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Jokes of the day for Monday, 14 February 2011

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 14 February 2011

We only do portmanteau puns on Valentine's Day. Because love is blend.
#joke #short

Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

A young executive was leaving ...

A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work for me?"
"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO, as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy..."
#joke
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 6.40/10

Rating: 6.4/10 (5)

Blonde Sayings

I think that 'Clueless' was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think lightness has to come from a very deep place if it's true lightness."
Alicia Silverstone
"Once someone asked me three words that best describe me and I said 'Loud, Louder, and Loudest.'"
Anastacia
"I am beautiful, famous and gorgeous. I could have any man in the world."
Anna Kournikova
"He wanted to make me happy. My wish was his command."
Anna Nicole Smith
"Doesn't that hurt?" (on suicide bombers)
Anna Nicole Smith
"I'm not crazy, but it's a crazy life. I was raised in a crazy family and it took 31 years to get the crazy out of me."
Anne Heche
"What's so beautiful about breasts is their uniqueness. I don't understand the obsession with fakeness. It's a very odd thing, isn't it, to prefer fake and big to small and unique or just beautiful and real."
Anne Heche
"I trip and I burp and I fart, like everybody else."
Britney Spears
"I don't believe in sex before marriage. I go out with boys, and we kiss, but that's it."
Britney Spears
"I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada."
Britney Spears
#joke #blonde
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 5.29/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (17)

Funny Photo of the day - Ride In 70s Style

Ride In 70s Style | Source : This is Photobomb - Photojackers of the World Unite!
  • Currently 4.86/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (7)

Three Policemen at the Pearly Gates

Three police officers were standing in line at the Pearly Gates.
Saint Peter asked the first officer, “What did you do with your life?”
“I was a police officer,” he responded.
“What kind of police officer?” Saint Peter asked.
“I was a vice officer. I kept drugs off the streets and out of the hands of kids.”
“Welcome to heaven. You may end the gates.”
He asked the second man what he did as a police officer.
“I was a traffic officer,” said the man. “I kept the roads and highways safe.”
“Welcome to heaven. You may enter the gates.”
He asked the third man what he did as a police officer.
“I was a military policeman, sir,” replied the man.
“Wonderful! I’ve been waiting for you all day!” replied Saint Peter. “I need to take a break! Watch the gate, will you?”
From "The Book of Church Jokes," published by Barbour Publishing, Inc., Uhrichsville, Ohio. Copyright 2009. Used by permission of Barbour Publishing, Inc.

#joke #policeman
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 4.33/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (6)

After a series of disastrous h...

After a series of disastrous holes, the strictly amateur golfer in an effort to smother his rage laughed hollowly and said to his caddie:

"This golf is a funny game."

"It's not supposed to be," said the boy gravely.
#joke #short #sport #golf #golfer
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Used to be Joke rating machine, but this site is dead
  • Currently 6.00/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (5)

The juggler...

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. "What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?" asks the cop.

"I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act."

"Oh yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Lets see you do it." The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.

A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the driver to his wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!"

#joke #policeman
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 7.00/10

Rating: 7.0/10 (8)

Lightbulb Joke Collection 11


Q: How many field service engineers does it take to replace a dead light bulb?
A: Who can tell. Field service engineers are always in the dark.
Q: How many field service engineers does it take to replace a dead light bulb?
A: None. They just have marketing portray the dead bulb as a feature.
Q: How many field service engineers does it take to replace a dead light bulb?
A: 2. One to hold the bulb and one to pound it in (etc)
Q: How many field service engineers does it take to replace a dead light bulb?
A: Well, the diagnostics all check out fine, so it's a software problem.
Q: How many field service engineers does it take to replace a dead light bulb?
A: None: "We'll fix it in software."
Q: How long will it take?
A: That's indeterminate. It depends on how many dead bulbs they've brought with them.

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (4)

Amusing Humor about the Irish

O'Toole volunteered to take care of his numerous children so that Mom could have an evening out. At bedtime he sent the youngsters upstairs to bed and settled down to read. One child kept creeping down the stairs, but O'Toole kept sending him back up.

At 10 o'clock the doorbell rang. It was the next door neighbor, Mrs. O'Brien. She asked if her son was there and O'Toole said no. Just then a little head appeared over the banister and a voice shouted. "I'm here Mom, but he won't let me go home."

"And how much of that stack of hay did you steal, Kavanaugh?" the priest asked at confession.

"I might as well confess to the whole stack, your Reverence," said Kavanaugh. "I'm goin' after the rest of it tonight!"

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 4.83/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (6)

Demetri Martin: Exit Only

I saw a sign on this door; it said, Exit Only. So, I entered it and went up to the guy working there, and I was like, I have some good news. You have severely underestimated this door over here by, like, 100%, man.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 4.56/10

Rating: 4.6/10 (71)

A motorist caught by a speed c...

A motorist caught by a speed camera received notification of a fine in the mail, plus a picture of his vehicle. Duly impressed, he sent back the notification along with a photo of a $100 note to pay the fine.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 10 April 2010
  • Currently 5.59/10

Rating: 5.6/10 (34)

At NC State University, the...

