Jokes of the day for Sunday, 10 May 2009
Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Sunday, 10 May 2009 |
Kidding Me...
Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.Yo momma so ugly she looked ou...
Yo momma so ugly she looked out the window and got arrested for mooning.My kids love going to the...
My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and asked why it was so long.
"Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."
When their car broke down a Je...
When their car broke down a Jew, an Indian and an Australian knocked on a farmer's door to ask for accommodation for the night."I only have room for two, one of you will have to sleep in the barn," said the farmer.
"Alright, I will," said the Jew.
But 5 minutes later there was a knock at the door.
"There's a pig in the barn, I can't sleep in there," said the Jew.
"Okay, I'll go," said the Indian. Five minutes later there was a knock on the door.
"There is an un-sacred cow in the barn," he said.
"No worries mate, I'll go," said the Australian. Five minutes later there was yet another knock at the door.
It was the pig and cow!!!
The Children of Israel
"Mr. Goldblatt," announced little Joey, "there's something I can't figure out."
"What's that, Joey?" asked Goldblatt.
"Well, according to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?"
"Right.""And the Children of Israel beat up the Phillistines, right?"
"Er, right."
"And the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"
"Again you're right."
"And the Children of Israel fought the Egyptians, and the Children of Israel fought the Romans, and the Children of Israel were always doing something important, right?"
"All that is right, too," agreed Goldblatt. "So what's your question?"
"What were all the grown-ups doing?"
An elderly couple was driving ...
An elderly couple was driving across the country. While the woman was behind the wheel, the couple was pulled over by the highway patrol.Ma'am, did you know you were speeding? the officer said.
The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, What did he say?
He said you were speeding! the old man yelled.
The patrolman then asked, "May I see your license?"
The woman turned to her husband again, "What did he say?"
The old man yelled back, "He wants to see your license!"
The woman then gave the officer her license.
I see you are from Arkansas, the patrolman said. "I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen."
The woman turned to her husband again and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man replied, "He said he knows you!"
Corporate Lesson 1
A ...
Corporate Lesson 1A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel that you have on."
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
What do you want for Christmas?
The Santa Claus at the mall was very surprised when a young lady about twenty years old walked up and sat on his lap. Santa doesn't usually take requests from adults, but she smiled very nicely at him, so he asked her, "What do you want for Christmas?"
"Something for my mother," said the young lady.
"Something for your mother? Well, that's very thoughtful of you,'' smiled Santa. "What do you want me to bring her? "
Without blinking she replied, "A son-in-law!"
Eye of Gratitude
In the prime of her career, a world famouspainter started to lose her eyesight. Fearful
that she might lose her life as a painter, she
went to see the best eye surgeon in the world.
After several weeks of delicate surgery and
therapy, her eyesight was restored. The painter
was so grateful that she decided to show her
gratitude by repainting the doctor's office.
Part of her work included painting a gigantic
eye on one wall.
When she had finished her work, she held a
press conference to unveil her latest work of
art -- the doctor's office.
During the press conference, one reporter
noticed the eye on the wall, and asked the doctor,
"What was your first reaction upon seeing your
newly painted office, especially that large eye
on the wall?"
The eye doctor responded, "I said to myself,
'Thank God I'm not a proctologist.'
Death in the Family
A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.
Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible.
What's the problem?"
"My mother died in June," he said, "and left me $10,000."
"Gee, that's tough," he replied.
"Then in July," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $50,000."
"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."
"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."
"Three close family members lost in three months?
How sad."
"Then this month," continued, the friend, "nothing!"
Shopping trip...
Jennifer watched as the cashier rang up her purchases. "Cash, check or charge?" she asked, after folding the items Jennifer had bought. As Jennifer fumbled for her wallet, the cashier noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"Do you always carry your TV remote with you?" the cashier inquired.
"No," she replied. "But my husband, Jeff, refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."
When I found out my toaster wasn't water proof...
When I found out my toaster wasn't water proof...
I WAS SHOCKED!
Author:Wonderland6914Popping the question
Jimmie, an 80-year-old gentleman, retired to Florida after his wife of 58 years had passed away. He was quite alone in the world and longed for companionship again.
One day, as he was walking through a public park, he spied what he considered to be a very pretty, silver-haired lady sitting alone on a park bench. Getting his nerve up, he approached the lady and asked graciously, "Pardon me, ma'am, but may I sit here with you?"
The silver-haired Marcie looked up to see a distinguished-looking, white-haired gentleman and replied, "Why certainly," and moved over gently to give him room to sit down.
For the next two hours, the two sat and talked about everything. They discovered that they came from the same part of the country, liked the same big band music, voted for the same presidential candidates, had had long, happy marriages, ha lost their spouses during the previous year, and in general agreed about almost everything.
Finally, the old gentleman cleared his throat and asked sheepishly, "Ma'am, may I ask you two questions?"
With great interest and anticipation, Marcie replied, "Why certainly!"
The old gentleman removed a handkerchief from his coat pocket and spread it out on the ground before her. He very gingerly got down on one knee and looked her softly in the eyes. "Marcie, I know we've only known each other for a couple of hours, but we have so much in common. I feel I have known you all my life. Will you marry me and be my wife?"
Marcie grabbed at Jimmie's hands and said, "Why, yes, I will marry you! You have made me so very happy!" She reached over and kissed him gently on the cheek. Then Marcie said, "You said you had two questions to ask me. What is the second question?"
Jimmie scratched his neck and said, "Will you help me get up?"
A new soldier was on sentry du...
A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear - no car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back. The sentry said, "Halt, who goes there?"The chauffeur, a corporal, says, "General Wheeler."
"I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windshield."
The general said, "Drive on!"
The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker."
The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on!"
The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the driver?"
Socks...
A young man and a young woman were soon to be married, but they both had a problem they had never told anyone else about. The man approached his father one day before the wedding and told him about his problem. His feet REALLY stunk, even if he washed them constantly, he was worried that this would scare off his new bride, so he needed a solution, fast. His father pondered the situation and finally told his son to wear socks constantly (even to bed) and always wash his feet whenever he got a chance. The son thought about this and went along happy.
The same day the young lady approached her mother and told her about her problem. Her morning breath was horrid. Her mother reassured her and told her everyone had bad morning breath. The young woman told her mother that this was not normal morning breath but easily the worst in the world. The mother thinks about this and comes up with this bright idea. She tells her daughter to get up earlier than everyone else and don't say a thing, go make breakfast and then brush her teeth while the others are eating. The young woman thinks and then runs off to get ready for the wedding, happy.
The couple is married and they are happy, him with his perpetual socks and her with her morning silences. One morning about 5:30 am the young man wakes up to find one sock missing. He starts rustling around in the bed looking for it, which of course wakes up his wife, who without thinking asks what's wrong.
With a look of shock on his face the young man says, "OH MY GOD! You've swallowed my sock!"