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Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 30 March 2011

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Wednesday, 30 March 2011

Wedding Preparation

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Devon, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a chemists. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: “Are you the owner?”
The chemist answers, “Yes.”

Jacob: “We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?”
Chemist: “Of course we do.”

Jacob: “Medicine for rheumatism?”
Chemist: “Definitely.”

Jacob: “Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer's?”
Chemist: “Yes, a large variety. The works.”

Jacob: “What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?”
Chemist: “Absolutely.”

Jacob: “Everything for heartburn and indigestion?”
Chemist: “We sure do.”

Jacob: “You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?”
Chemist: “All speeds and sizes.”

Jacob: “In that case, we'd like to use this store for our wedding presents list.”

#joke #wedding
Joke | Source: everything zoomer - EverythingZoomer.com is the lifestyle site for the discriminating
  • Currently 5.46/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (13)

The man who performed his firs...

The man who performed his first prostate exam on an Irishman felt deeply a Seamus.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 6.11/10

Rating: 6.1/10 (9)

Sitting at the bar, sad Rob to...

Sitting at the bar, sad Rob told the bartender that he was drinking to forget the heartbreak of his broken engagement. “Yeah,” said Rob, “would you marry someone who didn’t know the meaning of the word faithful, and who was flip and even vicious when the subject of fidelity came up?” “ No way in hell” said the bartender.
“Well, said Rob, “neither would my fiancée.”
#joke
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 5.86/10

Rating: 5.9/10 (7)

Funny Photo of the day - Art at it’s Finest

Art at it’s Finest | Source : Jokes photos - Used to be - WTF Pictures and WTF videos - but site no longer exists
  • Currently 2.80/10

Rating: 2.8/10 (5)

Marine Biology

Marine biology researchers have developed a new method to fend off shark attacks. If you are diving and are approached by a shark they recommend that you swim towards it aggressively and punch it on the nose as hard as possible."
"If this doesn't work, beat the shark with your stump."
#joke #short #animal #shark #sport #diving
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

Bill Gates died in a car accid...

Bill Gates died in a car accident. He found himself in Purgatory being sized up by God...

"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world, and yet you created that ghastly Windows. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!"

Bill replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?"

God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help you make a decision."

"Fine, but where should I go first?"

God said, "I'm going to leave that up to you."

Bill said, "OK, then, let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell.

It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining, the temperature was perfect.

Bill was very pleased. "This is great!" he told God.

"If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!"

"Fine," said God and off they went. Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice but not as enticing as Hell.

Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision. "Hmm, I think I prefer Hell," he told God."

"Fine," retorted God, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell.

When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons.

"How's everything going, Bill?" God asked.

Bill responded - his voice full of anguish and disappointment, "This is awful, this is not what I expected. I can't believe this happened. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?"

God says, "That was just the screen saver."
#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Used to be Joke rating machine, but this site is dead
  • Currently 5.83/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (36)

Jack Whitehall: Looking Down on Us

If my dad could see me up here now hed be very impressed. But you know, Im sure wherever my dad is now, he would be looking down on us. Hes not dead just very condescending.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 3.60/10

Rating: 3.6/10 (5)

What kind of car was he driving?

A man was annoyed when his wife told him that a car had backed into her, damaging a fender, and that she hadn’t gotten the license number. “What kind of car was he driving?” the husband asked.

“I don’t know,” she said. “I never can tell one car from another.”

At that, the man decided the time had come for a learning course, and for the next few days, whenever they were driving, he made her name each car they passed until he was satisfied that she could recognize every make.

It worked.

About a week later she bounded in with a pleased expression on her face. “Darling,” she said. “I hit a Buick!”

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 6.20/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (30)

The Hollywood Hotel


The Top 10 Floor Plans for the Planet Hollywood Movie Hotel

  1. "Scream" suite which becomes vacant quickly.
  2. Hotel pool never gets used due to menacing music and one lone fin circling at all times.
  3. Marv Albert has reservations for "The Crying Game" floor.
  4. More suicide jump precautions on the Pauly Shore floor than anywhere else.
  5. No one takes a shower on the "Psycho" floor
  6. Pee-Wee Herman as a tour guide...YIKES
  7. No buttons on the elevator to the Star Wars floor...just use the Force.
  8. Room service involves Shannon Tweed and George Clooney.
  9. Wake up call on Stallone floor is "Yo, Adrian!"
  10. "Showgirls" floor booked until 2010..by Congress.


