Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 20 July 2010
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 20 July 2010 |
Odd Rabbi Out
"I told you I was right!" cried the rabbi, but his friends insisted that nothing had happened that could not be explained by natural causes.
The rabbi was getting ready to ask for a VERY big sign, but just as he said, "Oh God...," the sky turned pitch black, the earth shook, and a deep, booming voice intoned, "HEEEEEEEE'S RIIIIIIIGHT!"
The rabbi put his hands on his hips, turned to the other three, and said, "Well?"
"So," shrugged one of the other rabbis, "now it's 3 to 2."
Teacher: What are the three mo...
Teacher: What are the three most commonly used words of students? Student: I don't know ... Teacher: Correct!Funny video of the day - Funny video of the day Tuesday, 20 July 2010
A man appears before a judge o...
A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce. The judge quietly reviewed some papers and then said, 'please tell me why you are seeking a divorce.''Because,' the man said, 'I live in a two-story house.'
The Judge replies, 'what kind of a reason is that? What is the big deal about a two-story house?'
The man answers, 'Well Judge, one story is 'I have a headache' and the other story is 'It's that time of the month.''
Mexican bandit
The American tourist got the shock of his life when a Mexicanwith a 6 shooter jumped out from behind a cactus.
"Take my money, my car but don't kill me", said the tourist.
"I no kill you if you do what I say," said the Mexican.
"Just unzip your pants and start masturbating," he ordered.
Although shocked, the tourist did what he was told. "Right, now
do it again" said the Mexican.
The Yank protested but with the gun against his nose, he managed
again.
"And yet again, Gringo, or I shoot you dead."
With sweat running down his brow, the yank managed a final effort
and fell exhausted.
"Good" said the Mexican, "now you give my sister a ride to the
next village."
Pregnant for Two Years
"Mary, if you were a four legged animal and you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?"
"I don't know," said Mary, "but whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark."
The Eight Iron
Off the seventh tee, Joe sliced his shot deep into a wooded ravine. He took his eight iron and clambered down the embankment in search of his lost ball. After many long minutes of hacking at the underbrush, he spotted something glistening in the leaves. As he drew nearer, he discovered that it was an eight iron in hands of a skeleton!
Joe immediately called out to his friend, 'Jack, I've got trouble down here!'
'What's the matter?' Jack asked from the edge of the ravine.
'Bring me my wedge,' Joe shouted. 'You can't get out of here with an eight iron!'
Brenda, pregnant with her firs...
Brenda, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to her obstetrician's office. When the exam was over, she shyly began, "My husband wants me to ask you..." "I know, I know," the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder, "I get asked this all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy."
"No, that's not it at all," Brenda confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."
A Prisoner's Last Request
Two men, sentenced to die on the same day, were led down to the room where the electric chair was. The priest had given them last rites, the formal speech had been given by the warden, and a final prayer had been said among the participants. The warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked, "Son, do you have a last request?"The man replied, "Yes sir, I do. I love dance music. Could you please play the Macarena for me one last time?" "Certainly," replied the warden.He turned to the other man and asked, "Well, what about you, son? What is your final request?" "Please," said the condemned man, "Kill me first." 
After the Office Party
John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonising the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."
"He's an asshole," John said. "Piss on him."
"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."
"Well, screw him!" said John.
"I did. You're back at work on Monday.
When We Were First Married
One night at the dinner table, the wife commented, 'When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. Now you take the large one and leave me the smaller.
Don't love me anymore?'
'Nonsense, darling,' replied the husband, 'you just cook better now.'
The photographer for a nationa...
The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of an enormous forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane. "It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor.
As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.
"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes."
"Why?" asked the pilot.
"Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation and impatience.
After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?"
First time
A pretty young blonde visiting her new doctor for the first time found herself alone in a small waiting room. She began undressing nervously, preparing herself for the upcoming examination. Just as she draped the last of her garments over the back of a chair, a light rap sounded on the door and a young doctor strode in.
Coming to an abrupt halt, the doctor looked his nude patient up and down carefully and with considerable appreciation.
"Miss Smith," he said finally, "it seems quite obvious to me that until today you have never undergone an eye examination."
Change
Don't change so people will like you. Be yourself and the right people will love the real you. Unless you are an asshole. Then you should change.