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Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 29 December 2009

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 29 December 2009

Give Me The News, Doc...

The doctor took his patient into the room and said, "I have some good news and some bad news."
The patient said, "Give me the good news."
"They're going to name a disease after you."
Joke | Source: Joke Diary - Really Funny Jokes Daily
  • Currently 6.09/10

Rating: 6.1/10 (11)

A defendant asked the judge to...

A defendant asked the judge to appoint a new attorney to represent him. "For what reason?" the judge asked.

The defendant said the public defender assigned to him wasn't interested in his case.

The judge addressed the man's attorney, "Do you have any comments on the defendant's motion?"

The attorney replied, "I'm sorry, your honor, I wasn't listening."
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 5.17/10

Rating: 5.2/10 (6)

Wait Until the Police Arrice

Two men got out of their cars after they collided at an intersection.
One took a flask from his pocket and said to the other, "Here, maybe you'd like a nip to calm your nerves."
"Thanks," he said, and took a long pull from the container.
"Here, you have one, too," he added, handing back the whiskey.
"Well, I'd rather not," said the first. "At least not until after the police have been here."
#joke #policeman #drinks #whiskey
Joke | Source: Daily Jokes - A Clean Joke Everyday!
  • Currently 7.29/10

Rating: 7.3/10 (7)

Funny Photo of the day - Let There Be Subsidized Light!

Let There Be Subsidized Light! | Source : There I fixed it - photos of ur handiwork!
  • Currently 3.86/10

Rating: 3.9/10 (7)

It seems a farm boy accide...

It seems a farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon-load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise. "Hey Wilmer!" the farmer yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come in and have a bite with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon up."

"That's mighty nice of you," Wilmer answered. "But I don't think Pa would like me to."

"Aw, come on." the farmer insisted.

"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "But Pa won't like it."

After a hearty dinner, Wilmer thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."

"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is your Pa?"

Wilmer replied, "Under the wagon."

#joke #food #dinner
Joke | Source: Laughspot - Free Daily Jokes, Ecards, & Games
  • Currently 6.81/10

Rating: 6.8/10 (67)

Wide men can't j...

Wide men can't jump.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 2.63/10

Rating: 2.6/10 (8)

His girlfriend had just learne...

His girlfriend had just learned to drive the car and now they were out in the suburbs racking along over seventy. “Doesn’t speeding over the beautiful country make you glad you are alive?” she asked.
“Glad?” He raised an eyebrow. “Glad in not the word for it. I’m amazed.”
#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (5)

Psychopath Test

Read this question, come up with an answer and then scroll down to the bottom for the result. This is not a trick question . It is as it reads.
No one I know has gotten it right. Few people do.
A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met a guy whom she did not know. She thought this guy was amazing. She believed him to be her dream guy so much that she fell in love with him right there, but never asked for his number and could not find him. A few days later she killed her sister.
Question: What is her motive for killing her sister?
[Give this some thought before you answer, see answer below]

She was hoping the guy would appear at the funeral again. If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath. This was a test by a famous American Psychologist used to determine if one has the same mentality as a killer. Many arrested serial killers took part in the test and answered the question correctly. If you didn't answer the question correctly, good for you.
If you got the answer correct, please let me know so I can take your crazy ass off my list!
#joke #mother
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 4.75/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (4)

Three Engineers and three Acco...

Three Engineers and three Accountants are going on a business trip by train.

At the train station, the 3 accountants are ordering 3 tickets while the engineers are only ordering one ticket. The accountants ask "Why only one ticket?", the engineers reply that they have a scheme to save money.

So they all board the train and upon departure, the 3 engineers get into one bathroom. When the Train Controller checks for tickets, he takes the three tickets from the seated accountants and then knocks on the bathroom door asking "Ticket please" - the door opens slightly with a hand giving him one ticket. A couple of minutes later, the engineers come out of the bathroom and sit in empty seats making fun of the accountants.

On the way back, not wanting to be outsmarted, the accountants buy one ticket only but they notice that the engineers do not buy any, so they ask "You think you can ride free now?" - the engineers reply that they now have an even better scheme to save money.

So they all board the train and upon departure, the 3 accountants get into one bathroom and they see the 3 engineers all getting into the other one. Shortly after departure, one of the engineer gets out of its bathroom and knocks on the accountants bathroom door saying "Ticket please"...
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Used to be Joke rating machine, but this site is dead
  • Currently 4.90/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (10)

A police officer saw a car speeding...

A police officer saw a car speeding down the highway. He started chasing after the speeder . When he got close hes saw it was a blonde woman who was actually knitting while driving. The cop yelled, Pull over! The blonde shouted back, No! Its a sweater!
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 6.40/10

Rating: 6.4/10 (10)

The chicken or the egg?

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face and the egg is frowning and looking a bit pissed off. The egg mutters, to no-one in particular, "Well, I guess we answered THAT question!"

