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Jokes of the day for Saturday, 29 November 2008

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Saturday, 29 November 2008

In a small Texas town there wa...

In a small Texas town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. But one small feature bothered me: the three wise men were wearing fireman's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left.

At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You darn Yankees never read your Bibles!"

I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.

She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and riffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said, "See, it says right here, 'The three wise men came from afar.'"
#joke
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

Daddy's password...

While my brother-in-law was tapping away on his home computer, his ten-year-old daughter sneaked up behind him. Then she turned and ran into the kitchen, squealing to the rest of the family, "I know Daddy's password! I know Daddy's password!"

"What is it? her older sisters asked, eagerly.

Proudly she replied, "Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk!"

#joke
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

SLIDESHOW #27 - Funny Photo Slideshow

A man goes to the doctor feeli...

A man goes to the doctor feeling unwell. The doctor examines him and says: "You're suffering from Alice."
"What's that?" asks the man.

"I don't know," says the doctor, "But Christopher Robin went down with it"
Mrs C Smith, Penicuik

Did you hear about the man who bought a dog with no legs?

He called it cigarette. He used to take it out for a drag.

Neil Sutton, Corstorphine

Once upon a time there were two muffins in the microwave. Suddenly, one of the muffins said: "Man it's hot in here."

The other muffin exclaimed: "Look, a talking muffin!"

Tony White, Loanhead

Why does a room full of married people looks so empty?

There's not a single person in it . . .

Mark Allan, Niddrie

What do you call a boom-a-rang, that doesn't come back?

A Stick.

Eric Stevenson, Leith

If you have a joke you would like to share with us e-mail: letters_en@edinburghnews .com





The full article contains 162 words and appears in Edinburgh Evening News newspaper.
Page 1 of 1

Joke | Source: http://news.scotsman.com/ - Joke of the day
  • Currently 2.80/10

Rating: 2.8/10 (5)

License Renewal

...

License Renewal

A woman named Emily renewing her driver's license at the Transport office was asked by the clerk to state her occupation. She hesitated, uncertain how to classify herself. "What I mean is," explained the clerk, "do you have a job, or are you just a "?". "Of course I have a job," snapped Emily. "I'm a Mum."

"We don't list 'Mum' as an occupation.. 'housewife' covers it," said the clerk emphatically.

I forgot all about her story until one day I found myself in the same situation, this time at our local police station. The Clerk was obviously a career woman, poised, efficient, and possessed of a high sounding title like, "Official Interrogator" or "Town Registrar." "What is your occupation?" she probed.

What made me say it, I do not know... The words simply popped out. "I'm a Research Associate in the field of Child Development and Human Relations." The clerk paused, pen frozen in midair, and looked up as though she had not heard right. I repeated the title slowly, emphasizing the most significant words. Then I stared with wonder as my pronouncement was written in bold, black ink on the official questionnaire!

"Might I ask," said the clerk with new interest, "just what you do in your field?" Coolly, without any trace of fluster in my voice, I heard myself reply, "I have a continuing programme of research, (what mother doesn't), in the laboratory and in the field, (normally I would have said indoors and out).

I'm working for my Masters, (the whole bloody family), and already have four credits, (all daughters). Of course, the job is one of the most demanding in the humanities, (any mother care to disagree?) and I often work 14 hours a day, (24 is more like it). But the job is more challenging than most run-of-the-mill careers and the rewards are more of a satisfaction rather than just money."

There was an increasing note of respect in the girl's voice as she completed the form, stood up, and personally ushered me to the door.

When I got home, buoyed up by my glamorous new career, I was greeted by my lab assistants - ages 10, 7, and 3. Upstairs, I could hear our new experimental model, (a 6 month old baby), in the child-development programme, testing out a new vocal pattern. I felt I had triumphed over bureaucracy! And I had gone on the official records as someone more distinguished and indispensable to mankind than "just another Mum."

Motherhood.....What a glorious career! Especially when there's a title on the door.

