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Jokes of the day for Friday, 16 October 2009

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 16 October 2009

Cow and Her Apples

A squirrel is chillin in a tree when a cow climbs up and sits next to him.
Whatcha doin here? asks the squirrel.
Im here to eat some apples.
But this is a pine tree!
I know. I brought my own apples.
#joke #short #animal #cow #fruit #apple
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 5.75/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (8)

There was a sign at a strip cl...

There was a sign at a strip club indicating the cost for a lapdance, but it was per loined.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 3.50/10

Rating: 3.5/10 (6)

To celebrate 50 years of marri...

To celebrate 50 years of marriage, a couple booked a weekend at St. Andrews. On the third tee, the husband you, "Darling, I have to confess something. Twenty years ago I had a brief affair. It meant nothing. I hope that you can forgive me."

His wife was hurt but said, "Dearest, those days are long gone. What we have now is far more valuable. I forgive you." They embraced and kissed.

On the seventeenth tee the wife said to her husband, "Darling, since we're being honest with each other, I have something to tell you. Fifty-two years ago I had a sex change operation, I was a man before we met."

The husband threw a fit! He cursed, threw his driver away, broke the rest of his clubs one by one, tore at his clothes, screamed and ranted,"You liar, you despicable cheat! How could you? I trusted you, and you have been playing off from the ladies' tee all these years!"
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

Q: Why was the computer so col...

Q: Why was the computer so cold?
A: Because it forgot to shut its window
#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

Praying for Coffee Cake

An overweight business associate of mine decided it was time to shed some excess pounds. He took his new diet seriously, even changing his driving route to avoid his favorite bakery. One morning, however, he arrived at work carrying a gigantic coffee cake. We all scolded him, but his smile remained cherubic.
"This is a very special coffee cake,” he explained. “I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning, and there in the window was a host of goodies. I felt this was no accident, so I prayed, ‘Lord, if you want me to have one of those delicious coffee cakes, let me have a parking place directly in front of the bakery. And sure enough,” he continued, “the eighth time around the block, there it was!”
This joke was reprinted from "Laugh Yourself Healthy" by Charles and Frances Hunter, with permission of Strang Communications. Copyright 2008. All rights reserved.

#joke #food #cake #drinks #coffee
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 4.38/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (8)

Three men, an American, a Russ...

Three men, an American, a Russian, and a Puerto Rican, are standing on a bridge. The Russian removes a bottle of vodka from his coat, takes a sip, and then throws the bottle over the bridge.

The Puerto Rican asks, "Why did you do that? That was perfectly good bottle of vodka!"

The Russian replies, "There's plenty of that where I come from."

The Puerto Rican doesn't want to be upstaged, so he removes a joint from his pocket, takes a long puff, and then throws the rest of it over the bridge.

The American exclaims, "Hey! What the hell did you do that for? That was a perfectly good joint!"

The Puerto Rican replies, "There's plenty of that where I come from."

Now, the American doesn't want to be upstaged, so he searches through his pockets but he can't find anything. He looks around for a moment, then grabs the Puerto Rican and throws him over the bridge.

The Russian exclaims, "What the hell did you do that for?"

The American replies, "There's plenty of that where I come from."
#joke #drinks #vodka
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Used to be Joke rating machine, but this site is dead
  • Currently 5.83/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (6)

I can not tell a lie...

A married man and his secretary were having a torrid affair. One afternoon they couldn't contain their passion, so they rushed over to her place where they spent the afternoon making passionate love. When they were finished, they fell asleep, not waking until 8 o'clock that night.

They got dressed quickly. Then the man asked his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them on the lawn. Bewildered, she did as he asked, thinking him pretty weird.

The man finally got home and his wife met him at the door. Upset, she asked where he'd been. The man replied, "I can not tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair. Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the afternoon making love, and then fell asleep. That's why I'm late."

The wife looked at him, took notice of his shoes, and yelled, "I can see those are grass stains on your shoes. YOU LIAR! You've been playing golf again, haven't you?"