#joke #short #animal #chicken #food #egg
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 4.93/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (14)

Touring Guide For North

Northerners visiting the South Information for Northerners Visiting the Southern States
If you are from the northern states and planning on visiting or moving to the south, there are a few things you should know that will help you adapt to the difference in life styles:
1. If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel-drive pickup truck with a 12-pack of beer and a towchain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
2. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. Do not buy food at this store.
3. Remember: "Y'all" is singular, "All y'all" is plural, and "All y'alls'" is plural possessive.
4. Get used to hearing "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
5. You may hear a Southerner say "Oughta!" to a dog or child. This is short for "Y'all oughta not do that!" and is the equivalent of saying "No!"
6. Don't be worried about not understanding what people are saying; they can't understand you, either.
7. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big ol'," as in "big ol' truck " or "big ol' boy." Most Northerners begin their new Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.
8. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
9. Be advised that "He needed killin'" is a valid defense here.
10. If you hear a Southerner exclaim "Hey, y'all, watch this," stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.
11. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.
12. When you come upon a person driving 15 mph down the middle of the road, remember that most folks here learn to drive on a John Deere, and that this is the proper speed and position for that vehicle.

Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 6.38/10

Rating: 6.4/10 (8)

Dennis Rodman

A woman is picked up by Dennis Rodman in a bar.

They like each other and she goes back with him to his hotel room.

He removes his shirt revealing all his tattoos and she sees that on his arm is one which reads, "Reebok".

She thinks that's a bit odd and asks him about it.

Dennis says, "When I play basketball, the cameras pick up the tattoo and Reebok pays me for advertisement."

A bit later, his pants are off and she sees "Puma" tattooed on his leg.

He gives the same explanation for the unusual tattoo.

Finally, the underwear comes off and she sees the word "AIDS" tattooed on his penis.

She jumps back with shock. "I'm not going to do it with a guy who has AIDS!"

He says, "It's cool baby, in a minute it's going to say "ADIDAS".

Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 6.75/10

Rating: 6.8/10 (8)

Why is 6 afraid of 7?

... Why is 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 8 9.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: - Joke of the day
  • Currently 4.60/10

Rating: 4.6/10 (10)

Cookies in Heaven?

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled down the stairs.
With labored breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted: the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.
The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with aspatula by his wife.
"Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral."

#joke #food #chocolate
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 05 June 2009
  • Currently 4.92/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (13)

An Australian was in Ireland. ...

An Australian was in Ireland. On his way to Belfast, he stopped
at a bar and asked one of the locals, "What's the quickest way
to Belfast?" The Irishmen asked, "Are you walking or driving?"
The Australian replied, "I'm driving!" The Irishman said, "Aye,
that'd be the quickest way!"
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 25 February 2009
  • Currently 6.00/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (18)

A police officer stops a blond...

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
#joke #short #blonde #policeman
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 29 December 2008
  • Currently 3.67/10

Rating: 3.7/10 (6)

A Drunk's Logic


A Drunk's Logic

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she picked up:

a litre of low fat milk,

a dozen eggs,

a litre of orange juice,

a lettuce,

a 250 g pack of coffee,

and 500 grams of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the cash register, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the cash register and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

#joke #fruit #orange #food #egg #bacon #drinks #milk #coffee #juice
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 29 December 2008
  • Currently 4.25/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (4)

Three Months to Live

A guy goes to see a doctor and after a series of tests the doctor comes in and says,

"I've got some good news and some bad news."

"What's the bad news?"

asks the patient.

"The bad news is that unfortunately, you've only got 3 months to live."

The patient is shocked, "Oh my god! Well what's the good news then, doctor?"

The doctor points over to the secretary at the front desk,

"You see that blonde with the big breasts, tight ass and legs that go all the way up to heaven?"

The patient says, "Yes."

The doctor smiles and replies, "I'm banging her!"

#joke #blonde #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 29 December 2008
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (4)

Parking the car....

Joe and Joan were sitting down to their usual morning cup of coffee listening to the weather report on the radio. "There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared," the weather report said.

"You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets."

Joe said, "Jeez, okay," and got up from his coffee.

The next day they were sitting down with their morning cups of coffee. The weather forecast was, "There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared.

You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the streets." Again Joe replied, "Jeez, okay," and got up from his coffee.

Two days later, again they're sitting down with their cups of coffee and the weather forecast said, "There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the..." and the power went out and Joe didn't get the rest of the instructions.

He turned to Joan, "Jeez, what am I going to do now, Joan?"

Joan replied, "Aw, Joe, just leave the car in the darned garage today."

#joke #drinks #coffee
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 29 December 2008
  • Currently 7.50/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (2)

What do you call a travel...

What do you call a travelling flea?
An itch hiker

Max Thomas, Abbeyhill
If you have a joke you would like to share with us e-mail: letters_en@edinburgh

The full article contains 36 words and appears in Edinburgh Evening News newspaper.
Page 1 of 1

Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 29 December 2008
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

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