Does this make grandmothers "Senior Research Associates in the field of Child Development and Human Relations" and great grandmothers "Executive Senior Research Associates"? I think so! I also think it makes Aunts "Associate Research Assistants".

#joke
Joke | Source: http://www.webwombat.com.au/ - Jokes: Joke of the Day
  • Currently 5.40/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (5)

If ignorance is bliss, why are...

If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Click The City - Philippine's Leading Lifestyle and Entertainment Guide.
  • Currently 7.50/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (2)

Submarine

Did you know that the Pollacks recently built their own submarine?

It's got wire mesh on the windows to keep out the flies.

Submitted by Curtis

Edited by calamjo

#joke #short
  • Currently 4.25/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (4)

Stick of Dynamite

A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress.

After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She begins to drool.

The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder''s pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point.

Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door.

He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?"

She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"

#joke
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 7.50/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (2)

GRATEFUL MARRIAGE

An elderly couple, Minnie and Max, sit down to their Thanksgiving dinner. Before eating, his wife speaks up. “Can I ask you a question, Max?”

“Sure Minnie,” Max says, waiting to dig into his meal.

“Has our 50 years of marriage made you grateful?”

“Yes, indeed!” Max replied. “For the twenty years I was a bachelor!”

#joke #thanksgiving
Joke | Source: Joke of the day - Jokes of the day on Wordpress
  • Currently 5.38/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (8)

New Mexico Crazy Law


  • State officials ordered 400 words of "sexually explicit material" to be cut from Romeo and Juliet.

    Carrizozo


  • It's forbidden for a female to appear unshaven in public.


    Las Cruces


  • You may not carry a lunchbox down Main Street.





    #joke
  • Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 25 August 2008
    • Currently 5.00/10

    Rating: 5.0/10 (8)

    Twenty-one reasons why Engl...

    Twenty-one reasons why English is hard to learn.
    1. The bandage was wound around the wound.
    2. The farm was used to produce produce.
    3. The dump was so full it had to refuse more refuse.
    4. We must polish the Polish furniture.
    5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.
    6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
    7. Since there was no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
    8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
    9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
    10. I did not object to the object.
    11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
    12. There was a row among the oarsmen on how to row.
    13. They were too close to the door to close it.
    14. The buck does funny things when does are present.
    15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
    16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
    17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
    18. After a number of injections my jaw got number.
    19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
    20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
    21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
    #joke
    Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 17 August 2008
    • Currently 5.00/10

    Rating: 5.0/10 (3)

    Rowing Your Boat

    Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.

    The driver blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!"

    To this, the other blonde replies "I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I'd go out there and drown her."

    #joke #blonde
    • Currently 5.94/10

    Rating: 5.9/10 (36)

    20 of the most groan-worthy Dad jokes

    What do you call a bear with no socks on?
    Bare foot.

    What button is impossible to unbutton?
    The belly button.

    What did Michael Jackson call his denim store?
    Billie Jeans.

    What is invisible and smells of worms?
    A bird's fart.

    What do you call a Minecraft celebration?
    A block party.

    Who is the best Kung Fu vegetable?
    Brocco-Lee.

    What do you call a rabbit who is angry over getting burnt?
    A hot cross bunny.

    What did the butt say to the other butt?
    PTTTTT.

    What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
    A carrot.

    Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road?
    He got stuck in a crack.

    What's round and sounds like a trumpet?
    A crumpet.

    What do you call a sleeping dinosaur?
    A dino‐SNORE.

    What do you call a man with a spade on his head?
    Dug.

    What kind of hair do they sell at IHOP?
    Eggstensions.

    What do you call an Asian man who always has correct change?
    Exact Lee.

    What do you call an apple that farts?
    A fruity Tooty.

    What is the best day to cook?
    FRY-DAY.

    What did the horse say when it fell?
    GIDDYUP!

