Jokes of the day for Saturday, 17 January 2009
Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Saturday, 17 January 2009 |
A paperboy said to a customer one day...
A paperboy said to a customer one day, "Mr. Smith, I wish I had twenty customers like you.""Gosh, that's nice to hear," said Smith, "but I'm kind of surprised considering I never tip all that well and always pay late."
The paperboy said, "I know, but I'd still like twenty customers like you. The problem is I have one hundred and forty!"
"The Massachusetts court ...
"The Massachusetts court decision to allow gay marriages this week may prove to be a divisive issue in the upcoming presidential election. President Bush is likely torn because he has to protect what he sees as a sacred institution and yet he knows gay marriage would boost the economy because you know those gay guys would go all out. We're talking about designer wedding cakes, $20,000 sleeveless tuxedos, giant naked man ice sculptures that pee mojitos. They'd hire Pattie La Belle as the band, give out African parrots as party favors. It'd be ridiculous. Remember, whatever your political beliefs, a vote to allow gay marriage is a vote for a fabulous economy."-- Tina Fey
The Sailor And The Pirate
A sailor meets a pirate in a bar, and take turns boasting of their adventures on the high seas. The sailor notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, hook, and an eyepatch.
The sailor asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out a shark bit my leg off."
"Wow!" said the sailor. "What about your hook"?
"Well...", replied the pirate, "While my men and I were plundering in the middle east, I was caught stealing from a merchant and the punishment for theft in the middle east is the loss of the hand that steals"
"Incredible!" remarked the sailor. "How did you get the eyepatch"?
"A sea gull dropping fell into my eye.", replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a sea gull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.
"Well...", said the pirate, "..it was my first day with the hook."
I Have A Question
A father and son went fishing one day. While they were out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, "How does this boat float?The father replied, "Don't rightly know son." A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked, "How do fish breath underwater?"
Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know son." A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?"
Again, the father repied. "Don't rightly know son." Finally, the boy asked his father, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?"
The father replied, "Of course not, you don't ask questions, you never learn nothin'."
Elephant Jokes 11
What do you call an elephant with a machine gun?
Sir!
What can an elephant with a machine gun call you?
Anything he likes!
What do you call an elephant that's small and pink?
A failure!
What is stronger an elephant or a snail?
A snail, because it carries it's house, an elephant just carries its trunk!
What do you give an elephant with big feet?
Plenty of room!
Tarzan was tired when he came home.
"What have you been doing", asked Jane.
"Chasing a herd of elephants on vines"
"Really?", said Jane. "I thought elephants stayed on the ground!"
What would happen if an elephant sat in front of you at the movies?
You would miss most of the film!
What steps would you take if you were being chased by an elephant?
Big ones!
What do you find in an elephants graveyard?
Elephantoms!
Why do elephants have wrinkly ankes?
Because their shoes are too tight!
A psychiatrist received a post...
A psychiatrist received a postcard from one of his clients who was vacationing in Spain. “I’m having a great time!” “Wish you were here to tell me why.”Arj Barker: 4th of July
I read this on the Internet -- did you know that 4th of July is more popular in this country than in any other country in the whole world?One Sunday a pastor told the c...
One Sunday a pastor told the congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.
A very quiet, elderly and saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."
Anxious Cab Driver
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much.
"The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."
Walking with a lantern...
Pappy sees Elmer walking with a lantern and asks, "Where ya going boy?" The son smiled and replied, "I'm a-going courting Peggy-Sue." The Father said, "When I went a-courtin', I didn't need me no dang lantern." "Sure Pa, I know." the boy said. "And look what you got !"STEVE JOBS FUNERAL
STEVE JOBS FUNERAL - They put him in this really expensive coffin, then they paid extra for a plastic case to protect it from scratches.
@realjeffreyross on Steve Jobs's funeral. http://on.cc.com/1E45WyW
New York Girl
A girl from New York and a girl from the west coast were seated side by side on an airplane.The girl from New York, being friendly and all said, "So, where ya from?"
The west coast girl said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence."
The girl from New York, sat quietly for a few moments and then replied:
"So, where ya from.... bitch?"
From the Blonde Files – Horseback Riding
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion.
It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blond begins to slide from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the horse's side anyway.
The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious of its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blond attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.
As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune Frank, a Wal-Mart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.
...... And you thought all they did was say Hello.