Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 19 April 2011
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 19 April 2011 |
The Trouser Snake
=> NAME: *Expecteria Trouserius* (Trouser Snake) => LOCATION: Throughout the world=> DESCRIPTION: One-eyed, with mushroom-shaped head (other types come with extra layers of skin) Varying from pink to black. Fang-less with a highly venomous spit. (Spit can reach distances up to 2-3 feet) *Size varies from 3 to 12 inches, depending on its mood & sub-species.
=> SYMPTOMS: This snake attacks mainly women in the lower front abdomen, resulting in an inconspicuous bump. Then a severe swelling followed by excruciating pain after nine months. The attack is not usually fatal. Beware: It has been known to attack men in the rear lower abdomen!
=> HABITAT: Usually found in bedrooms, but has been known to appear in the most unusual places.
=> ANTIDOTE: Various types of vaccine available for women. However, once the venom is injected into the body only drastic measures will ensure complete recovery. There is no known antidote for men.
=> WHAT TO DO WHEN ATTACKED
TOURNIQUET: Do not apply a tourniquet as the venom is too deep in the body to be affected.
CUTTING THE WOUND: This would be completely unnecessary and ineffective as the bleeding will stop after a few weeks anyhow.
SUCKING THE WOUND: This method is the most popular with the victim, but so far has not been reported to have led to any success.
=> CONCLUSION: This snake, although it is very aggressive and active, is not necessarily a vermin, and treated with the right respect, makes a wonderful pet.
Chuck Norris invented Kentucky...
Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.Playing house
A little girl and a little boy were at day care. The girl approaches the boy and says, “Hey Tommy, wanna play house?”
He says, “Sure! What do you want me to do?”
The girl replies, “I want you to communicate your thoughts.”
“Communicate my thoughts?” said a bewildered Tommy. “I have no idea what that means.”
The little girl smirks and says, “Perfect. You can be the husband.”
Funny video of the day - Funny videos compilation
Science has shown that a hungr...
Science has shown that a hungry man can make a sandwich disappear through a physical process of phase transition, aka sub elimination.Three drunks hailed a taxi. Th...
Three drunks hailed a taxi. The taxi driver seeing that they were so wasted when they got in, he just switched on the engine and switched it off, and said we are here. The 1st guy gave him money, 2nd guy said thanks, but the 3rd guy slapped him. The taxi driver was stunned because he was hoping that none of them would have realized the car didn't move an inch. So what was that for, he asked. Control your speed next time, you almost killed us.Hospital
A redhead, brunette, and blonde are all in the hospital waiting to give birth.The redhead turns to the brunette and says, " I was on top so im going to have a girl"
The brunette looks at the redhead and says " Well i was on the bottom so i'm going to have a boy".
All of a sudden they both hear snifflin, and turn to look at the blonde and she is crying and bawling her eyes out, and they say " Whats the matter honey?"
The blonde says with a sad face " I'm gonna have puppy's!!"
A Very Minor Sin
A famous professor of surgery died and went to heaven. At the pearly gates he was asked by the gatekeeper, "Have you ever committed a sin you truly regret?""Yes," the professor answered. "When I was a young candidate at the Hospital of Saint Lucas, we played soccer against a team from the Community Hospital, and I scored a goal, which was off-side. But the referee did not see it, and the goal won us the match. I regret that now."
"Well," said the gatekeeper. "That is a very minor sin. You may enter."
"Thank you very much, Saint Peter," the professor answered.
"You're welcome, but I am not Saint Peter," said the gatekeeper. "He is having his lunch break. I am Saint Lucas."
Gotta give something up...
An eighty-year-old man was having an annual physical. As the doctor was listening to his heart with the stethoscope, he began muttering, "Oh oh!"
The man asked the doctor, "What's the problem?"
"Well," said the doc, "you have a serious heart murmur. Do you smoke?"
"No," replied the man.
"Do you drink in excess?"
"No." replied the man.
"Do you have a sex life?"
"Yes, I do!"
"Well," said the doc, "I'm afraid with this heart murmur, you'll have to give up half your sex life.
"Looking perplexed, the old man said, "Which half - the looking or the thinking?"
A mother was working in the ki...
A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5-year-old son playing with his new Christmas electric train in the living room by the tree. She heard the train stop and her son saying,"All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now...cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train...cause we're going down the tracks."
The horrified mother went in and told her son,
"We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train...but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say...
"All passengers, please remember your things, thank you and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She heard her little darling continue...
"For those of you just boarding, remember, there is no smoking in the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen..."
Tony Rock: Whole Other Level
Heres a tip for all the weed smokers in the room. If youre going to smoke, always smoke with your fat friends -- the fatter the better. Cause your fat friends will take the munchies to a whole other level. Your fat friends are like, Damn, potato chips? Im gonna go bake a cake. A chicken and an egg are lying...
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face.
The egg is frowning and looking a bit pissed off.
The egg mutters, to no one in particular, "Well, I guess we answered THAT question!"
I feel like my body has gotten...
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,So I got my doctor's permission to
Join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But,
By the time I got my leotards on,
The class was over.
Lightbulb Joke Collection 45
Q: How many veterinarians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to change the bulb and two more to complain that an MD makes ten times as much for the same procedure!!
Q: How many dentists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to administer the anaesthetic, one to extract the lightbulb, and one to offer the socket some vile pink mouthwash.
Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: That depends on whether it has health insurance.
Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.
Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. They just tell it to take two asprin and come round to the surgery later.
Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. They only sign the death certificate and phone the mortuary.
Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. They would diagnose depression and prescribe benzo diazapines.
Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Nurse!
A trip to the dentist...
A woman phoned her dentist when she received a huge bill.
"I'm shocked!" she complained.
"This is three times what you normally charge."
"Yes, I know," said the dentist. "But you screamed so loudly, you scared away two other patients."
Bret Ernst: Blame America
Everybody likes to blame America for everything. What are we, only 233 years old? These other countries are thousands of years old. Not only did they not get it right, but a lot of times they screw up and ask us for help. Thats like a 90-year-old man asking a two-year-old for advice. Biblical Puns
Q: What was the secret of Delilah getting into Samson’s house?
A: She picked his locks.
Q: Why didn’t Pharaoh let the Israelites go into the wilderness after the first six plagues?
A: He was in de Nile.
Q: Why did Samson try to avoid arguing with Delilah?
A: He didn’t want to split hairs.
A young man, who was also an a...
A young man, who was also an avid golfer, found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured that if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old man to join him.To his surprise, the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot, the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age, I'd hit the ball right over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally laid.
The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age, that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."