Jokes of the day for Monday, 03 October 2011
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 03 October 2011 |
Finance jokes-Bank in trouble
'Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice,' she splutters.
'I did?' responds her father, 'What did I tell you?'
Well, you told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in serious trouble,' explains Robyn sniffing.
'What are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks in the whole country,' he remarks, 'there must be some mistake.....'
'I don't think so,' Robyn interrupts, 'They just returned one of my cheques with a note saying, "Insufficient Funds".'
A young man was walking throug...
A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around.Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on.
Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.
"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently."
"I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?"
"Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother'? It would make me feel so much better." "Sure," answered the young man.
As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!"
As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50.
"How can that be?" He asked, "I only purchased a few things!"
"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.
Chuck Norris has two speeds: w...
Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.Funny video of the day - NONONONO Cat
Water You Say
Contributed by Betty Marshall
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
A wagon load of corn
A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, “Hey Willis, forget your troubles! Come in and visit with us. I'll help you get the wagon up later.”
“That's mighty nice of you,” Willis answered, “but I don't think Pa would like me to.”
“Aw come on boy,” the farmer insisted.
“Well okay,” the boy finally agreed, and added, “but Pa won't like it.”
After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. “I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset.”
“Don't be foolish!” the neighbour said with a smile. “By the way, where is he?”
“Under the wagon!”
Source: CleanJokes4U
A young man was walking throug...
A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him. "Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently." "I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?" "Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother'? It would make me feel so much better." "Sure," answered the young man.As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!" As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" He asked, "I only purchased a few things!" "Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.
An HMO Manager Goes to Heaven. . .
The second doctor said, "I was a psychiatrist. I helped people rehabilitate themselves." St. Peter also invited him in.
The third applicant stepped forward and said, "I was an HMO manager. I helped people get cost-effective health care." St. Peter said, "You can come in, too."
But as the HMO manager walked by, St. Peter added, "You can stay three days. After that, you can go to Hell."
Into the Olympics...
Three guys are trying to sneak into the Olympic Village in Atlanta to scoop souvenirs and autographs. The first says, "Let's watch the registration table to see if there's a crack in the security system that we can utilize to scam our way in."
Immediately, a burly athlete walks up to the table and states, "Angus MacPherson. Scotland. Shotput." He opens his gym bag to display a shotput to the registration attendant.
The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. MacPherson. Here is you packet of registration materials, complete with hotel keys, passes to all Olympic events, meal tickets, and other information."
HOT DOG! The first guy grabs a small tree sapling, strips off the limbs and roots, walks up the registration table and states: "Chuck Wagon. Canada. Javelin."
The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. Wagon. Here is you packet of registration materials, hotel keys, passes, meal tickets, and so forth. Good luck!"
The second guy grabs a street utility manhole cover, walks up the registration table and states: "Dusty Rhodes. Australia. Discus."
The attendant says, "Terrific, Mr. Rhodes. Here is you packet of registration materials, hotel keys, a full set of passes, and meal tickets. Enjoy yourself."
They scamper in, but suddenly realize the third guy is missing. They groan - OH NO. He is not to bright. They forgot to make sure he doesn't do something stupid and blow their cover stories.
They spot him walking with a roll of barbed wire under his arm. He walks up the registration table and states: "Foster Bean. USA. Fencing."
Knock Knock Collection 156
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Roxie!
Roxie who?
Roxie horrow picture show!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Rufus!
Rufus who?
Rufus leaking and I'm getting wet!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Russia!
Russia who?
Russia though you meal and you'll be sick!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ruth!
Ruth who?
Ruth of the matter is!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Sabina!
Sabina who?
Sabina a long time since I've seen you!
Alfred Robles: Engaged for 10 Months
My girl wants to change the engagement rules. She tells me, Babe, why do I got to wear a ring and let guys know Im taken, and you dont got to wear nothing? I told her, Babe, I wear my sad face every day.Texas
At the urging of his doctor, Bill moved to Texas. After settling in, he met a neighbor who was also an older man.
