Jokes of the day for Friday, 16 April 2010

With recent budget cuts, Satan...

With recent budget cuts, Satan has had to cut back on regular maintenance, which has left Hades in a state of grim repair.

Reaching the end of a job inte...

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
The Engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer enquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
And the interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

Australian man: Why is your be...

Australian man: Why is your beer like having sex in a canoe? English man: Dunno, why?
Australian man: It’s fucking close to water!

Three Nickels

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy three nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up two of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
"No," the woman replied. "I'm with the IRS."

Vatican Fried Chicken

During a Papal audience, a business man approached the Pope and made this offer: Change the last line of the Lord's prayer from "Give us this day our daily bread" to "Give us this day our daily chicken," and Kentucky Fried Chicken will donate $10,000,000 to Catholic charities. The Pope declined.
Two weeks later, the man approached the Pope again - this time with a $50,000,000 offer. Again, the Pope declined. A month later, the man upped the price to $100,000,000, and this time the Pope accepted.
At a meeting of the Cardinals, the Pope announced his decision in the good news/bad news format. "The good news is: We have $100,000,000 for charities. The bad news: We lost the Wonder Bread account."

Harris Stanton: Where Tax Dollars Go

You know where they do send your taxes? They give it to prisons, so prisoners can have weights to lift. You believe that? Weve got muggers and murderers, and theyre getting stronger. So when they get parole, they can mug your ass better than they did before they went in.

Looks are deceiving...

A woman sought the advice of a sex therapist, confiding that she found it increasingly difficult to find a man who could satisfy her, and that it was very wearisome getting in and out of all these short term relationships.

"Isn't there some way to judge the size of a man's equipment from the outside?" she asked earnestly.

"The only foolproof way, is by the size of his feet" counseled the therapist.

So the woman went downtown and proceeded to cruise the streets, until she came across a young fellow standing in an unemployment line with the biggest feet she had ever laid her eyes on. She took him out to dinner, wined and dined him, and then took him back to her apartment for an evening of abandon.

When the man woke up the next morning, the woman had already gone but, by the bedside table was a $20 bill and a note that read, "With my compliments, take this money and go out and buy a pair of shoes that fit you."

Why did the blind chicken cros...

Why did the blind chicken cross the Road?

Travel On The Plane

For two solid hours, the lady sitting next to a man on an airplane had told him about her grandchildren. She had even produced a plastic-foldout photo album of all nine of the children.
She finally realized that she had dominated the entire conversation on her grandchildren.
"Oh, I've done all the talking, and I'm so sorry. I know you certainly have something to say. Please, tell me... what do you think of my grandchildren?"

Microsoft Advertisin

After first seeing Microsoft's slogan for its upcoming Windows XP operating system, "it just works", I couldn't help wondering: what were the slogans for all the previous releases? After thinking about it for a while, they became obvious.

Windows 1.0: Good joke, eh? Windows 2.0: Still funny, isn't it? Windows 286: Yeah, we're still kidding. Windows 386: Going boldly where Desqview has been for years. Windows 3.0: It's finally worth buying! Windows 3.1: It's finally worth using! Windows 95: Going boldly where the Mac has been for years. Windows 98: More usable! Less stable! Windows 98SE: More stable! Less usable! Windows ME: Less usable AND less stable! NT 1.0: Give me more hardware! NOW!!! NT 2.0: Dammit, I said MORE HARDWARE!!! NOW!!!! NT 3.0: Which part of "more hardware" do you not understand? NT 3.5: With enough hardware, I'd work. Honest. NT 4.0: Does less than Win98 with twice the hardware at one-half the speed. Windows 2K: Works almost as well as Windows 98! Honest! Windows XP: It just works.

Once upon a time there was a n...

Once upon a time there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly decided to fly south. In a short time ice began to form on his wings and he fell to Earth in a barnyard, nearly frozen solid. A cow passed by where he had fallen, and crapped on the little sparrow.The sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings!

Warm and happy, able to breath, he started to sing.

Just then a large cat came by, and hearing the chirping he investigated the sounds. The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird, and promptly ate him.

The Moral of the Story:

Everyone who craps on you is not necessarily your enemy

Everyone who gets you out of crap is not necessarily your friend.

And if you're warm and happy in a pile of crap, you might just want to keep your mouth shut.

After a long illness, a woman ...

After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the Gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her - "Hello!" "How are you! We've been waiting for you!" "Good to see you!"

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.

"Which word?" the woman asked.

"Love."

The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About six months later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.

"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.

"Which word?" her husband asked.

"Czechoslovakia."

Ron White: Death Penalty in Texas

In Texas, we have the death penalty and we use it. If you come to Texas and kill somebody, we will kill you back.

Remember how...

A couple who'd been married for over 50 years was sitting on the sofa, when the wife said, "Dear, do you remember how you used to sit close to me?"

He moved over and sat close to her.

"Dear," she continued, "do you remember how you used to hold me tight?"

He reached over and held her tight.

"And," she went on, "do you remember how you used to hug me and kiss me and nibble on my ear?"

With that, her husband got up and started to walk out of the room.

"Where are you going?" she asked.

"Well," answered the husband, "I have to get my teeth."

An old guy in his Volvo is dri...

An old guy in his Volvo is driving home from work when his wife rings him on his car phone.

"Honey", she says in a worried voice, "Be careful! There was a bit on the news just now, some lunatic is driving the wrong way down the freeway".

"It's worse than that!", he replies, "There are hundreds of them!"

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't i...

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: ; Did you actually pass the bar exam?

Once there was a girl who want...

Once there was a girl who wanted a boyfriend. Her mom wanted to help her, so she set up a blind date for her daughter.

When the girl got back from the date she said "That was the worst night of my life!"

"Why is that?" her mom asked.

"He owns a 1922 Rolls Royce!"

"Isn't that a good thing?"

"He's the original owner mom!"