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Jokes of the day for Sunday, 27 September 2009

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Sunday, 27 September 2009

A Polish immigrant went to the...

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy!"
#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Used to be Joke rating machine, but this site is dead
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

A couple from the kids...

A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, 'There were 2 boy kittens and 2 girl kittens.' 'How did you know?' his mother asked. 'Daddy picked them up and looked underneath,' he replied. 'I think it's printed on the bottom.'

A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table. 'What are you doing?' his mother asked. 'The box says not to eat them if the seal is broken' the boy explained. 'I'm looking for the seal.'

#joke #animal #seal #mother
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 3.50/10

Rating: 3.5/10 (6)

Business One-liners 15


As the economy gets better, everything else gets worse.
As they say in Beirut, Shiite happens.
Asking dumb questions is easier than correcting dumb mistakes.
Assumption is the mother of all foul-ups.
At any level of traffic, any delay is intolerable.
Automatic simply means that you can't repair it yourself.
Bad news drives good news out of the media.
Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they always point upward from the floor.
Batman is the hero any of us could be, given determination, exercise, and deep psychological trauma. - Chris Jarocha-Ernst
Be content with what you've got, but be sure you've got plenty.

#joke #sport #exercise #mother
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 4.33/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (3)

Moving with Jesus

A family recently moved to New Jersey. The first night as

the mother was putting her son, 2 1/2, to bed, she said,

"Let's say our prayers to Jesus."

The little boy asked, "Did he move with us too?"

Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 2.83/10

Rating: 2.8/10 (6)

New York State of Mind

Do you know why New Yorkers are always so depressed?
Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 4.71/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (7)

A man was driving a horse and ...

A man was driving a horse and cart along a country road at an angle of 45 degrees. After three miles like this, he asked a passer-by: "How long does this blasted hill last?" "This isn't a hill," came the reply. "Your back wheels are off!"
#joke #short #animal #horse
Joke | Source: http://news.scotsman.com/ - Joke of the day
  • Currently 3.77/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (13)

“I’d like to order a bar piz...

“I’d like to order a bar pizza,” the idiot says.
“Shall I ask them to cut it into six or twelve slices,” the barmaid asks.
“Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces.
Joke | Source: Kiwi box - today's pick Joke of the day
  • Currently 4.38/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (34)

Sister Mary Ann

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was making her rounds. She was visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas.
As luck would have it, a gas station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned
Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, "If it starts, I'm becoming Catholic."

#joke #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 23 August 2009
  • Currently 7.13/10

Rating: 7.1/10 (55)

IF MY BODY WERE A CAR...
IF MY BODY WERE A CAR...
If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about
trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches
in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull . but that's
not the worst of it.
My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things
up close.
My traction is not as graceful as it once was.I slip and slide and
skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.My whitewalls
are stained with varicose veins.
It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed.My fuel rate burns
inefficiently.
But here's the worst of it -----------------------
------- Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter.....either my radiator
leaks or my exhaust backfires
#joke

Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 28 March 2009
  • Currently 5.31/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (13)

A guy is sitting at a bar, thr...

A guy is sitting at a bar, throwing back glass after glass of scotch.

The bartender, a little worried, asks him if he's okay.

"No, I'm not," the guy replies. "I just caught my wife in bed with my best friend."

"Well," asks the bartender, "what did you say to your wife?"

"Nothing. I'm not speaking to that bitch anymore."

"Well, what did you say to your best friend?"

"BAD DOG! BAD DOG!"
#joke #animal #dog #drinks #scotch
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 27 September 2008
  • Currently 6.14/10

Rating: 6.1/10 (7)

The Million Dollar Question for God


A poor man walking in the forest feels close enough to God to ask, "God, what is a million years to you?"

God replies, "My son, a million years to you is like a second to me."

The man asks, "God, what is a million dollars to you?"God replies, "My son, a million dollars to you is less than a penny to me. It means almost nothing to me."

The man asks, "So God, can I have a million dollars?"

And God replies, "In a second."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 27 September 2008
  • Currently 4.67/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (6)

Widow For One Year

One day three women were at a beauty parlor talking about their husbands. The first woman says, ''Last night my husband said he was going to his office, but when I called they said he wasn't there!''
''I know!'' the next woman says, ''Last night my husband said he was going to his brother's house but when I called he wasn't there.''
The third woman says, ''I always know where my husband is.''
''Impossible!'' both women say, ''He has you completely fooled!''
''Oh no,'' says the woman. ''I'm a widow.''
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 27 September 2008
  • Currently 6.40/10

Rating: 6.4/10 (5)

Scary Collection 41


A ghost joke

Why are ghosts bad at telling lies?

Because you can see right through them!


A vampire joke

What does a vampire bath in?

A bat tub!


A werewolf joke

Why did the boy take a pain killer after hearing a werewolf howl?

Because it gave him eerie ache!


A vampire joke

What does Dracula say when you tell him something interesting?

Well fangcy that!


A werewolf joke

What do you call a hairy beast that is lost?

A where-wolf!


A vampire joke

What flavour ice cream is Dracula's favourite?

Veinilla!


A werewolf joke

What do you call a hairy beast in a river?

A weir-wolf!





#joke #animal #wolf #bat
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 27 September 2008
  • Currently 3.80/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (5)

A Parrots Tale...

<...

A Parrots Tale...

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"S**t," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."

"Oh yeah?", the guy asks, "Then answer this...How do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my 'willie' around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow" says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English, can't you?"

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The guy looks at the $200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."

"Pssssst" says the parrot...."I'm defective, so the truth is; nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You probably can get me for $20. Just make the guy an offer!"

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathises, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted. One day he comes home from work and the parrot goes "Pssssssssssst" and motions him over with one wing.

"I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.

"When the postman delivered today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie and kissed him passionately."

"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began touching all over" reported the parrot.

"My God!" he exclaims. "Then what?"

"Then he lifted up her nightie and began to kiss her all over....."

"WELL???" demands the frantic guy. "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

"Who knows. I fell off my perch."

#joke #animal #bird #parrot #pet #sport
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 27 September 2008
  • Currently 5.25/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (4)

Book now for the lec...

“Book now for the lecture on the expanding universe because space is limited.”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous jokes on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 7.70/10

Rating: 7.7/10 (10)

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