Jokes of the day for Friday, 11 March 2011
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 11 March 2011 |
Are really big people measured...
Are really big people measured with a meatier stick?A tour bus driver drives with ...
A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down a highway, when a little old lady taps him on his shoulder. She offers him a handful of almonds, which he gratefully munches up.After approx.15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of almonds. She repeats this gesture about eight times.
At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they don't eat the almonds themselves, whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them. "Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled. Whereupon the old lady Answers, "We just love the chocolate around them."
Medical Research
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Life before computers...
An application was for employmentA program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano!
Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy
You hoped nobody found out!
Compress was something you did to garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for awhile!
Log on was adding wood to a fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode!
Cut - you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu!
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead!
Knock Knock Collection 167
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Soup!
Soup who?
Superman!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Snow!
Snow who?
Snow use, I've forgotten my key again!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Spain!
Spain who?
Spain to have to keep knocking on this door!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Spider!
Spider who?
Spider what everyone says. I like you!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Spillane!
Spillana who?
Spillane that Knock Knock joke!
The Crashing Plane
An Englishman, an American, a German and a Jew are on aplane. The plane has too many people on it and it's beginning
to sink.
The Englishman says, "This is for you Tony Blair" and jumps
off.
The American says, "This is for you Bill Clinton" and jumps
off.
Then the German says "This is for you Hitler" and throws the
Jew off the plane.
Jack Bauer was once challenged...
Jack Bauer was once challenged to a fight by the flagpole when he was in elementary school. When the kid showed up, Jack Bauer was nowhere to be found. Instead he found a heap of burning bodies that were later identified to be the boy's parents.A magician was working on a cr...
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician does in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show: Look, it's not the same hat. Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table! Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was the captain's parrot after all. One day the ship had an accident and sunk. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, with the parrot of course. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day, and another, and another.
After a week the parrot finally said: OK. I give up. What'd you do with the boat ?
Did you hear about the new Chi...
Did you hear about the new Chinese Cookbook being sold only at pet stores?"101 Ways to Wok Your Dog"
A Rare Book
A collector of rare books ran into an acquaintance who told him he had just thrown away an old Bible that he found in a dusty, old box. He happened to mention that Guten-somebody-or-other had printed it.
"Not Gutenberg?" Gasped the collector.
"Yes, that was it!""You idiot! You've thrown away one of the first books ever printed. A copy recently sold at an auction for half a million dollars!"
"Oh, I don't think this book would have been worth anything close to that much," replied the man. "It was scribbled all over in the margins by some guy named Martin Luther."
Nuns on the Highway
A cop pulls over a car full of nuns. The cop says, “Sister, the speed limit on this highway is 55 mph. Why are you going so slow?”
Sister replies, “I saw a lot of signs that said 41, not 55.”
The copy says, “Sister, that’s the name of the highway, not the speed limit.”
“Silly me,” the embarrassed nun says. “Thanks for letting me know. I’ll be more careful.”
But then the copy glances in the back seat where the other nuns are quaking with fear. He asks, “Excuse me, Sister, what’s wrong with your friends?”
Sister says, “Oh, we just got off Highway 101.”
One morning the phone rang at ...
One morning the phone rang at 3:00 a.m. in Jeff's house. He picked up the phone and a woman asked, "Is this 555-1111?""No, this is 555-1112." Jeff replied.
"Oh, I'm so sorry for disturbing you." The woman said.
"That's alright," Jeff said. "I had to get up to answer the phone anyway."
Demetri Martin: Stutter
One of my friends has a stutter, and a lot of people think thats a bad thing, but to me thats just like starting certain words with a drum roll. Thats not an impediment, thats suspense. Chapter 11
"The job notice posted at the University placement office advertised for someone to set up a bookkeeping system for a local dinner theater that was filing for bankruptcy.
When an eager first-year accounting student inquired, the interviewer told him that the company needed an advanced student capable of handling Chapter 11 proceedings.
"I'm sure I could do it," the student proclaimed confidently. "My class is already up to chapter fourteen."
