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Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 23 November 2010

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 23 November 2010

Oil

There are a lot of folks who can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in America.
Well, there's a very simple answer.
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
We just didn't know we were getting low.
The reason for that is purely geographical.
All our oil is in Alaska, Texas, California, and Oklahoma.
All our dipsticks are in Washington, DC.
#joke
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (5)

In a bizarre experiment to cur...

In a bizarre experiment to cure drug addicts, they fed them stimulants that made them feel obese and cranky, aka amfatandmeans.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 1.83/10

Rating: 1.8/10 (6)

Once upon a time there was a f...

Once upon a time there was a famous sea captain. This captain was very successful at what he did; for years he guided merchant ships all over the world. Never did stormy seas or pirates get the best of him. He was admired by his crew and fellow captains. However, there was one thing different about this captain. Every morning he went through a strange ritual. He would lock himself in his quarters and open a small safe. In the safe was an envelope with a piece of paper inside. He would stare at the paper for a minute, and then lock it back up. Afterwards, he would go about his daily duties. For years this went on, and his crew became very curious. Was it a treasure map? Was it a letter from a long lost love? Everyone speculated about the contents of the strange envelope.
One day the captain died at sea. After laying the captain's body to rest, the first mate led the entire crew into the captain’s quarters. He opened the safe, got the envelope, and opened it and... The first mate turned pale and showed the paper to the others. Four words were on the paper; two lines with two words each:
Port Left
Starboard Right

#joke
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 5.60/10

Rating: 5.6/10 (5)

Funny Photo of the day - Fly, Yes. Land, No.

Fly, Yes. Land, No. | Source : There I fixed it - photos of ur handiwork!
  • Currently 3.40/10

Rating: 3.4/10 (5)

Disappearing diner

A man and a beautiful woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away suddenly noticed that the man was slowing sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table." The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No he didn't. My husband just walked in the door."

#joke #food #dinner
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 7.50/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (16)

Doctor Doctor Collection 05


Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a snake about to shed it's skin.
Why don't you go behind the screen and slip into something more comfortable then!
Doctor: You need new glasses
Patient: How do you know?, I haven't told you whats wrong with me yet
Doctor: I could tell as soon as you walked in through the window!
Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a snail
Don't worry we'll soon have you out of your shell!
Doctor, Doctor I feel like an apple.
We must get to the core of this!
Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a butterfly
Will you say what you mean and stop flitting about!
Doctor, Doctor I'm boiling up!
Just simmer down!
Doctor, Doctor I think I'm an adder
Great, can you help me with my accounts then please!

#joke #doctor #animal #snake #snail #butterfly #fruit #apple
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 4.89/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (9)

Bee Between Legs

A young couple went to a nude beach on a sunny day. They got rid of all their clothes and lay down.

Suddenly a bee flew into the woman's vagina, and as you all might guess it wasn't very pleasant!

So,they rushed to the nearest hospital where the local Doc tries to solve the problem. He suggested putting honey on the young man's penis and see if he could tempt the bee out.

But the young man didn't like the idea very much, so the Doc volunteered to do it in his place. The Doc had been trying to get the bee out for 5 min, amid much puffing and panting when the young man asked, "Why's it taking so long, Doc?"

The Doc replied "I've changed my mind! I've decided to drown the bugger instead!"

#joke #animal #bee #food #honey
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 5.67/10

Rating: 5.7/10 (9)

A barber gave a haircut to a p...

A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, 'you do God’s work.' The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.

A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused pay, saying, 'you protect the public.' The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.

A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, 'you serve the justice system.' The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a free haircut.
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 11 August 2010
  • Currently 6.00/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (8)

A Texan farmer goes to Austral...

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation.
There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking.
The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have
wheat fields that are at least twice as large."

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his
herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at
least twice as large as your cows."

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of
kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those?"

The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any
grasshoppers in Texas?"

#joke #animal #kangaroo #cow
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 17 January 2010
  • Currently 4.20/10

Rating: 4.2/10 (10)

It's wise to remember how easi...

