Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 09 March 2010

An Antartian named Babbette fi...

An Antartian named Babbette finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial trouble. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."
Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Babbette again prays..."God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lotto night comes and Babbette still has no luck.
Once again, she prays..."My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Babbette is confronted by the voice of God Himself: "Babbette, meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket."

Husband Down

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wall-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'
On the PA system: 'Cleanup on aisle 25, we have a husband down.'

The Mule, The Farmer, and The Mother-In-Law #joke #humor

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride.

While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways.

At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply.

Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.

The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would then ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'"

Which breed of dog is expert a...

Which breed of dog is expert at home repairs? A caulker spaniel.

Not long after his marriage, E...

Not long after his marriage, Ernie Junior and his father Ernie senior, met for lunch.

"Well son," asked Ernie senior, "How is married life treating you?"

"Not very well, I'm afraid," sighed junior. "It seems I married a nun."

"A nun?" his father questioned.

"That's right," moaned Ernie junior. "None in the morning, none at night, and none at all unless I beg!"

Ernie senior nodded knowingly and slapped his boy on the back a couple of times. "Why don't we all get together for dinner tonight and have a nice talk?"

Young Ernie smiled, "Say, Dad, that's a great idea!"

"Fine," replied Ernie senior, "I'll call home and tell the Mother Superior to set two extra plates."

Two dumb fishermen...

Two fishermen, Paul and Jim, decided to rent a boat on a lake for their favorite sport. After fishing for 4 hours at various places around the lake with no luck at all they decided to try one more spot before calling it quits. Suddenly things started to happen and they caught their limit inside of twenty minutes.

Paul said, Hey we should mark this spot, so next time we will know where to come,

Jim says good idea, and he took out a can of spray paint and made a large X on the floor of the boat to mark the spot.

With that Paul says, why did you do that, now anyone who rents this boat will know where to fish.

Elephant Jokes 05

Why did the elephant paint his toenails red?
So he could hide in the cherry tree!

What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo?
Big holes all over Australia!

What's the difference between a sick elephant and seven days?
One is a weak one and the other one week!

What pill would you give to an elephant that can't sleep?
Trunkquilizers!

Why are elephants grey?
So you can tell them from flamingos!

Elephant Keeper: "My Elephant isn't well, do you know a good animal doctor?
"
Zoo Keeper: "No, all the doctors I know are people!"
Why do elephants scratch themselves?
Because they're the only ones who know where they itch!

How does an elephant get down from a tree?
He sits on a leaf and waits till autumn!

Why did the elephant paint himself with different colours?
Because he wanted to hide in the colouring box!

How do you know that peanuts are fattening?
Have you ever seen a skinny elephant?

Julian McCullough: Drunk Girl Orgasm

Trying to get a drunk girl to finish is like trying to take a drunk girl home when she cant remember where she lives. Shes like, Thats not it, thats not it, thats not it.

While driving down the road a ...

While driving down the road a motorist passed a fairground and he noticed a fortune teller sitting under a canopy outside, laughing and smiling. The motorist drove on for a couple of miles down the road then spun his car around and sped back toward the fortune teller. He pulled up next to the woman, jumped out of his car and suddenly began slapping and beating her."What are you doing?" asked the injured woman. The man replied: "Well, I've always wanted to strike a happy m

Two blondes, Carol and Patt...

Two blondes, Carol and Patty, were walking down the street.

Carol noticed a compact on the sidewalk and leaned down to pick it up. She opened it, looked in the mirror and said, "Hmmm, this person looks familiar." Patty said, "Let me look!" So Carol handed her the Compact.

Patty looked in the mirror and said,"You dummy, it's me!

Bibles to Boats

A young man from Nebraska moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The manager asks, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid replies, "Yeah, I was one of the best Bible salesman back in Omaha."
The boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You can start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?” The kid responds, "One."
The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"
"$101,237.65."
"$101,237.65? Holy Mother Mary! What did you sell to him?"
"First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then, I sold him a medium fish hook. Then, I sold him a larger fish hook. Then, I sold him a new fishing rod. Then, I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler. Then, he said he didn't think his car would pull it, so I took him down to the automobile department and sold him a 4x4 truck with all the bells and whistles."
"A guy came in here to buy a fish hook, and you sold him a boat and a truck?!"
"No, the guy came in here to buy feminine products for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot. You should go fishing.'"
- Joke shared by Beliefnet member socaliflady

AOL Support Call

AOL: America Online, this is Sue speaking.