At NC State University, there were four sophomores taking Organic Chemistry.

They did so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc., that each had an "A" so far for the semester.

These four friends were so confident, that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to the University of Virginia and party with some friends there. They had a great time. However, after all the hardy-partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Raleigh until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it.

They explained that they had gone to UVA for the weekend with the plan to return Sunday to study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldnÂ’t get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final. The Professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, worth 5 points. It was something simple about free radical formation. "Cool," they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room, "this is going to be easy." Each finished the problem and then turned the page. On the second page was written: For 95 points: Which tire?

#joke #monday
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 11 December 2009
  • Currently 6.85/10

Rating: 6.8/10 (53)

Procrastination

My mother said, "You won't amount to anything because you procrastinate." I said, "Just wait."

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 14 February 2009
  • Currently 6.79/10

Rating: 6.8/10 (29)

University Courses For Men And Women


Whatsamatta University's Seminars For Men Fall Catalogue


Once again, the female staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for men of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is required.
1. Combatting Stupidity
2. You Too Can Do Housework
3. Resistance to Beer
4. How To Properly Fill An Ice Tray
5. We Do Not Want Sleazy Underwear For Christmas (Give Us Credit Cards)
6. Understanding The Female Response To Coming Home Drunk At 4:00am
7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques (also called "Don't Wash My Silks")
9. Get A Life - Learn To Cook
10. How Not To Act Like An Idiot When You Are Obviously Wrong
11. Spelling - Even You Can Get It Right
12. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence
13. You, The Weaker Sex
14. Reasons To Give Flowers
15. Garbage - Getting It To The Curb
16. You Cannot Always Wear Whatever You Please
17. How To Put Down A Toilet Seat
18. Give Me A Break - Why We Know Your Excuses Are Lies
19. How To Go Shopping With Your Mate Without Getting Lost
20. The Remote Control - Overcoming Your Dependency
21. Helpful Posture Hints For Couch Potatoes
22. Mother-in-Laws Are People Too
23. The Weekend And Sports Are Not Synonymous
24. How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children
25. You Too Can Be A Designated Driver
26. Male Bonding: Leave Your Friends At Home
27. Attainable Goal - Omitting Foul Expletives From Vocabulary
28. You Don't Really Need That Porsche

Whatsamatta University's Seminars For Women Fall Catalogue


Once again, the male staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for women of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is required.
1. Combatting The Impulse To Nag
2. You Can Change The Oil Too
4. How To Properly Fill A Beer Mug
5. We Do Not Want Ties For Christmas
6. Understanding The Female Causes Of Male Drunkenness
7. How To Do All Your Laundry In One Load And Have More Time To Watch Football
8. Parenting - Your Husband Gave You Children So You Could Have Someone Other Than Him To Boss Around
9. How To Encourage Your Husband To Cook More And Be Able To Stomach His Slop
10. How Not To Sob Like A Sponge When Your Husband Is Right
11. Get A Life - Learn To Kill Spiders Yourself
12. Balancing A Checkbook - Even You Can Get It Right
13. Comprehending Credit Card Spending Limits And Financial Responsibility
14. You, The Whining Sex
15. Shopping - Doing It In Less Than 16 Hours
16. If You Want To Know How That Looks On You, Ask Your Mother
17. How To Close The Garage Door
18. If You Don't Want An Excuse, Don't Demand An Explanation
19. How To Go Fishing With Your Mate And Not Catch Pneumonia
20. Living Without Power Windows - How To Turn A Crank
21. Romanticism - The Whole Point Of Caviar, Candles, And Conversation
22. How To Retain Your Composure While Your Husband Is Relaxing By Himself
23. Why You Don't Need To Invite Your Mother Over Every Weekend
24. Payday And Shopping Are Not Synonymous
25. How To Act Younger Than Your Mother
26. You Too Can Carry A Backpack
27. Female Friendship - Why Your Best Friends Are Not The Women Who Complain About You The Most
28. Learning To Appreciate The Beer Belly And Lard Butt Morphologies Of Men
29. Attainable Goal - Catching A Ball Before It Stops Moving
30. How To Close The Top On The Toothpaste

#joke #christmas #drinks #beer #sport #football #fishing
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 14 February 2010
  • Currently 6.32/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (22)

A guy walks into a bar and dem...

A guy walks into a bar and demands to know "Who's the strongest in here?"
The toughest guy looks at him and says "I am the strongest around here!"
The other guy politely asks "Can you help me push my car to the gas station?"
#joke #short #walksintoabar
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 14 February 2009
  • Currently 4.20/10

Rating: 4.2/10 (10)

Man: Excuse me Miss, but were ...

Man: Excuse me Miss, but were you born in Tennessee?
Woman: No, why?
Man: Because your the only ten-I-see!
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 14 February 2010
  • Currently 4.86/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (7)

My kids love going to the Web,...

My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.

I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and asked why it was so long.

"Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 14 February 2009
  • Currently 4.00/10

Rating: 4.0/10 (6)

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