#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 4.44/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (9)

Ebonic Lords Prayer

Big Daddy's Rap - The Lord's Prayer

Yo, Bid Daddy upstairs, - Our Father, who art in heaven

You be chillin - Hallowed be thy name

So be yo hood - Thy Kingdom come

You be sayin' it, I be doin' it - Thy will be done

In this here hood and yo's - On earth as it is in heaven

Gimme some eats - Give us this day our daily bread

And cut me some slack, Blood - And forgive us our trespasses

Sos I be doin' it to dem dat diss me - As we forgive those who trespass against us

Don't be pushing me into no jive - And lead us not into temptation

and keep dem Crips away - But deliver us from evil

'Cause you always be da Man - For thine is the Kingdom, the power and the glory, forever and ever.

aiight

#joke #food #bread
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 3.44/10

Rating: 3.4/10 (9)

Persevere!

A young pastor was sitting in a restaurant eating lunch. He opened a letter he’d just received that morning from his mom. As he opened it a twenty-dollar bill fell out. He thought to himself, Thanks, Mom, I sure needed that right now.
As he finished his feel, he noticed a beggar outside on the sidewalk leaning against the light post. Thinking that the poor man could probably use the twenty dollars more than he, he crossed out the names on the envelope and wrote across the top in large letters, PERSEVERE!
So as not to make a scene, he put the envelope under his arm and dropped it as he walked past the man. The man picked it up and read the message and smiled.
The next day, as the pastor enjoyed his meal, the same man tapped him on the shoulder and handed him a big wad of bills. Surprised, the young pastor asked him what that was for. The man replied, “This is your half of the winnings. Persevere came in first in the fourth race at the track yesterday and paid thirty to one.”
From "The Book of Church Jokes," published by Barbour Publishing, Inc., Uhrichsville, Ohio. Copyright 2009. Used by permission of Barbour Publishing, Inc.

#joke #food #lunch #meal #eating
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 25 March 2010
  • Currently 5.69/10

Rating: 5.7/10 (13)

Q. Why is it so hard for women...

Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
A. Because those men already have boyfriends.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 30 October 2009
  • Currently 5.63/10

Rating: 5.6/10 (71)

A hunter kills a deer and brin...

A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean it, prepare it, and serve the deer meat for dinner. He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won't eat it if they know what it is, so he doesn't tell them.
His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for dinner dad?"
"You'll see", he replies.
They start eating dinner and his daughter keeps asking him what they are eating.
"Ok", says her dad, "Here's a hint. It's what your mother sometimes calls me."
His daughter screams ... "Don't eat it, Jimmy! ... It's a fucking asshole ..."
#joke #animal #deer #food #dinner #meat #eating
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 18 July 2009
  • Currently 4.50/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (8)

Do You Reject the Devil?

A priest came to a dying author to read him his last rites.
"Do you reject the devil?" asked the priest.
"This is no time to be making enemies," replied the author.

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 30 March 2009
  • Currently 4.95/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (41)

An 85-year-old widow went on a...

An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man.
When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset.
"What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.
"I had to slap his face three times!"
"You mean he got fresh?"
"No," she answered. "I thought he was dead!"
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 30 March 2010
  • Currently 4.80/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (10)

Baldness...

Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning and got to thinking about things.

"Mommy, why has daddy got so few hairs on his head?" he asked his mother.

"He thinks a lot," replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a good answer to her husband's baldness.

Johnny thought for a second and said, "I'm glad you don't do any thinking. You would look silly without hair."

#joke #food #breakfast #eating
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 30 March 2009
  • Currently 3.89/10

Rating: 3.9/10 (9)

The seven dwarfs went off to w...

The seven dwarfs went off to work in the mine one day, while Snow White stayed at home to do the housework and cook their lunch.
However when she went to the mine to deliver their lunches, she found there had been a cave-in, and there was no sign of the dwarfs.
Tearfully she yelled in to the mine entrance: "hello - is anyone there. Can anyone hear me".
A voice floated up from the bowels of the mine:
" Australia will win the Rugby World Cup"
"Thank god" said Snow White "at least Dopey's still alive"
#joke #food #lunch #sport #rugby
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 30 March 2009
  • Currently 5.63/10

Rating: 5.6/10 (8)

Dad: Junior, how did you get y...

Dad: Junior, how did you get your clothes ripped? Son: I was trying to stop a boy from getting beat up. Dad: Oh? What boy? Son: Me!
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 30 March 2009
  • Currently 6.29/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (7)

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