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Jokes of the day for Friday, 28 November 2008

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 28 November 2008

Taking a break from the Oval o...

Taking a break from the Oval office, the President was playing some golf with some friends. The President's caddy noticed that the President had a pair of ladies panties stuck to his left shoulder.

Being a curious lad, the caddy asked the President about the panties. The President told Him, "It's a patch. I'm trying to quit."
#joke
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (2)

Nun on the scale...

A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down, waiting for her flight. She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune. So, she thought to herself, "I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me."

She went over to the machine and put her nickel in and out came a card that said, "You're a nun. You weigh 128 lbs., and you are going to Chicago, Illinois."

She sat back down and thought about it. She told herself it probably tells everyone the same thing, but decided to try it again. She put her nickel in, and out came a card that read, "You're a nun. You weigh 128 lbs. You're going to Chicago, Illinois, and you are going to play a fiddle."

The nun said to herself, "I know that's wrong. I have never played a musical instrument a day in my life." She sat back down. From out of nowhere, a cowboy came over and set his fiddle case down next to her. The nun picked up the fiddle and started playing beautiful music.

Startled, she look back at the machine and said, "This is incredible! I've got to try it again!

Back to the machine she went, put her nickel in, and another card came out. It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 lbs., you're going to Chicago, Illinois, and you're going to break wind."

Now, the nun knew the machine was wrong. "I've never broken wind in public in my whole life!" Just then, she tripped, fell off the scales and broke wind.

Stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself, "This is truly unbelievable! I've got to try it one more time."

She went back to the machine, put her nickel in and collected the card. It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 lbs., you have fiddled and farted around and missed your flight to Chicago!!!"

#joke
  • Currently 7.50/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (2)

SLIDESHOW #7 - Funny Photo Slideshow

Two hydrogen atoms in a bar. O...

Two hydrogen atoms in a bar. One says to the other "I've lost my electron". "That's terrible," says the other. "Are you sure?" "Yes, I'm positive!"
#joke #short
Joke | Source: http://news.scotsman.com/ - Joke of the day
  • Currently 4.50/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (2)

Wash Dishes

A ma...

Wash Dishes

A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded rural area of the state he lived in. After spending the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon. He noticed a filmlike substance on his plate and he questioned his grandfather:

"Are these plates clean?" His grandfather replied, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal."

That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate, and a substance that looked like dried egg yolks. So he asked again, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"

Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather says, "I told you before; those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't ask me about it anymore!"

Later that afternoon, he was on his way out to get dinner in a nearby town. As he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl and wouldn't let him pass so he said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me out."

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV his grandfather shouted: "Coldwater! Go lay down!"

#joke
Joke | Source: http://www.webwombat.com.au/ - Jokes: Joke of the Day
  • Currently 7.50/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (2)

How To Be A Sculptor: Get a fr...

How To Be A Sculptor: Get a friend to pose for you. Get a huge block of marble. Chip away everything that doesn't look like your friend.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Click The City - Philippine's Leading Lifestyle and Entertainment Guide.
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

Mad Remark

A married couple was driving down a country road arguing. They were silent till they approached a field full of cattle. The husband asked his wife "Relatives of yours?" she replied "Yep, In-laws."
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 6.67/10

Rating: 6.7/10 (3)

3beautiful daughters

There was once an old farmer whose only virtue was 3 beautiful daughters. One night, they were all going out on dates with their respective beaus. There came a knock at the door, and he answered.

"Hi!" said the young man standing there. "My name's Joe. I'm here to pick up Flo. we're going to the show. Is she ready to go?" "Yes, I'll go and get her" said the farmer.

About 10 minutes later there's another knock. "Hi, my name's Eddy. I'm here to pick up Betty. We're going to eat spaghetti. Is she ready?" So the farmer goes and fetches her.

Another 10 minutes go by, and there's a 3rd knock. "Hi, my name's Tucker..." And before he can say another word, the farmer grabs him by the neck, drags him out the back, and shoots him.

#joke
  • Currently 6.00/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (5)

Chair Man of the Board

Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office.

When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.

Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."

#joke
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 6.25/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (4)

GRATEFUL MARRIAGE

An elderly couple, Minnie and Max, sit down to their Thanksgiving dinner. Before eating, his wife speaks up. “Can I ask you a question, Max?”

“Sure Minnie,” Max says, waiting to dig into his meal.

“Has our 50 years of marriage made you grateful?”

“Yes, indeed!” Max replied. “For the twenty years I was a bachelor!”

#joke #thanksgiving
Joke | Source: Joke of the day - Jokes of the day on Wordpress
  • Currently 5.38/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (8)

...

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 18 August 2008
  • Currently 4.43/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (7)

A man is struck by a bus on a ...

A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around.

A priest. Somebody get me a priest! the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd----no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind.

A PRIEST, PLEASE! the dying man says again. Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of age.

Mr. Policeman, says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now I'm living behind St. Elizabeth's Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I'm listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man."

The policeman agreed and brought the octogenarian over to where the dying man lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured and says in a solemn voice:

Under the B, 4. Under the I, 19. Under the N, 38. Under the G, 54. Under the O, 72. . .

#joke #policeman
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 16 August 2008
  • Currently 5.86/10

Rating: 5.9/10 (7)

Advice from children...

1. Never trust a dog to watch your food. - Patrick, age 10

2. When your dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?' don't answer him. - Michael, 14

3. Never tell your mom her diet's not working. - Michael, 14

4. Stay away from prunes. - Randy, 9

5. Never pee on an electric fence. - Robert, 13

6. Don't squat with your spurs on. - Noronha, 13

7. Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to. - Emily, 10

8. When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair. - Taylia, 11

9. Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment. - Traci, 14

10. Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time. - Kyoyo, 9

11. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. - Armir, 9

12. Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick. - Lauren, 9

13. Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat. - Joel, 10

14. When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone. - Alyesha, 13

15. Never try to baptize a cat. - Eileen, 8

#joke
  • Currently 7.84/10

Rating: 7.8/10 (19)

There is a knock on the pearly...

There is a knock on the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks out, and a man is standing there. Saint Peter is about to begin his interview when the man disappears. A moment later there’s another knock. Saint Peter gets the door, sees the man, opens his mouth to speak, but the man disappears once again. “Hey, are you playing games with me?” Saint Peter calls after him, rather annoyed.
“No” the man’s distant voice replies anxiously.
“They are trying to resuscitate me.”
#joke
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 7.44/10

Rating: 7.4/10 (9)

Two lawyers, Jon and Amanpreet...

Two lawyers, Jon and Amanpreet, head out for their usual 9 holes of golf. Jon offers Amanpreet a $50 bet. Amanpreet agrees and they're off. They shoot a great game. After the 8th hole, Amanpreet is ahead by one stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th.
"Help me find my ball. Look over there," he says to Jon.
After a few minutes, neither has any luck. Since a lost ball carries a four point penalty, Amanpreet secretly pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. "I've found my ball!" he announces.
"After all of the years we've been partners and playing together," Jon says, "you'd cheat me out of a lousy 50 bucks?"
"What do you mean, cheat? I found my ball sitting right there!"
"And you're a liar, too!" Jon says. "I'll have you know I've been STANDING on your ball for the last five minutes!"
#joke #lawyer
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 6.17/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (6)

>Bob Geldof is expert on famine

Bob Geldof ... no wonder he's such an expert on famine, he has been dining out on I Don't Like Mondays for thirty years.

Russell Brand (June 4 1975-)

Picture: Getty

#joke #short #monday
  • Currently 6.50/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (4)

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