Jokes of the day for Monday, 28 September 2009

A Recently Spotted Bumper Sticker:

"If going to church makes you a Christian, does going to the garage make you a car?"

MOTHER TALKING TO HER BLONDE D...

MOTHER TALKING TO HER BLONDE DAUGHTER:

AT THE AGE OF TEN:
Honey, you are too young to play with big boys!

AT THE AGE OF THIRTY:
You are too big to play with young boys, honey!

Who in government is r...

Who in government is responsible for Britain's spies?

Is She Feeling Any Better?

Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.

Is There a Santa Claus?

Is There a Santa Claus? A Rebuttal...

Rebuttal: Several key points are overlooked by this callous, amateurish ''study.''

Flying reindeer: As is widely known due to the excellent historical documentary ''Santa Claus is Coming to Town,'' the flying reindeer are not a previously unknown species of reindeer, but were in fact given the power of flight due to eating magic acorns. As is conclusively proven in ''Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer'' (a no-punches- pulled look at life in Santa's village), this ability has bred true in subsequent generations of reindeer--obviously the magic acorns imprinted their power on a dominant gene sequence within the reindeer DNA strand.

Number of households: This figure overlooks two key facts. First of all, the first major schism in the Church split the Eastern Churches, centered in Byzantium, from the Western, which remained centered in Rome. This occurred prior to the Gregorian correction to the Julian calendar. The Eastern churches (currently called Orthodox Churches) do not recognize the Gregorian correction for liturgical events, and their Christmas is, as a result, several days after that of the Western Churches'. Thus, Santa gets two shots at delivering toys.

Secondly, the figure of 3.5 children per household is based on the gross demographic average, which includes households with no children at all. The number of children per household, when figured as an average for households with children, would therefore have to be adjusted upward. Also, the largest single Christian denomination is Roman Catholic, who, as we all know, breed like rabbits. If you don't believe me, ask my four brothers and two sisters--they'll back me up. Due to the predominance of Catholics within Christian households, the total number of households containing Christian children would have to be adjusted downward to reflect the overloading of Catholics beyond a standard deviation from the median.

Also, the assertion that each home would contain at least one good child would be reasonable enough if there were in fact an even 3.5 children per household. However, since the number of children per household is distributed integrally, there is a significant number (on the order of several million) of one-child Christian households. Even though only children are notoriously spoiled--and therefore disproportionately inclined toward being naughty--since it's the holidays we'll be generous and give them a fifty-fifty chance of being nice. This removes one half of the single-child households from Santa's delivery schedule, which has already been reduced by the removal of the Orthodox households from the first delivery run.

Santa's delivery run (speed, payload, etc.): These all suffer from the dubious supposition that there is only one Santa Claus. The name ''Santa'' is obviously either Spanish or Italian, two ethnic groups which are both overwhelmingly Catholic. The last name Claus suggests a joint German/

Horse Fall

Q: What did the horse say when he fell?
A: Ive fallen and I cant giddy up!

“I’d like to order a bar piz...

“I’d like to order a bar pizza,” the idiot says.
“Shall I ask them to cut it into six or twelve slices,” the barmaid asks.
“Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces.

Actual newspaper headlines....

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

Farmer Bill Dies in House

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

Stud Tires Out

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again

Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66

Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

Stolen Painting Found by Tree

Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies

Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter

Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One

Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `84

War Dims Hope for Peace

If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

An airline captain was helping...

An airline captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her.
She answered the phone, crying, and said, "I can't get out of the room!"
"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked. "Why not?"
She replied, "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

The Official Polish Sex Quiz The Official Polish Sex Quiz

Study each question carefully. Then, choose the answer that seems most correct ("T" for True or "F" for False) and mark an "X" (just like you sign your name) under the appropriate heading on the right side.

T F
1. A clitoris is a type of flower. _ _
2. Pubic hair is a wild rabbit. _ _
3. "Spread Eagle" is an extinct bird. _ _
4. Vagina is a medical term used to describe heart trouble. _ _
5. Menstrual cycle has three (3) wheels. _ _
6. A G-string is part of a violin. _ _
7. Semen is another word for "sailor". _ _
8. Anus is the Latin word for "yearly". _ _
9. Testicles are found on an octopus. _ _
10. Asphalt describes rectal troubles. _ _
11. Masturbate is used to catch large fish. _ _
12. KOTEX is a radio station in Bryan, Texas. _ _
13. Coitus is a musical instrument. _ _
14. Fetus is a character on "Gunsmoke". _ _
15. An umbilical cord is part of a parachute. _ _
16. A condom is an apartment complex. _ _
17. An organism is the person who accompanies the church choir. _ _
18. A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry. _ _
19. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle. _ _
20. An erection is when the Japanese go to the voting booths. _ _
21. A lesbian is a person from the Middle East. _ _
22. Sodomy is a special kind of fast-growing grass. _ _
23. Pornography is the business of making record albums. _ _
24. Genitals are people of non-Jewish origins. _ _
25. Douche is the Italian word for "twelve". _ _
26. An enema is someone who is not your friend. _ _
27. Ovaries are a French egg dish made with cheese. _ _

#joke

The Perfect Sneeze...

The Perfect Sneeze...

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the plane.

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose and then shuddered quite violently for 10 or 15 seconds. The man went back to his reading.

A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, gently wiped her nose and shuddered quite violently as before. The man was becoming more and more curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes passed and the woman sneezed one more time. Again she took a tissue, gently wiped her nose and shuddered violently.

The man couldn't restrain his curiosity. He turned to the woman and said, "You've sneezed three times, wiped your nose with a tissue, then shuddered violently! Are you all right?"

"I'm sorry if I disturbed you," the woman replied, "I have a rare condition; when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The man was a little embarrassed but even more curious and said, "I've never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?"

The woman looked at him and said, "Pepper."

#joke

Knock Knock Collection 046

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Dennis!

Dennis who?

Dennis says I need to have a tooth out!


Knock Knock

Who's there?

Denise!

Denise who?

Denise are above your ankles!


Knock Knock

Who's there?

Denver!

Denver who?

Denver the good old days!


Knock Knock

Who's there?

Desi!

Desi who?

Desi'gnated hitter!


Knock Knock

Who's there?

Desiree!

Desiree who?

Desiree a ray of sunshine in my life...!

New windows

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with expensive double panel energy-efficient kind.

This week I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work had been completed a whole year ago and I had yet to pay for the window replacement.

Boy oh boy, did we go around!

Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.

I proceeded to tell him that his fast talking sales manager had told me at the time of installation that in one year the windows would pay for themselves.

There was silence on the other end of the line so I just hung up and I haven't heard from him since.

Guess I won that argument.

Submitted by Curtis

Edited by Yisman

Phone service...

Classmates at college were lamenting the cost of long distance phone service and debating the relative advantages of AT&T, MCI, and Sprint.

"I've found CTC to be the cheapest plan around," offered one.

"CTC? Who are they?"

"You know," he responded. "Call Them Collect."

Do you have the stones to say this to your wife

My wife was going through her wardrobe and said "Look at this, it still fits me after 25 years."
I said "It's a freaking scarf."