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Jokes of the day for Sunday, 18 March 2012

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Sunday, 18 March 2012

Really funny jokes-Outrun

Two employees for the gas company were at a house call. The younger man said to the older one, "Geez, you're old!"
"Yeah, that may be so, but I can still outrun you," replied the older employee.
"How about a foot race to see if you're right," said the younger employee.
With that they start running at full speed around that block. The older man kept up with the younger man around the first corner, the second corner, the third corner. As they come up on the last corner, the younger man sees an elderly woman running as fast as her legs could carry her. Puzzled by this, they both stop ask her why she was running behind them. The old woman caught her breath and said, "Well, you were at my home checking my gas meter, and when I saw you running away, I figured I'd better run too!"
#joke
Joke | Source: Really Funny Jokes - Really Funny jokes, adult jokes, Good jokes, short funny jokes, teacher jokes, affair jokes, kids jokes, doctor jokes, funny pictures
  • Currently 5.20/10

Rating: 5.2/10 (10)

A man goes to the police stati...

A man goes to the police station wanting to speak to the burglar who broke into his house the night before.

"You’ll get your chance in court," says the desk sergeant.

"No, no, no! says the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!"
#joke #policeman
Joke | Source: MHINTZ0929's Blog - New funny joke each day
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (9)

A man goes to the police stati...

A man goes to the police station wanting to speak to the burglar who broke into his house the night before. ‘You’ll get your chance in court,’ says the desk sergeant.
‘No, no, no! says the man. ‘I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!’
#joke #policeman
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 4.60/10

Rating: 4.6/10 (5)

Funny Photo of the day - Watermelon Noodles

Watermelon Noodles - Excelent for hot day | Source : This is Photobomb - Photojackers of the World Unite!
  • Currently 4.86/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (7)

Shipwrecked on an Island

Two men were shipwrecked near an island. When they landed ashore, one of them began screaming and yelling, "We're going to die! We're going to die! There's no food! No water! We're going to die!"
The second man leaned calmly against a palm tree.
When the first man saw how calm his friend was, he went crazy and shouted, "Don't you understand?! We're going to die!!"Undisturbed, the second man replied, "You don't understand, I make $100,000 a week."
Dumbfounded, the first man looked at him and asked, "What difference does that make?!? We're on an island with no food and no water! We're going to DIE!!!"
The second man answered, "You just don't get it. I make $100,000 a week and I tithe ten percent on that $100,000 a week. Wherever I am, my pastor will be sure to find me!"

#joke #food
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 5.20/10

Rating: 5.2/10 (5)

A young couple, married just a...

A young couple, married just a couple of weeks, returned from their honeymoon to face the beginning of their new lives. The next morning, the husband woke up, showered, dressed and made his way to the kitchen where he saw his new wife crying.

So the husband inquired, "What's wrong, Honey?"

"Well, I came down here this morning to surprise you with a big breakfast, but I can't cook or clean."

The husband smiled his biggest smile and said, "There, there sweetie! I don't care that you can't cook and clean. Come on up to the bedroom, and I'll show you what I'd like for breakfast." So, off they went to the bedroom.

That afternoon, the husband came home for lunch to find his new wife crying again in the kitchen.

"What's wrong now, Sweetie?"

"Well, the same thing as this morning. I came in here to make you something for lunch, and I just can't cook."

Again the husband smiled and said, "Why don't you come back up to the bedroom and I'll have my lunch there!" So off they went to the bedroom again.

That evening the new husband came home, walked in the house and saw his new bride buck naked sliding down the banister of the stairs. Up she ran, and WHOOSH! down the banister. After the third trip up the stairs, the puzzled husband asked, "What are you doing, Honey?"

She replied with a smile, "Warming up your supper!"
#joke #food #breakfast #lunch #honey #wedding #bride
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Used to be Joke rating machine, but this site is dead
  • Currently 5.71/10

Rating: 5.7/10 (7)

Confused

What do you call a nun with a sex change?

Tran-sister.

Submitted by Glaci

Edited by Curtis

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 4.64/10

Rating: 4.6/10 (14)

Letter to Company

After trying a new shampoo for the first time, a guy fired off an enthusiastic letter of approval to the manufacturer.

