Jokes of the day for Saturday, 20 December 2008
|Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Saturday, 20 December 2008
A Sunday school class studying...A Sunday school class studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one.
The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was.
Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife."
Pearls of wisdom...Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
I am in shape. Round is a shape.
Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.
Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark, professionals built the Titanic.
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
Stupidity got us into this mess -- why can't it get us out?
Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just stand there.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.
There is always death and taxes; however, death doesn't get worse every year.
People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.
It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.
Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
It hurts to be on the cutting edge.
If it ain't broke, fix it till it is.
I don't get even, I get odder.
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.
I am a nutritional overachiever.
My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
I am having an out of money experience.
I plan on living forever! So far, so good!
Not afraid of heights -- afraid of widths.
Practice safe eating -- always use condiments.
A day without sunshine is like night.
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.
Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually, you find a hair stylist you like.
You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also, to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes, age comes alone.
Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.
You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stopped laughing!!
...Continued from Yester...
...Continued from Yesterday
Zen For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously : Part 2
20. Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
21. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
22. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
23. Ok, so what's the speed of dark?
24. How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
25. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
26. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
27. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
28. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just do not have film.
29. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
30. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
31. Eagles may soar, but weasels do not get sucked into jet engines.
32. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
33. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
34. I couldn't repair your brakes, so i made your horn louder.
35. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
36. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.
37. Just remember - if the world did not suck, we would all fall off.
38. Light travels faster than sound, which is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Fortune cookie saying #8: You ...Fortune cookie saying #8: You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes. You will learn a lot today.
Two Roaches Having A Discussion
Two roaches were munching on garbage in an alley when one engages a discussion about a new restaurant.
"I was in that new restaurant across the street," said one. "It's so clean! The kitchen is spotless, and the floors are gleaming white. There is no dirt anywhere--it's so sanitary that the whole place shines." pr0p3rty0fahaj0kes
"Please," said the other roach frowning. "Not while I'm eating!"
Bad gumsThere was a father and his young son who lived in a secluded village somewhere in central Australia.
The boy's mother had left the father under difficult circumstances, and he had had bad experiences with women ever since.
So he took his boy aside one day and told him, "Listen son, don't go messing around with women, because, you know, down there, they've got teeth down there."
The boy listened intently to his father's advice.
Years passed, the boy has grown up and his father has died, leaving him alone.
So, one day, the boy ventures to the closest large town, where he goes to a club in search of companionship.
He strikes up a conversation with a beautiful young girl.
Things are going well, and they end up back at her place.
They are about to get into bed when the boy remembers his father's advice and shies away.
"What's wrong?" she asks.
"Well, my father told me that women have teeth down there." replied the young man.
"Of course we haven't got teeth down there!! Have a look if you like."
So he takes her up on the offer. He takes off her panties, and he's poking around, examining the lady's most private parts.
"Hmmmm. I don't see any teeth down here, but you should see the state of your gums."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
What did Mrs. Claus say to San...What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa as they were looking out their front window?
"Looks like rein dear"
Tony White, Loanhead
A manager brings a dog ...A manager brings a dog into a nightclub to work.
The dog is a brilliant piano player.Â He plays all the
standards.Â He's sitting there, pounding out the tunes,
when all of a sudden, a big dog comes in and drags him
out.Â The nightclub owner asks, “What happened?”
The manager says,
“That's his mother.Â She wants him to be a doctor.”
Sex is like money...Sex is like money:
When you've got it, you don't think of it;
when you haven't any, you think of nothing else.
EAGER T...EAGER TO IMPRESS THE BOSS
A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the
CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document
here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing
"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted
the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the
machine. "I just need one copy."
You have met your New Year's resolutionNow there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average… which means, you have met your New Year's resolution.
After spending 3-1/2 hours enduring the long lines, surly clerks and insane regulations at the department of motor vehicles, a lady stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift for her son. She brought her selection - a baseball bat to the cash register.
"Cash or charge," the clerk asked.
"Cash," she snapped. Then apologizing for her rudeness, she explained, "I've spent the afternoon at the motor-vehicle bureau. I am not too sane right now!!"
"Shall I gift wrap the bat?" the clerk asked sweetly, "Or or you going back?"
Amateur Autopsy Club
I’m really excited for the amateur autopsy club I just joined...
Wednesday is open Mike night!
There was a joke abo...
“There was a joke about fishing I was going to tell you. Oh no, I forgot the line!”
Password ProblemA guy did system support in a law firm. One day, he had to
log a user off and then back on. He entered her initials and
then she gave me her password.
Her password was "genius".
After three tries and the system telling him "access
denied," he asked her how to spell it.
She said, "G - E - N - I - O - U - S."