks of vacation. He asked his boss for two more weeks off to get married.
"What?" shouted the boss, "I can't give you more time now. Why didn't you get married while you were off?"
"Are you nuts?" he replied. "That would have ruined my whole vacation."
Competition Of A NationThe Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world.
One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They'd have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms. The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. The used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.
"When the day came for the fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog.
"When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out and wrapped itself around the outside of the ring. It had the Russian dog almost completely surrounded. When the Russian dog leaned over to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund leaned up and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.
The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. `We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves."
"That's nothing", an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years trying to make an alligator look like a Dachshund.'"
Joe is at the Pearly Gates waiting to be admitted while St. Peter is leafing through his files to see if Joe is worthy of entry.
"Joe," says St. Pete, "I can't see that you've done anything really bad in your life but I can't see that you've done anything really good that would qualify you for Heaven. Can you tell me ANY good deed you've ever done?"
Joe thinks for a moment and says "Sure. I was driving through a bad part of town when I saw about 50 biker guys assaulting this poor girl. I slammed on my brakes, grabbed a tire iron, and walked up to this big guy who seemed to be the leader. All these guys let the girl run away and they formed a circle around me to see what I was gonna do. I laid that tire iron right across his head and he dropped like a stone. Then I turned and yelled to the rest of them "If I ever see you guys around this town again, I'll give you a real lesson in pain."
"Wow" says St. Peter, "I guess you really do qualify for Heaven. Tell me, when did this happen?"
"Oh", says Joe, "about two minutes ago."
Dyslexic clairvoyant nurseHear about the dyslexic clairvoyant nurse who didn't bother to charge for her services, because she could fee into the suture?
A man is out shopping and disc...A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.
"Olympic condoms?" she blurts. "What makes them so special?"
"There are three colors", he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."
"What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asks cheekily.
"Gold of course," says the man proudly.
The wife responds, "Really? Why don't you wear Silver? It would be nice if you came second for a change."
Ballpen in space
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity.
To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C.
The Russians used a pencil.
Sherry lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't gotten out of her mourning stage. Her daughter constantly urges her to get back into the dating world. Finally, Sherry says she'll go out, but doesn't know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replies, "Mama! I have someone for you to meet."
Well, it's an immediate hit. They really like one another and after dating for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend in the mountains.
Their first night there, she undresses as he does. There she stands nude except for a pair of black lacy panties, he in his birthday suit.
Looking at her he asks, "Why the black panties?"
She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."
Obviously, he knows he's not getting lucky that night.
The following night the same scenario. She's standing there with the black panties on, and he is in his birthday suit...except... that he has a black prophylactic over his manhood.
She looks at him and asks, "What's with the...uh...black prophylactic?"
He replies, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."
Sam has been in business for 2...Sam has been in business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there's a big, bearded man standing there.
"Name's Lars ...Your neighbor from forty miles away....Having a birthday party Friday ... Thought you might like to come. About 5...
"Great," says Sam, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you...There's gonna be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem... after 25 years in business, I can drink with the best of em."
Again, as he starts to leave, Lars stops. "More'n'likely gonna be some fightin' too."
Sam says, "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."
Once again Lars turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."
"Now that's really not a problem," says Sam. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I bring?"
Lars stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us".