Jokes of the day for Thursday, 02 June 2011

Move the car

My husband, Cal, grew increasingly displeased as our teenage daughter and her boyfriend studied in her room late one evening. Finally losing patience shortly after midnight, he knocked sharply on her door. Her boyfriend immediately opened it and asked if something was wrong.

“I have to ask you to move your car,” Cal told him.

“Oh, sure. Is it in someone's way?”

“No,” Cal replied, “it's at the wrong address.”

Behind every successful man, t...

Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris.

Lunch restaurants make me emot...

Lunch restaurants make me emotional. I get all cafe teary-eyed .

One morning the lion is feelin...

One morning the lion is feeling especially ferocious. He saunters over to a monkey swinging in a tree and roars, "Who's the king of this jungle?" The monkey scampers down from the tree, bows to the lion and stammered, "Wh..wh...why you are Mr. Lion."
A few minutes later, the lion comes across a warthog. He stops in front of the animal and asks, "Who's the baddest dude in this jungle?"
The warthog hid his face in the dirt and whispered, "You're the baddest, King Lion."
This continues all morning long with animal after animal bowing and scraping to the lion. Finally the lion comes across an 80-year-old bull elephant. He bellows at the elephant, "Who's the king of this jungle? Who owns this place?"
With that the elephant wrapped his trunk around the lion's belly. He raised the lion 12 feet in the air and slammed his head against the ground. After that he slammed the lion into a tree on the right and then into another tree on the left. Finally, the elephant swung his trunk and threw the lion 35 feet away where the lion landed in a thorn bush.
As the elephant lumbered down the trail the lion shook his paw and shouted, "Just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get an attitude!"

Will Of Americans

Tired of his low approval ratings, President Clinton called up the head of the CIA and said, "I want your very best agent over here first thing in the morning."
Moments later, a call went out to the Middle East, and the most gifted American agent was headed back to Washington.
The next morning, the agent was escorted into the Oval Office. The President said, "I hear you're the best in the business. I can't trust what my staff tells me.
So I want you to visit every state in the union, every major city. I want you to stay out on the road until you have an idea of what the vast majority of Americans would like to see happen in the Oval Office. Understand?"
The CIA agent responded affirmatively. He left the White House and wasn't heard from for nearly four months. Finally, he showed up early on a Saturday morning, and the President saw him immediately.
The President said, "Did you find out what an overwhelming majority of Americans want done here in this office?"
"Yes, sir."
"Well, then, express the will of the people," Clinton ordered.
So the agent stood up, pulled out a gun, and shot him.

Can I take his place?

An attorney telephoned the governor just after midnight, insisting that he talk to him regarding a matter of utmost urgency.

An aide eventually agreed to wake up the governor.

"So, what is it?" grumbled the governor.

"Judge Garber has just died" said the attorney, "and I want to take his place."

The governor replied: "Well, it's OK with me if it's OK with the undertaker."

Martha Kelly: Preparing for Office Work

Its been a couple of years since I actually worked in an office, so I thought I should do something to prepare to get back into the typing, filing and phone answering, and what not. So what I did was I had a friend of mine go with me down to the local swimming pool, and I had him tie me up in a burlap sack and sink me to the bottom of the pool. And then just as I was about to suffocate, he yanked me up and gave me a lunch break.

Operating Room

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room.
The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A circumcision."
"Whoa!" the second kid replies. "Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."

Deliverance

It is pouring rain in the flood plain of the Mississippi Valley, and the rising river begins to threaten all manner of private homes, including that of the local Rabbi.
With water coming into the ground floor, a rowboat with police comes by, and the officer shouts, "Rabbi, let us evacuate you! The water level is getting dangerous."
The Rabbi replies, "No thank you, I am a righteous man, who trusts in the Almighty, and I am confident he will deliver me." Three hours go by, and the rains intensify, at which point the Rabbi has been forced up to the second floor of his house.A second police rowboat comes by, and the officer shouts, "Rabbi, let us evacuate you! The water level is getting dangerous."
The Rabbi replies, "No thank you, I am a righteous man, who trusts in the Almighty, and I am confident he will deliver me."
The rain does not stop, and the Rabbi is forced up onto the roof of his house. A helicopter flies over, and the officer shouts down, "Rabbi, grab the rope and we'll pull you up! You're in terrible danger!"
The Rabbi replies, "No thank you, I am a righteous man, who trusts in the Almighty, and I am confident he will deliver me."
The deluge continues, and the Rabbi is swept off the roof, carried away in the current and drowns. He goes up to heaven, and at the Pearly Gates he is admitted, and comes before the Divine Presence.
The Rabbi asks, "Dear Lord, I don't understand. I've been a righteous observant person my whole life, and depended on you to save me in my hour of need. Where were you?"
And the Lord answered, "I sent two boats and a helicopter, what more do you want?"

