Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 24 May 2011

Marriage Rules

Typical macho man married a typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."

Chuck Norris can cook minute r...

Chuck Norris can cook minute rice in 30 seconds.

Oops!

The minister's little six-year-old girl had been so naughty during the week that her mother decided to give her the worst kind of punishment. She told her she couldn't go to the Sunday School Picnic on Saturday.

When the day came, her mother felt she had been too harsh and changed her mind. When she told the little girl she could go to the picnic, the child's reaction was one of gloom and unhappiness.

“What's the matter? I thought you'd be glad to go to the picnic.” her mother said.

“It's too late!” the little girl said. “I've already prayed for rain.”

Men should cut their hair befo...

Men should cut their hair before it gets unruly: aka mows before ‘fros.

A man and his wife were sittin...

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room discussing a “Living Will”
"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all the beer.

A Taxi Driver and a Priest Die…

He waits for a long time and finally goes to St. Peter and asks: "Why could that taxi driver go to the highest level of heaven and I, who all my life spoke about God, have to wait for such a long time?"
St. Peter replies: "When you were speaking to the people at your church, everybody was sleeping. But when that taxi driver was driving, everybody prayed!"

Two Indians were riding across...

Two Indians were riding across the plains on their ponies. They pulled to a stop to check if they were being followed. The first one climbs down off of his pony and puts his ear to the ground.

The second one asks the first one what he hears.

The first one says "buffalo come."

The second one says "I see nothing moving for miles, how do you know this?"

The first one replies, putting his hand to his cheek: "face all sticky"

Baby Hermaphrodite

A woman gives birth to a baby and afterward the doctor comes into the room and says, "I have something to tell you about your child.."

The woman slowly sits up with a worried look on her face and says, "What's wrong with it?"

The doctor says, "There's nothing really wrong with it, it's just a little different! It's a hermaphrodite."

The woman looks confused. "A hermaphrodite, what's that?"

The doctor replies, "It has both features of a male and a female."

The woman looks relieved. "What? You mean it has a penis AND a brain?"

Hiring An Accountant

Kowalski, fresh out of accounting school, went to a interview for a good paying job. The company boss asked various questions about him and his education, but then asked him, "What is three times seven?"
"Twenty-two," Kowalski replied.
After he left, he double-checked it on his calculator (he knew he should have taken it to the interview!) and realized he wouldn't get the job.
About two weeks later, he got a letter that said he was hired for the job! He was not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, but was still very curious.
The next day, Kowalski went in and asked why he got the job, even though he got such a simple question wrong. The boss shrugged and said, "Well, you were the closest."

Louis Katz: Hippie Roommate

I made the mistake of moving in with a hippie. Hippie roommate -- horrible mistake. Apparently, when they say peace and love, what they really mean is filthy and annoying.

A blonde and a redhead met in ...

A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink, and were watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge.
The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, 'I'll take that bet!'
Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owed. The redhead said 'I can't take this, you're my friend.'
The blonde said 'No. A bet's a bet'.
So the redhead said 'Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your money'.
The blonde replied, 'Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!'

Ham sandwich with mustard...

As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick slab of ham, a fresh bun, crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard. The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the picnic table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands, but was stopped by my wife who suddenly appeared at my side.

"Hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich," she said.

I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich, when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers.

I love mustard.

I had no napkin.

I licked it off.

It was NOT mustard!

No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding. With a washcloth in each hand, I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do, only I did it on my tongue.

Later my wife said, "Now you know why they call that mustard 'Poupon.'"

The Yiddish Parrot

Meyer, a lonely widower, was walking home one day. He was wishing something wonderful would happen to his life when he passed a pet store and heard a squawking voice shouting out in Yiddish: "Quawwwwk...vus macht du...!"
Meyer rubbed his eyes and ears. He couldn't believe it! Meyer stood in front of an African Grey that cocked his little head and said: "Vus? Kenst reddin Yiddish?"
In a matter of moments, Meyer purchased the bird and carried the parrot home. All night long he talked with the parrot...in Yiddish. The parrot listened while sharing some walnuts.
The next morning, Meyer began saying his prayers. The parrot wanted to pray, too. Meyer hand made a miniature yamulke for the parrot. The parrot also wanted to read Hebrew, so Meyer spent months teaching him the Torah.

On Rosh Hashanah, Meyer rose, got dressed, and was about to leave when the parrot demanded to go with him. Meyer explained that a synagogue was not a place for a bird, but the parrot pleaded and was carried to the synagogue on Meyer's shoulder.
Meyer was questioned by everyone, including the rabbi. At first, the rabbi refused to allow a bird into the building on the High Holy Days, but Meyer convinced him that the parrot could pray. Wagers were made on whether the parrot could speak Yiddish or not.
All eyes were on the two of them during services. The parrot was still perched on Meyer's shoulder as one prayer and song passed...but the parrot didn’t say a word. Annoyed, Meyer said "Pray, parrot! You can pray...do it now while everybody's looking at you!" The parrot said nothing.
After services were over, Meyer realized he owed the synagogue over four thousand dollars. He marched home, saying nothing. Finally, several blocks from the temple, the bird began to sing an old Yiddish song.
Meyer stopped and looked at him. "You miserable bird...you cost me over four thousand dollars today. Why? After I taught you the morning prayers, taught you to read Hebrew and the Torah. And, after you begged me to bring you to a synagogue on Rosh Hashanah...Why did you do this to me?"
"Don't be an idiot," the parrot replied. "Think of the odds we'll get on Yom Kippur!"

A Texan farmer goes to Austral...

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation.
There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking.
The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large."
Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows."
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those?"
The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"

A man was walking along a Cali...

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up, and rubbed it, and out popped a genie.

The genie said "OK, OK. You released me from this lamp, blah blah blah, yada, yada, yada. I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about the first two. You only get one wish!"

The man sat down, and thought about it for a long while, and then said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very sea sick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"

The genie laughed, and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel!! No, think of another wish!!"

The man said OK, and tried to think of a really good wish.

Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives have always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, my wish is that I could understand women...know how they feel inside, and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment or walk away...know why they're crying...know what they really want when they say nothing'....know how to make them truly happy...."

The genie replied and said, "Sir, do you want that bridge to Hawaii with two lanes or four"???!!

The preacher buys a parrot

A preacher is buying a parrot.

"Are you sure it doesn't scream, yell, or swear?" asked the preacher.

"Oh absolutely. It's a religious parrot," the storekeeper assures him.

"Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the lord's prayer, and when you pull on the left he recites the 23rd Psalm."

"Wonderful!" says the preacher, "but what happens if you pull both strings?"

"I fall off my perch, you stupid fool!" screeched the parrot.

Bottle Of Wine

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

'What in bag?' asked the old woman. Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, 'Good trade.'