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Jokes of the day for Thursday, 01 January 2009

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Thursday, 01 January 2009

Give me two hot dogs.

One wi...

Give me two hot dogs.

One with mustard and one without."

"Which one without?"

Joke | Source: Dos santos online - Not joke related site, but with joke of the day
  • Currently 4.40/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (5)

There's an interesting ne...

There's an interesting new novel about two ex-convicts.

One of them studies to become a lawyer, the other decides to go straight.
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Used to be Joke rating machine, but this site is dead
  • Currently 6.80/10

Rating: 6.8/10 (5)

Paper shredder...

The new employee stood before the paper shredder looking confused.

"Need some help?" a secretary asked.

"Yes," he replied. "How does this thing work?"

"Simple," she said, taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it into the shredder.

"Thanks, but where do the copies come out?"

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 6.30/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (10)

Where should a dressmaker buil...

Where should a dressmaker build her house?
On the outskirts.
The Gremlin, Abbey Terrace
#joke #short
Joke | Source: http://news.scotsman.com/ - Joke of the day
  • Currently 6.30/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (10)

A manager brings a dog ...

A manager brings a dog into a nightclub to work.
The dog is a brilliant piano player.  He plays all the
standards.  He's sitting there, pounding out the tunes,
when all of a sudden, a big dog comes in and drags him
out.  The nightclub owner asks, “What happened?”

The manager says,
“That's his mother.  She wants him to be a doctor.”

Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 01 December 2008
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (43)

Pete Lee: Making Love in a Car Wash

I was reading this article the other day, and it said, The perfect way to spice up your love life is to make love in a car wash. Let me tell you guys from experience -- no, it is not. Its also the perfect way to ruin a church fundraiser.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 5.77/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (44)

An insurance agent's wife was ...

An insurance agent's wife was learning to drive when the brakes failed. "What should I do?" she cried. "Brace yourself, and try to hit something cheap."
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 05 September 2008
  • Currently 7.82/10

Rating: 7.8/10 (39)

After John had purchased movie...

After John had purchased movie tickets for himself and his girlfriend, she went inside to find seats while he got some popcorn. By the time he was served, the previews were being shown and the theater was dark. John stumbled his way through the dark, sat down and gave his girlfriend a kiss.
Then he heard a familiar voice say, "John, I'm back here."
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 3.20/10

Rating: 3.2/10 (10)

Dickens's Martini

Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini.

The bartender asks, "Olive or twist?"

#joke #short #walksintoabar #food #olive
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 7.67/10

Rating: 7.7/10 (6)

The godfather

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of $10 million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer 'Ask him where the $10 million bucks he embezzled from me is'. The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is?

The bookkeeper signs back: 'I don't know what you are talking about'. The attorney tells the Godfather: 'He says he doesn't know what you're talking about'. The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, 'Ask him again'! The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: 'He'll kill you if you don't tell him'! The bookkeeper signs back: 'OK! OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens'!

The Godfather asks the attorney: 'Well, what'd he say'? The attorney replies: 'He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger'.

#joke #lawyer
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Originally taken from site that work no more - Get Frank - NZ's Online Men's Lifestyle Magazine for Fashion, Health, Lifestyle, Recreation Articles & Reviews, Funny jokes and photos updated daily
  • Currently 4.89/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (19)

Who gets the present?

The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.

"Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to Mother? Who does everything she says?"

Five small voices answered in union. "Okay, Dad. You get the toy."

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 8.67/10

Rating: 8.7/10 (24)

Maids are weapons

“Maids are weapons of muss destruction.”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous jokes on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 2.63/10

Rating: 2.6/10 (8)

The blind salesman

A guy goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. He doesn't know which one to get, so he just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a Wal-Mart associate standing there with dark shades on. He says, "Excuse me, Sir...can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Sir, I'm blind, but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes." The guy didn't believe him but dropped it on the counter anyway.

He said, "Thats a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line...It's a good all around rod and reel, and it's $20.00."

The guy says, "It is amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for, so I'll take it."

He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the guy farts. At first he is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was him. Being blind, the salesman wouldn't know that he was the only other person around. He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."

The guy says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?" He says, "Yes sir, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50."

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 7.71/10

Rating: 7.7/10 (14)

Honesty Policy

Boss (to the new employee): We are very keen on cleanliness. Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in?
New employee: Yes, sir.
Boss: We are also keen on truthfulness. There is no mat.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 7.72/10

Rating: 7.7/10 (18)

Whistle

What can a bird do that a man can't?

Whistle through his pecker.

#joke #short #animal #bird
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 7.91/10

Rating: 7.9/10 (11)

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