Jokes of the day for Thursday, 05 April 2012

A gentleman entered a busy flo...

A gentleman entered a busy florist shop that displayed a large sign that read “Say It with Flowers.”
“Wrap up one rose” he told the florist.
“Only one?” the florist asked.
“Just one,” the customer replied
“I’m a man of few words.”

Good jokes-Anything to offer

A man hasn't been feeling well...

A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results.
"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left."
"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "Give it to me straight, Doc. How long have I got?"
"Ten," the doctor says sadly.
"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!"
"Nine..."

Calling Technical Support

Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring...

Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring...

Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring...

Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring...

Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring...

Thank you for calling Technical Support. All of our

technicians are currently busy helping people who are even

less competent than you, so please hold for the next

available technician. The waiting time is now estimated at

between fifteen minutes and eternity.

In order to expedite your call, please punch your 58-digit

product identification number on to your telephone, followed

by your product serial number, which can be found in a secret

compartment inside your computer where, for security

purposes, it is printed in the smallest typeface possible to

prevent being seen. Please note that you made need a size 11

3/4 torx screwdriver which may only be available from your

original equipment manufacturer.

Do that NOW!

Thank you again for calling Technical Support. We recommend

that you sit at your computer, preferably turning it on at

some point, and have at hand all your floppy disks, CD-ROM

disks, computer manuals and original packing materials in

order to allow the technician to aid you in the unlikely

event that he ever gets to your call.

If you were an inconsiderate jerk -- we mean forgetful

customer -- and threw away your original packing materials,

please call the company that sent you the computer and ask

them to resend you the empty box with the plastic bubbles,

fake popcorn and the wasted paper advertising that they

recycle. We will hold your place in line on the phone while

you wait for your boxes to be delivered. (yeah right !) ...

It would also be helpful for you to refrain from sobbing

while explaining your problem to the technician. Shouting

obscene threats will cause you to be immediately disconnected

and blackballed from further communication with Technical

Support, not only from ours but that of every other

electronics-related firm in the industrialized world. (we

all talk you know)...

Thank you once again for calling Technical Support. In order

to enable us to better assist you, it would be helpful to

know more about you and your equipment. Have you called

Technical Support before? If you have, please press the

numeral "one" on your telephone touch pad.

If not, press the numeral "two." If you are not sure, using

the letters on your touch pad, spell out the phrase: "I am

confused and despondent and quickly losing the will to live."

Once you have finished, hang up your phone and make

arrangements to sell your computer because by the time the

technician takes your call, it will be obsolete, and you will

be too senile to use it anyway. ...

Thank you for calling Technical Support. Unfortunately, all

of our technicians just went out for lunch. This means that

to the estimated waiting time we gave you earlier, you may

now add at least another two hours.

Thank you for calling Technical Support. Before talking to

the technician about your problem and risking the possibility

that you may be wasting his valuable time, please ask

yourself the following questions: 1. If my monitor screen is

dark, is it possible I have forgotten to plug in my computer?

2. Have I exhausted every possible means of help before

utilizing the sacred, last-resort-only telephone option? 3.

Have I sent a fax to Fast Fax Technical Support? 4. Have I

consulted my manual? 5. Have I read the Read-Me notice on

the floppy disk? 6. Have I called up my know-it-all geek

cousin who I can't stand but who can probably fix this thing

for me in under five minutes? 6. Have I given the central

processing unit of my computer a good, solid whack?

If you can not honestly answer "yes" to all these questions,

please get off the line immediately so that our overworked

technicians can help those truly desperate customers whose

suffering is so much greater than yours. You must be really

be so bored that you have to call technical support just to

have someone to speak to about geek stuff. ...

Thank you for calling Technical Support. You may not be

aware that this week we are featuring a discount on a number

of popular CD-ROM titles you may wish to purchase, such as

the best-selling Porn Doubler, which allows you to access

erotic material from the Internet twice as fast. If you

would like to hear all 26,000 titles read to you, shout "Yes!

Yes! Yes!" into the telephone now. This will not cause you to

lose your place in line for Technical Support; in fact it may

jump you ahead of several other callers. ...

Thank you for calling Technical Support. Our System has been

overloaded, and unfortunately you have lost your place in

line. Please push "one" if you would like to be connected

again to technical Support

1

Thank you for calling Technical Support. Our electronic

sensors indicate that you are about to slump over and die

from a massive frustration attack combined with severe

dehydration from lack of food and water. Before doing so,

please take a moment to place your telephone receiver back in

its base and switch off your computer so as not to wear down

its internal battery.