    What do you receive when you ask a lemon to help?
    Lemon aid

    Why can’t you give Elsa a balloon?
    Because she will let it go.

    #joke
    Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
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    Rating: 2.0/10 (4)

    News Bulletin – London – July 4, 2017

    QUEEN OFFERS TO RESTORE BRITISH RULE OVER UNITED STATES

    In an unexpected televised address on Saturday, Queen Elizabeth II offered to restore British rule over the United States of America. Addressing the American people from her office in Buckingham Palace, the Queen said that she was making the offer “in recognition of the desperate situation you now find yourselves in.”

    “This two-hundred-and-forty-year experiment in self-rule began with the best of intentions, but I think we can all agree that it didn’t end well,” she said. The Queen urged Americans to write in her name on Election Day, after which the transition to British rule could begin “with a minimum of bother.”

    Elizabeth acknowledged that, in the wake of Brexit, Americans might justifiably be alarmed about being governed by the British parliamentary system, but she reassured them, “Parliament would play no role in this deal. This would be an old-school monarchy. Just me, and then, assuming you’d rather not have Charles, we could go straight to William and those children of his who have mesmerized you so.”

    Using the closing moments of her speech to tout her credentials, the Queen made it clear that she has never used e-mail and has only had sex with one person “very occasionally.”

    Just in - The Above is Fake News - Following is the actual full text
    In the light of your failure to govern yourselves with dignity, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Theresa May, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) has appointed former PM Tony Blair as minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

    1. You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up 'aluminium'. Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix 'ize' will be replaced by the suffix 'ise'. You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up 'vocabulary'. Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up 'interspersed'. There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

    2. There is no such thing as 'US English'. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of '-ize'.

    3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as 'Taggart' will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is 'Devon'. If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become 'shires' e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

    4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as 'Men Behaving Badly' or 'Red Dwarf' will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

    5. You should relearn your original national anthem, 'God Save The Queen', but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

    6. You should stop playing American 'football'. There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American 'football' is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays 'American' football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American 'football', but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2018. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called 'rounders' which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

    7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. 'Merde' is French for 'Shit'. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

    8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called 'Indecisive Day'.

    9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

    10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called 'crisps'. Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

    11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

    12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as 'beer', and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as 'Lager'. The substances formerly known as 'American Beer' will henceforth be referred to as 'Near-Frozen Knat's Urine', with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as 'Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine'. This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

    13. From November 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or 'Gasoline' as you will be permitted to keep calling it until July 10 2017) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (- get used to it).

    14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun.

    15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

    Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

    Thank you for your cooperation.

     

    #joke #lawyer #beer
    Joke | Source: Friars Club - For over 25 years the Sunshine Committee has been providing entertainment, companionship and love to children's and senior citizens centers in the NY area.
    • Currently 6.71/10

    Rating: 6.7/10 (7)

    Why Karaoke is better than sex...

    - With Karaoke, you're always sure you can find someone worse than you are.

    - You don't feel obligated to buy someone dinner for singing Karaoke with you.

    - When you sing Karaoke, it's OK to have multiple partners.

    - It's OK to sing Karaoke with your sister.

    - With Karaoke, you never have to be sorry about forgetting your lines.

    - It's OK to drink too much and sing Karaoke.

    - With Karaoke, no one will complain about the size of your microphone.

    - It's OK to sing Karaoke in front of your neighbors.

    - You'll never feel uncomfortable knowing your parents still sing Karaoke.

    - No one complains about a 3-minute Karaoke performance.

    #joke
    • Currently 2.33/10

    Rating: 2.3/10 (3)

    The race

    Two natural gas company service personnel, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of an alley and worked their way to the other end.

    At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter. When they finished, the senior supervisor, proud of his physical condition, challenged his younger co-worker to a foot race back to their truck.

    As they approached the truck, they realized that the woman from the last house they checked was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.

    Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I saw two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run, too!"

    #joke
    • Currently 8.95/10

    Rating: 9.0/10 (22)

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