Caller: Hi, I have some questions about American Online

before I join.

AOL: Okay, ma'am, what's your question?

Caller: Well, some of my friends who have AOL say they get

something called "cybersex". Does this cost extra?

AOL: :::quiet laugh in the background::: Well ma'am... I

don't know how to explain this, but cybersex is not part of

America Online.

Caller: Oh really? My friends said they got it from AOL.

AOL: Well it's something members typically do when they go

to a chat room.

Caller: Hmmmm . . . I don't understand, what is cybersex??

AOL: I'm sorry, I really don't know how to explain it.

Caller: Hmmm . . . well, have you ever had cybersex?

AOL: Ma'am, I don't think that's an appropriate question to

be asking me. Is there anything else you need?

Caller: Sorry, like I said I don't even know what it is.

AOL: That's okay ma'am, anything else?

Caller: Yes, I have one more question.

AOL: Go ahead . . .

Caller: What are you wearing?

AOL:

An Englishman wanted to become...

An Englishman wanted to become an Irishman, so he visited a doctor to find out how to go about this. "Well" said the doctor, "this is a very delicate operation and there is a lot that can go wrong. I will have to remove half your brain". "That's OK" said the Englishman. "I've always wanted to be Irish and I'm prepared to take the risk".
The operation went ahead but the Englishman woke to find a look of horror on the face of the doctor. "I'm so terribly sorry!!" the doctor said. "Instead of removing half the brain, I've taken the whole brain out". The patient replied, "No worries, mate!!"

up, comedians, funny videos, d...

up, comedians, funny videos, dane cook, mike birbiglia, eugene mirman, demetri martin, jeff dunham, katt williams, daily joke, joke of the day, funny jokes, yo mama, jokes, redneck, blond, george bush, bush, lawyer, favorite, list, animal, college, dumb

Jesus and St Paul are in heave...

Jesus and St Paul are in heaven talking about the pollution in
the seas and rvers of the earth. The Holy Son Says he is going
down to view the situation himself 7 Paul agrees to join
him.When they get there, Jesus discovers a huge metal pipe. Paul
explains to him that it taks the waste out to sea where it kills
the sealife. Jesus then walks out to sea on top of the waves
where Paul follows underneath the surface. He keeps walking on
in amazement of jesus skill to be able to walk on water but
finally asks for some help.
"Master, I will follow you anywhere but im am up to my neck in
freezing cold shitty water and i think im going to drown.
Jesus looks at paul and says "Why don't you walk on the pipe
like me then you stupid twat?"

Good news...bad news....

The doctor took his patient into the room and said, "I have some good news and some bad news."

The patient said, "Give me the good news."

The doctor says, "They're going to name a disease after you."

Too Little, Too Late

A man arrived at the Pearly Gates, waiting to be admitted. St. Peter opened the gate and said, “I’ve been checking your file. I can’t see that you did anything really good in your life, but you never did anything bad either. I’ll tell you what—if you can tell me one really good deed that you did, I’ll admit you.”
So the man answered, “Once I was driving down the road and saw a gang of thugs attaching a poor man along the side of the road. So I pulled over, got out of my car, grabbed a tire iron, and walked straight up to the gang’s leader—a huge, ugly guy with a chain running from his nose to his ear. Undaunted, I ripped the chain out of his ear and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and, wielding my tire iron, yelled to the rest of them, “You all leave this poor man alone! Go home before I teach you a lesson you’ll never forget!”
Impressed, St. Peter asked, “Really? I can’t seem to find this in your file. When did all this happen?”
"Oh, about two minutes ago.”
This joke was reprinted from "Laugh Yourself Healthy" by Charles and Frances Hunter, with permission of Strang Communications. Copyright 2008. All rights reserved.

#joke