A businessman boarded a fli...

A businessman boarded a flight and was lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman...... They exchange brief hellos and he noticed she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replied, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."

A mother had three daughters a...

A mother had three daughters and on their wedding days, she tells each one of them to write back and tell her about their marriage life.

The first one gets married. The second day the letter arrives with a simple message: "Maxwell Coffee House". The Mother got confused and finally noticed a Maxwell advert saying "Satisfaction to the last drop...".

When the second daughter got married, it took a week for the letter to arrive and the message read: "Rothmans". So the Mother looked at a Rothmans ad, and saw: "Life Size, King Size"

Finally it was the third one's wedding. Mother was very anxious. After 4 weeks came the message: "British Airways". When mother looked into the ad, she fainted. The ad read: "Twice a day. Four times a week. Both ways."

Should have been here sooner!

An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter. "Here is your oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area."

"Heck, Gloria," the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, "we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn't heard about all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!"

A lady about 8 months pregnant...

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused when on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said: "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said: "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself. BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident".. I just lost it."

Princess & a frog

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an

unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said, "Elegant lady, I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch cast a spell upon me."

"One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young Prince that I am, and then my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in yon castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my

clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."

That night, on a meal of lightly sauteed frogs legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought, "I don't fu#ken think so!"

Stop Redundancy

The Committee for the Reduction of Redundancy and the Antiproliferation of Repetition has decided not to meet until they have their first meeting and thus will not be meeting until the first time.
Their Pre-meeting Statement wanted to make this clear before they had their first meeting, so that it would not be unor confusing.
So their first meeting will actually be their first meeting and they will not have a meeting before the first meeting.
This should avoid having people show up for their first meeting before it is held, since to do so would be confusing to those who did so and this is what they want to avoid by reducing the confusion and lessening the repetition.

Fear of alligators ....

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,"Are there any gators around here?!"

"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"

"Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.

About halfway there he asked the guy,"How'd you get rid of the gators?"

"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said.

"The sharks got 'em."

Jewish Personals

Shul Gabbai, 36. I take out the Torah Saturday morning.

Would like to take you out Saturday night. Please write.

Couch potato latke, in search of the right applesauce. Let's

try it for eight days. Who knows?

Divorced Jewish man, seeks partner to attend shul with,

light shabbos candles, celebrate holidays, build Sukkah

together, attend brisses, bar mitzvahs. Religion not

important.

Orthodox woman with get, seeks man who got get, or can get

get. Get it? I'll show you mine, if you show me yours.

Sincere rabbinical student, 27. Enjoys Yom Kippur, Tisha

B'av, Taanis Esther, Tzom Gedaliah, Asarah B'Teves, Shiva

Asar B'Tammuz. Seeks companion for living life in the "fast"

lane.

Yeshiva bochur, Torah scholar, long beard, payos. Seeks same

in woman.

Worried about in-law meddling? I'm an orphan! Write.

Nice Jewish guy, 38. No skeletons. No baggage. No

personality.

Female graduate student, studying kaballah, Zohar, exorcism

of dybbuks, seeks mensch. No weirdos, please.

Staunch Jewish feminist, wears tzitzis, seeking male who

will accept my independence, although you probably will not.

Oh, just forget it.

Jewish businessman, 49, manufactures Sabbath candles,

Chanukah candles, havdallah candles, Yahrzeit candles. Seeks

non-smoker.

Israeli professor, 41, with 18 years of teaching in my

behind. Looking for American-born woman who speaks English

very good.

80-year-old bubbe, no assets, seeks handsome, virile Jewish

male, under 35. Object matrimony. I can dream, can't I?

I am a sensitive Jewish prince whom you can open your heart

to. Share your innermost thoughts and deepest secrets.

Confide in me. I'll understand your insecurities. No fatties,

please.

Jewish male, 34, very successful, smart, independent,

self-made. Looking for girl whose father will hire me.

Single Jewish woman, 29, into disco, mountain climbing,

skiing, track and field. Has slight limp.

Desperately seeking shmoozing! Retired senior citizen

desires female companion 70+ for kvetching, kvelling, and

krechtzing. Under 30 is also OK.