Several weeks later he came home from work to a large carton in the middle of the floor. Inside were free samples of the many products the company produced: soaps, detergents, tooth paste, and paper items.

“Well, what do you think?” his wife asked smiling.

“Next time,” he replied. “I'm writing to General Motors!”

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke Diary - Really Funny Jokes Daily
  • Currently 4.54/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (35)

Mike Vecchione: Private Detective School

I went online to become a private detective. It was a private detective school online, and I paid online. But then I never heard from them again. I thought to myself, I either got ripped off or this is my first case.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 6.94/10

Rating: 6.9/10 (33)

Little Miss Muffet sat on her ...

Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her into a glacier.
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 26 May 2011
  • Currently 2.64/10

Rating: 2.6/10 (50)

Three sons left home, went out...

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.
The first said: "I built a big house for our mother."
The second said: "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."
The third said: "You remember how our mother enjoys reading the Bible. Now she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot recites it."
Soon thereafter, their mother sent out her letters of thanks. "William," she said, "the house you built is so huge. I live only in one room, but I have to clean the whole house.
"Arnold," she said, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home so I rarely use the Mercedes. And that driver is so rude! He's a pain!"
"But David," she said, "the chicken was delicious!"
#joke #animal #parrot #chicken
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 09 November 2009
  • Currently 6.73/10

Rating: 6.7/10 (70)

Truman at the Washington Garden Club....

Harry Truman was known for his blunt manner of speaking. When he made a speech at the Washington Garden Club, he kept referring to the "good manure" that needed to be used on the flowers.

Some society women complained to his wife, Bess. "Couldn't you get the President to say 'fertilizer'?" they asked.

Mrs. Truman replied, "Heavens, no! It took me twenty-five years to get him to say 'manure.'"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 06 April 2009
  • Currently 5.76/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (17)

Instructions amiss

A man was having marital problems. So he went

to his shrink. The shrink says, "When you get

home, throw down your briefcase, run to her,

embrace her, take off her clothes, and yours,

and make mad passionate love to her."

In two weeks he was back in the shrink's office.

The shrink asked "How did it go?"

He said, "She didn't have anything to say,

but her bridge club got a kick out of it."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 18 March 2011
  • Currently 8.02/10

Rating: 8.0/10 (43)

The Biology Song 02


To the tune of "Send in the Clowns"
So this is it,
A few bases to go,
I've tried and I've tried but the techniques's so slow.
I've poured my gels,
I've run quite a few.
Full of bubbles, they leaked and why I never knew.
But where are the clones?
I've got to have clones,
The end is so near.
Is my broth rich?
Does it look clear?
Contamination is something I always fear.
Are my plaques blue?
They shouldnt be,
No DNA left I'm down on my knees,
So give me some clones?
I've got to have clones,
The end is so near.
I've had bad preps,
There've been quite a few,
Ive tried all brands of PEG, fresh buffers, but nothing would do.
And though they say,
Solutions will keep,
In my hands they last no more than a week.
So send me some clones?
I've got to have clones,
The end is so near.
I've read my gels,
My eyes are quite sore,
There's still sequence missing, of this I am sure.
But there it is!!
Finally done.
I've conquered this fragment and now I have won.
Whats's this I hear?
A voice from the door.
My supervisor wants 10kb more!
So give me some clones,
I've got to have clones,
Or I'll be here all year!
Bill Kalionis

#joke #food #broth
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 18 March 2009
  • Currently 4.14/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (14)

Single,huh?

A guy walks into a supermarket and buys the following:
--------------------
1 bar of soap
1 toothbrush
1 tube of toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 single serving of cereal
1 single frozen dinner

The checkout girl looks at him, smiles, and says, 'Single,huh?'

The guy smiles sheepishly and replies, 'How'd you guess?'

She says, 'Because you're ugly.'

#joke #food #bread #dinner #drinks #milk
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 18 March 2009
  • Currently 5.80/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (10)

Female astronauts

Why are there no female astronauts on the moon?

Because it doesn't need cleaning yet.

Submitted by Calamjo

Edited by Tantilazing

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 18 March 2009
  • Currently 5.50/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (10)

Sex with Strangers

Getting drunk and having sex with strangers. Thats how Irish people meet, isnt it?
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 18 March 2010
  • Currently 4.00/10

Rating: 4.0/10 (10)

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