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Jokes of the day for Thursday, 07 May 2009

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Thursday, 07 May 2009

Q: Why do wom...

Q: Why do women have orgasms during sex?


A: They always need something to moan about.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Comedy.com - The World Famous Comedy.com Daily Joke!
  • Currently 4.67/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (3)

Laws

1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee..
#joke #short
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

Why did the tomato turn red? Why did the tomato turn red?

It saw the salad dressing
#joke #short #food #salad #tomato

Joke | Source: Kiwi box - today's pick Joke of the day
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

An Englishman, an Irishman and...

An Englishman, an Irishman and an Australian walk into a bar.
The barman says, "Is this some kind of bloody joke?"
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of The day - Used to be - Australian Joke of the day - site changed purpose and no longer serves jokes
  • Currently 6.57/10

Rating: 6.6/10 (7)

Church Bulletin Bloopers

- The Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
- Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
- The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
- Thursday night Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
- A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
- At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

#joke #friday
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

A big time Wall Street Broker ...

A big time Wall Street Broker moves to the country to become a chicken farmer. He purchases a small farm, and orders 1500 chicks from the local feed store. About three weeks later, he orders 2000 more chicks from the feed store. After another three weeks, he orders 2500 more chicks.

The feed store owner says to the broker, your chicken farm must really be growing.

The broker replies that its not growing too well, I am either planting them too deep or too far apart.
#joke #animal #chicken
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Used to be Joke rating machine, but this site is dead
  • Currently 4.40/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (5)

My Wife Is Beating Me


David: My wife beats me, doctor.
Doctor: Oh dear. How often?
David: Every time we play Scrabble!

Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 3.50/10

Rating: 3.5/10 (4)

Actual newspaper headlines....

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

Farmer Bill Dies in House

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

Stud Tires Out

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again

Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66

Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

Stolen Painting Found by Tree

Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies

Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter

Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One

Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `84

War Dims Hope for Peace

If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

#joke #policeman #animal #dog #cow #panda
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 2.83/10

Rating: 2.8/10 (6)

What happened when the shopper...

What happened when the shopper left her vegetables in the library?
It was a turnip for the books
#joke #short
Joke | Source: http://news.scotsman.com/ - Joke of the day
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

Great hooters

Sally (a blonde) was seen going into the woods with a small package and a large bird cage. She was gone several days but finally she returned. Her friend, Liz, never saw Sally looking' so sad.

Liz, "Heard you went off in the woods for a couple of days. Glad you got back okay...but you look so sad. Why??"

Sally, "Cause I just can't get a man."

Liz, "Well, you sure won't find one in the middle of the woods."

Sally, "Don't be so silly. I know that. But I went in the woods cause I needed something there that would get me a man. But I couldn't find it."

Liz, "I don't understand what you're talking about."

Sally, "Well, I went there to catch a couple of owls. I took some dead mice and a bird cage."

Liz, "So, how's that going help you get a man."

Sally, "Well, I heard the best way to get a man is to have a good pair of hooters."

#joke #blonde #animal #bird #owl #mice
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 5.30/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (10)

The Aging Explorer

A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had. The old explorer said, Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gunbearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger leapt toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I soiled myself. The reporter said, Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same. The old explorer said, No, not then - just now when I went ROARRRR!
#joke #animal #tiger #sport #hunting
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

Confucius say: Woman wear thr...

Confucius say: Woman wear three kinds of ring . . . the engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffeRing.
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 26 August 2008
  • Currently 6.60/10

Rating: 6.6/10 (10)

Getting Divorced

An elderly man calls his son who lives in another city and says: "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing, forty-five years of misery is enough".

"Dad, what are you talking about?"

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "No way they're getting divorced", she shouts. "I'll take care of this."

She calls her parents immediately, and says to her father: "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, do you hear me?!"

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says. "They're coming for our anniversary and paying their own way. Now what do we tell them for your birthday?"

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 9.17/10

Rating: 9.2/10 (6)

Pancakes for the dogs

wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?

me: They’re for the dogs

wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?

me: They don’t know how

Author: Josh

#joke #short #animal #dog #food #pancake
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 8.36/10

Rating: 8.4/10 (14)

Comfortable

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock.

They only have $600 left. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'

The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, 'It's just 99 cents a word.' Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'

The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it very slowly ... com-for-da-bull.'

#joke #blonde #animal #bull
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 7.08/10

Rating: 7.1/10 (13)

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