#joke #sport #golf
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 6.25/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (4)

Partner Takes Vacation

Signs Your Partner Needs A Vacation
9. Every Tuesday he insists it's his turn to be the siren.
8. He wants to transfer to a K-9 unit because he thinks he'd look good in a collar.
7. He wants you to call him "Judge Dredd", and he insists that all suspects should be executed right there on the spot.
6. He talk to himself. Half of him is the "good cop", and the other half is the "bad cop".
5. He keeps asking you if his bullet proof vest makes him look fat.
4. He is exchanging donut recipes with complete strangers.
3. The perpetrators beg him to stop talking about his relationship troubles.
2. He wants to hear less talk and more music on the police channel.
1. He keeps handcuffing himself by accident!!

#joke #policeman
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 3.33/10

Rating: 3.3/10 (3)


An ambitious investment banker finally decided to take a

vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and

proceeded to have the time of his life. least for

awhile. A hurricane came unexpectedly. The ship went down

and was lost instantly. The man found himself swept up on the

shore of an island with no other people, no supplies,

nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. Used to 4-star hotels,

this guy had no idea what to do. So for the next four months

he ate bananas, drank coconut juice, longed for his old life,

and fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship.

One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement

out of the corner of his eye. It was a rowboat, and in it was

the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to


In disbelief, he asked her: "Where did you come from? How

did you get here?"

"I rowed from the other side of the island," she said, "I

landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived.

How many of you are there? You were really lucky to have a

rowboat wash up with you."

"It's only me," she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up,

nothing did."

He was confused, "Then how did you get the rowboat?"

"Oh, simple." replied the woman "I made the rowboat out of

raw material that I found on the island. The oars were

whittled from Gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from Palm

branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus


"But-- but, that's impossible," stuttered the man, "you had

no tools or hardware, how did you manage?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman, "on the south

side of the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial

rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain

temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile

iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the

hardware. But, enough of that," she said. "Where do you


Sheepishly he confessed that he had been sleeping on the

beach the whole time.

"Well, let's row over to my place, then," she said.

After a few minutes of rowing, she docked the boat at a

small wharf. As the man looked onto shore he nearly fell out

of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an

exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman

tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man

could only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walked into the

house, she said casually "It's not much, but I call it home.

Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"

"No, no thank you" he said, still dazed, "can't take any

more coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a

still. How about a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted,

and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had

exchanged their stories, the woman announced, "I'm going to

slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take

a shower and shave, there is a razor upstairs in the cabinet

in the bathroom."

No longer questioning anything, the man went into the


There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle.

Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to

its end inside of a swivel mechanism. "This woman is

amazing," he mused, "what next?"

When he returned, she greeted him wearing nothing but vines

(strategically positioned) and smelling faintly of gardenias.

She beckoned for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she

began, suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been

out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There's

something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now,

something you've been longing for all these months? You

know... "

She stared into his eyes. He couldn't believe what he was

hearing: "You mean-- ?", he replied, "--I can check my voice

mail from here?"

#joke #fruit #banana #coconut #drinks #juice
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 5.57/10

Rating: 5.6/10 (7)

What happened when the...

What happened when the hyena swallowed an Oxo cube? He became a laughing stock!
Hilary Rae
How do young wizards and witches correct their homework?
They use a spell-checker.
#joke #short #animal #hyena
Joke | Source: - Joke of the day
  • Currently 4.67/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (6)

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't i...

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: ; Did you actually pass the bar exam?
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 16 April 2009
  • Currently 7.56/10

Rating: 7.6/10 (9)

What happens when a lawyer tak...

What happens when a lawyer takes Viagra? -- They grow taller!
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 16 October 2008
  • Currently 4.00/10

Rating: 4.0/10 (3)

The pharmacist

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9, or 12 and asks which the young man wants.

"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the night." We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out after that. And I have a feeling that I'm going to get lucky, so you better give me the 12 pack. The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."

He leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father was a pharmacist."

#joke #food #dinner #father
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 8.12/10

Rating: 8.1/10 (17)


Q: What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?

A: A pimp.

Submitted by Curtis

Edited by calamjo

#joke #short #animal #sheep
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 7.09/10

Rating: 7.1/10 (11)

I Raced A Prius

A Prius just tried to race me at the light...
I totally had it for the first 100 meters, but I can only walk so fast.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 8.92/10

Rating: 8.9/10 (13)

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