It's wise to remember how easily this wonderful technology canbe misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.
Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filledstreets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on abusiness trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife aquicke-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he hadwritten her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in frommemory.
Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directedinstead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passedaway only the day before. When the grieving widow checked here-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercingscream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this noteon the screen:
Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrivaltomorrow.
PS. Sure is hot down here.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 14 December 2009
  • Currently 5.11/10

Rating: 5.1/10 (66)

We noticed that all the waiter...

We noticed that all the waiters in this New York restaurant carried two spoons in their vest pocket. Naturally, we were curious. We asked a waiter why.
'Sir, as a result of an efficiency study by the management, it was determined that the most frequently dropped silverware item was a spoon. Therefore, all the waiters carry two spoons so that the item can be instantly replaced.' As he was explaining that we noticed a string hanging out of the fly of his pants. So, we asked about that.
'Sir, that's another efficiency study result. When we have to go to the bathroom, we use the string to pull ourselves out and aim. Therefore, we do not have to stop to wash our hands.' We replied, 'I understand how you can get yourself out and aim, but how do you get yourself back in.' 'Well,' replied the waiter, 'I don't know about the other guys, but I use the two spoons!'
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 23 November 2009
  • Currently 5.76/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (78)

This young man was elated when...

This young man was elated when he turned eighteen in a state where curfew is 11:00 p.m. for any one under seventeen years of age. He told his Dad how happy he was that now he could stay out until 3:00 a.m. if he wanted. “Yes you can stay out as late as you want, but the car is under seventeen and it has to be in the garage by eleven.” His father said.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 23 November 2009
  • Currently 5.36/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (14)

Thanksgiving Blessings

All the grandkids were visiting for Thanksgiving. Before dinner, Grandma made a lengthy speech about being thankful for her extra-special blessings, her four grandchildren.
Two seconds after she stopped speaking, all hell broke loose and the kids were yelling and grabbing for the home-made rolls.Grandma sat there, eyes closed with a tight squint on her face.
When asked what was the matter, she replied, "I'm just praying for a little patience to handle all these blessings."

#joke #thanksgiving #food #dinner
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 23 November 2009
  • Currently 7.45/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (11)

A drunk at the bar...

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears he has already had plenty to drink and that he could not be served additional liquor. The bartender offers to call a cab for him.

The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down from the bar stool and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and - still politely if not more firmly - refuses service to the man and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is drunk and will be served no drinks. He then tells him that he can either call a cab or the police immediately.

The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish cries, "Man! How many bars do you work at?"

Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 23 November 2008
  • Currently 5.25/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (8)

The Bear

Two campers where hiking in the forest when all of a sudden a bear jumps out of a bush and starts chasing them.
Both campers start running for their lives when one of them stops and starts to put on his running shoes.
His partner says, "What are you doing? You can't outrun a bear!"
His friend replies, "I don't have to outrun the bear, I only have to outrun you!"
#joke #animal #bear #sport #hiking
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 23 November 2009
  • Currently 5.67/10

Rating: 5.7/10 (6)

Jokes about Mexicans to celebrate Cinco de Mayo

Cinco de Mayo, (Spanish: “Fifth of May”), also called Anniversary of the Battle of Puebla is holiday celebrated in parts of Mexico and the United States

What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe?
Roberto!

What do you call a Mexican with a lowered car?
Carlos!

What do you call a Mexican drowning in mayonnaise?
Sinko De Mayo.

What do you call 4 Mexicans in quicksand?
Cuatro, sink-o.

What do you call a mexican with a bottle of vermouth?
A dry Martinez.

What do you get when you cross Speedy Gonzales with a country singer?
Arriba McEntire.

What do you call two mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan.

Why do Mexicans never cross the border in groups of three?
Because there is no tres-passing.

Why did the Mexican sign up for Tinder?
For a Juan night stand.

What do you call a Mexican jedi apprentice?
Pada Juan.

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 8.25/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (8)

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