As a non-living person, you will have no further need of

Technical Support and so we regretfully must remove you from

our list of registered product users.

Remember, we valued your patronage and were happy to serve

your needs. Do not -hesitate to have your heirs or

beneficiaries contact us should any further technical

problems arise.

Dumb Instructions

“Warning: May contain nuts.” — On a package of peanuts.

“Do not eat.” — On a slip of paper in a stereo box, referring to the styrofoam packing.

“Access hole only — not intended for use in lifting box.” — On the sides of a shipping carton, just above cut-out openings which one would assume were handholds.

“Warning: May cause drowsiness.” — On a bottle of Nytol, a brand of sleeping pills.

“Warning: Misuse may cause injury or death.” — Stamped on the metal barrel of a .22 calibre rifle.

“Do not use orally after using rectally.” — In the instructions for an electric thermometer.

“Turn off motor before using this product.” — On the packaging for a chain saw file, used to sharpen the cutting teeth on the chain.

“Not to be used as a personal flotation device.” — On a 6×10 inch inflatable picture frame.

“Do not put in mouth.” — On a box of bottle rockets.

“Please remove before driving.” — On the back of a cardboard windshield (for keeping the car from getting too hot when parked).

“Remove plastic before eating.” — On the wrapper of a Fruit Roll-Up snack.

“Not dishwasher safe.” — On a remote control for a TV.

“For lifting purposes only.” — On the box for a car jack.

“Do not put lit candles on phone.” — On the instructions for a cordless phone.

“Warning! This is not underwear! Do not attempt to put in pants.” — On the packaging for a wristwatch.

“Do not recharge, put in backwards, or use.” — On a battery.

Chuck Norris doesn't read book...

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

The Best Part of Sunday Service

A preacher notices a man that comes to his church for every service. The preacher asks the man what his favorite part of the service is. The man replies, “Communion.”
Then the preacher asks, “Why is communion your favorite part of the service?”
The man then replies, “Because it’s the only time Jesus’ blood tastes like grape juice.”
- Joke shared by Beliefnet member jesustime

A woman goes into Wal-Mart...

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a Wal-Mart "associate" standing there with dark shades on. She says, "Excuse me sir...can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says, "Ma'am I'm blind but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes." She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line...It's a good all around rod and reel and it's $20.00". She says, "Thats amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound Of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it." He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the woman farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her..being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around. He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50." She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?" He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the stink bait is$2.50."

A new way to diet...

Tammy and Ann were shopping. When they started to discuss their home lives, Tammy said, "Seems like all Alfred and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset I've lost 20 pounds."

"Why don't you just leave him then ?" said Ann.

"Oh ! Not yet." Tammy replied, "I'd like to lose at least another ten to fifteen pounds first."

A man calls home to his wife a...

A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! And please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish. He says, "Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Blue gill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"

The wife replies; "I did, they were in your tackle box."

A guy falls asleep on the beac...

A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible sunburn all over his body.

He goes to the hospital and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second degree burns on his legs.

He was starting to blister and in pain by the time the doctor arrived. To help, the doctor prescribed an IV with saline and electrolytes, asedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The attending nurse was rather surprised by the prescription and asked, "What good will Viagra do him?"

The doctor replied, "It will keep the sheets off his legs."

First Time in Church

Mrs. Harrison took her three-year-old daughter, Jenny, to church for the first time.
After arriving, the church lights were lowered, and then the choir came down the aisle, carrying lighted candles.There was silence in the entire sanctuary until Jenny's voice was suddenly heard, loudly singing: "Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you..."

A Collection Of Insults

When you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! Jokes.
3K RAM free, no EMS.
A .22 caliber intellect in a .357 Magnum world.
A 10K brain attached to a 9600 baud mouth.
A 20th century man... The guy has no future.
A 3.5-inch drive, but data on punch cards.
A black-and-white mind working on a color-coded problem.
A brain like a BB in a boxcar / box of Corn Flakes.
A couple of slates short of a full roof.
A couplet short of a sonnet.
A cup and saucer short of a place setting.
A day late and a dollar short.
A deadbolt with a broken cylinder.
A doughnut short of being a cop.
A few beads short in her rosary.

Preach A Good Sermon

The preacher's 5-year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why.
"Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages, "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon."
"How come He doesn't answer it?" she asked.

A mechanic was removing a cyli...

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.
The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.
The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?"
The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic, "Try doing it with the engine running."