“Say, is this really a healthy place?”
“It sure is,” the man replied.
“When I first arrived here I couldn't say one word. I had hardly any hair on my head. I didn't have the strength to walk across a room and I had to be lifted out of bed.”
“That's wonderful!” said Bill. “How long have you been here?”
“I was born here.”
A lady is walking down the str...
A lady is walking down the street to work and see's a parrot in a pet store. She stops to admire the bird. The parrot says to her, "hey lady, you are really ugly."Well, the lady is furious! She storms past the store to her work.
On the way home she saw the same parrot in the window and the parrot upon seeing her says, "hey lady, you are really ugly."
She was incredibly ticked now. The next day on the way to work she saw the same parrot and once again it said, "hey lady, you are really ugly."
The lady was so furious that she stormed into the store and threatened to sue the store and have the bird killed. The store manager appologized profusely and promised the bird wouldn't say it again.
When the lady walked past the store after work the parrot said to her, "hey lady."
She paused and said," yes?"
The bird said, "you know."
I walked in to our house to fi...
I walked in to our house to find my wife and children all standing at the front door talking to a middle-aged woman."Hello, all," I announced.
My kids ran to me and told me the lady was from 'Sesame something'.
"The census bureau?" I asked.
"Yeah! How did you know?" they shouted excitedly.
"I know EVERYTHING!" I said not divulging that I had read about the door to door visits in the paper.
So we all walked up to the lady, and I told her that these children were from Cuba and that she should take them away. "Maybe they can get jobs picking sugar cane?" I asked.
My kids laughed, the lady just looked at me and my wife hit me.
"Um, for 'race'" I continued, "you can put us down as 'Black Irish'."
My kids laughed, the census taker didn't, my wife hit me.
"OK," I said, "strike two and I'm out. I'm gonna go take a dump."
My kids laughed, the census taker laughed, my wife hit me.
Blonde quickies 13
Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?A: A wind tunnel.
Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
A: A dope ring.
Q: What do you call a blond with a bag of sugar on her head ?
A: Sweet Fuck All...
Q: What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
A: Frosted Flakes.
Q: What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?
A: Last year's hide-and-seek champ.
Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?
A: A Space Invader.
Q: What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case?
A: Branch Manager.
Q: What do you call a smart blond?
A: A labrador.
Q: How does a blonde interpret 6.9?
: A 69 interrupted by a period.
A Yogi Goes to the Dentist...
Did you hear about the Hindu yogi who was having a filling put in a tooth? When the dentist asked him if he wanted novocaine, the yogi said, "No. I can transcend dental medication."
Matt Goldich: School Assemblies
We had a lot of assemblies when I was growing up at my school, and they were all the same. Every assembly we had they would always bring in some former drug addict, and hed be like, Yeah, you know, I was addicted to drugs for 20 years, and I almost died, and thats why you shouldnt do drugs. And Id be like, Well, uh, you didnt die, and you got to do all those drugs!Knock Knock Collection 109
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Kendall!
Kendall who?
Kendall and Barbie go together!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Kenneth!
Kenneth who?
Kenneth little kids play with you!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Kent!
Kent who?
Kent you tell who it is?
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Kentucky!
Kentucky who?
Kentucky too well, have a sore throat!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Kenya!
Kenya who?
Kenya guess who is it?
Just a Weeeeeeee Bit
An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare.With that as his mission he began to search for the perfect woman.
Shortly there after he met a Redneck who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the Redneck and asked for permission to marry one of them.
The Redneck simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."
The man dated the first daughter. The next day the Redneck asked for the man's opinion.
"Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed."
The Redneck nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.
The next day, the Redneck again asked how things went.
"Well,"the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell..cross-eyed."
The Redneck nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.
The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming,
"She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."
So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the Ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law and asked how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.
"Well," explained the Redneck...
"She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell.... pregnant when you met her."