Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 12 May 2010

My friend Amy gained weight by...

My friend Amy gained weight by eating her husband! They charged her with Big Amy.

“Didn’t you suspect burglars h...

“Didn’t you suspect burglars had been in the house when you saw all the drawers pulled out and the contents scattered all over the floor?” asked the policeman.
“No, I just thought my husband had been looking for a clean shirt,” replied the woman.

Whale

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

Dead Atheist

Q: What do you call a dead atheist?
A: Someone all dressed up with nowhere to go!
- Joke shared by Beliefnet member sharohio

Little Johnny is walking in th...

Little Johnny is walking in the park with his dad when he stamps on a honeybee. "Right you little sod, no honey for a month", says dad.

An hour later Little Johnny sees a butterfly and also stamps on that. "Right no butter for a month",says dad.

When they arrive home they both walk into the kitchen, just in time to see mom stamp on a cockroach.

Little Johnny looks at his dad and says,"Well are you telling her the bad news or shall I?"

Off duty....

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."

"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.

As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "I know you - aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?"

"Yeah, so?" said the officer.

"Well what the heck are you doing all dressed up like the Fire Chief?"

Medical One-liners

Anatomy - something that everybody has but somehow looks

better on a girl

Bachelor - a fellow that can take women or leave them, and

prefers to do both.

Mistress - something between a mister and a mattress

Passion - a feeling you feel when you feel you are going to

feel a feeling you have never felt before

Psychologist - a man who watches everybody else when a

pretty girl enters the room

Neurotic - a woman who likes a psychiatrist's couch better

than a double bed

Hypochondriac - a person wants to have her ache and treat it

too

Book - The Physiology of Puberty, by I.C. Morhair

Gynaecologist - a man who works and operates in another

man's field

Gynaecologist - at your cervix, madam.

Patient - I'm dilated to meet you.

John Mulaney: Loving "Law & Order"

My favorite on that show was Jerry Orbach. I loved him. Yeah -- he was the best because he always had a funny little one-liner when they found the dead body. They found a teacher lying dead in an alley, and Orbach would be like, Huh, looks like schools out. I always wanted to see an episode where he couldnt think of a clever one -- where they find a guy dead with a Mars Bar in his hand, and Orbachs like, Huh, looks like, uh, he wont be going to Mars anytime soon. Get it -- Mars Bar? Ah, screw you guys. Nine times out of 10, theyre funny.

How do you tell a kebab to be ...

How do you tell a kebab to be quiet?
Shh, kebab

Two hikers were walking throug...

Two hikers were walking through central Pennsylvania when they came upon a 6 foot wide hole in the ground. They figured it must be the opening for a vertical air shaft from an old abandoned coal mine. Curious as to the depth of the hole, the first hiker picked up a nearby rock and tossed it into the opening. They listened... and heard nothing.
The second hiker picked up an even larger rock and tossed it into the opening. They listened... and still heard nothing. Then they both picked up an old railroad tie, dragged it to the edge of the shaft, and hurled it down. Seconds later a dog came running up between the two men and jumped straight into the hole. Bewildered, the two men just looked at each other, trying to figure out why a dog would do such a thing.
Soon a young boy ambled onto the scene and asked if either man had seen a dog around here. The hikers told him about the dog that had just jumped into the hole.
The young boy laughed and said, "That couldn't be my dog. My dog was tied to a railroad tie!"

Household Physics

Laws of Household Physics
Ever notice that the laws of household physics are every bit as real as every other law in the universe? Here are a few examples:
1. A child's eagerness to assist in any project varies in inverse proportion to the ability to actually do the work involved.
2. Leftovers always expand to fill all available containers plus one.
3. A newly washed window gathers dirt at double the speed of an unwashed window.
4. The availability of a ballpoint pen is inversely proportional to how badly it is needed.
5. The same clutter that will fill a one-car garage will fill a two-car garage.
6. Three children plus two cookies equals a fight.
7. The potential for disaster is in direct proportion to the number of TV remote controls divided by the number of viewers.
8. The number of doors left open varies inversely with the outdoor temperature.
9. The capacity of any hot water heater is equal to one and one-half sibling showers.
10. What goes up must come down, except for bubble gum, kites and slightly used Rice Krispies.
11. Place two children in a room full of toys and they will both want to play with the same toy.

Three weeks after her wedding ...

Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister. "Reverend," she wailed, "John and I had a DREADFUL fight!"
"Calm down, my child," said the minister, "it's not half as bad as you think. Every marriage has to have its first fight!"
"I know, I know!" said Joanna. "But what am I going to do with the BODY?

Kiwi family arrives in Austral...

Kiwi family arrives in Australia.
Kiwi family arrives in Australia.
Son's first day at school and the father say's
"OK son what happened at school today"
"I topped the class at Math's today".
"Well son thats because your a New zealander"
Second day at school and the father say's
"what happened at school today"
"I topped class in English"
"Well son thats because your a New zealander".
Third day at school and the father say's
"What happened at school today"
"We played mini Rugby and after the game we were in the shower's and I noticed that I had a bigger wasser than all the other boys"
"Is that because I am a New zealander Dad".
"No son" the father relied "that's because your 27".

Remote control...

The clerk asked me, "Cash, check or charge?" after ringing up my purchase.

As I fumbled through my wallet, she noticed a remote control for a television set in my purse.

"Do you always carry your TV remote when you go shopping?" she asked.

"No," I replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the best way to get even with him!"

Q: What do yo...

Q: What do you call a monkey with bananas in both ears?

A: Anything you want -- he can't hear you!

barber crime

A Blonde was siting in a barber chair with headphones on.

The barber asked the blonde to take off her headphones, she

replied "No I can't". So the Barber waited for the Blonde to

fall asleep then he took off her headphones. Idmeniently she

died. During the police Investigation one of the officers

listend to the tape the blonde was listning to. This is what

he heard: "Breath in, Breath out, Breath in, breath out.....

A Crazy Person in the Woods

Q: How does a crazy person travel through the woods?
A: They take the psycho path.