Jokes of the day for Thursday, 09 August 2012
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Thursday, 09 August 2012 |
Grounds for divorce...
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is 'yes'."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."
This guy needs a job and decid...
This guy needs a job and decides to apply at the zoo. As it happened, their star attraction, a gorilla, had passed away the night before and they had carefully preserved his hide. They tell this guy that they'll pay him well if he would dress up in the gorillas skin and pretend to be the gorilla so people will keep coming to the zoo. Well, the guy has his doubts, but Hey! He needs the money, so he puts on the skin and goes out into the cage.The people all cheer to see him. He plays up to the audience and they just eat it up. This isn't so bad, he thinks, and he starts really putting on a show, jumping around, beating his chest and roaring, swinging around. During one acrobatic attempt, though, he loses his balance and crashes through some safety netting, landing square in the middle of the lion cage! As he lies there stunned, the lion roars. He's terrified and starts screaming, "Help, Help, Help!"
The lion races over to him, places his paws on his chest and hisses, "Shut up or we'll BOTH lose our jobs!"
Anal vs Oral
What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Funny video of the day - Zombie cat
Hotdogs
Two brothers have a lifelong dream to immigrate to America. They work hard and save their money.
After many years, they have saved enough money and finally move to New York. Before they begin building their new lives in America, they decide to see some of the famous places they dreamed of for so long: the Statue of Liberty, the Empire State Building, Rockefeller Center, and others.
Eventually, they make their way to Coney Island. As they stroll down the beach, taking in all the newness of America, they see a very large billboard that reads: "HOT DOGS," with a big arrow pointing down to a little hot dog stand.
Being hungry and seeing that having an American hot dog would be something new, they decide to try one. So they order two hot dogs and sit on a nearby bench to enjoy another piece of Americana.
The first brother sets his hot dog in his lap, unfolds the paper wrapper, looks at his hot dog for a moment, and suddenly wraps it back up.
He then turns to his brother and says: "What part of the dog did you get?"
Funny jokes-Cruise control
We had to educate him about the difference between cruise control and auto-pilot!
Veterinary Clinic
Glenn took his dog to the veterinary clinic, and laid its limp body on the table. The doctor pulled out his stethoscope, listened to the dog's chest for a moment, then shook his head sadly. “I'm sorry, but your dog has passed away.”“What?” Glenn screamed. “You haven't even done any tests! I want another opinion.”
The vet left the room and returned in a few moments with a Labrador Retriever. The Retriever sniffed the dog on the table carefully from head to toe. Finally, the Retriever shook it's head and barked once (meaning “dead and gone”).
The vet took the Labrador away and returned a few minutes later with a cat, which also sniffed carefully over the dog on the table before shaking its head and saying, “Meow” (meaning “he's gone”).
After the cat jumped off the table, the vet handed Glenn a bill for $600. The man shook the bill at the vet. “$600!!!! Just to tell me my dog is dead?!!! That's outrageous!”
The vet explained. “If you had taken my word for it, the charge would have been $50, but with the Lab work and the cat scan….”
Mike Birbiglia: Crying Over a Book
I was on the subway the other day, and the guy next to me was crying over a book. He was actually crying. So, I leaned over -- I go, You dont know how to read, either? In the back of the Guinness Bo...
In the back of the Guinness Book of World Records it states "All records are currently held by Chuck Norris, and the records listed in this book are only the records of those people who have come closest to Chuck Norris' records." This guy needs a job and decid...
This guy needs a job and decides to apply at the zoo. As it happened, their star attraction, a gorilla, had passed away the night before and they had carefully preserved his hide. They tell this guy that they'll pay him well if he would dress up in the gorillas skin and pretend to be the gorilla so people will keep coming to the zoo. Well, the guy has his doubts, but Hey! He needs the money, so he puts on the skin and goes out into the cage. The people all cheer to see him. He plays up to the audience and they just eat it up. This isn't so bad, he thinks, and he starts really putting on a show, jumping around, beating his chest and roaring, swinging around. During one acrobatic attempt, though, he loses his balance and crashes through some safety netting, landing square in the middle of the lion cage! As he lies there stunned, the lion roars. He's terrified and starts screaming, "Help, Help, Help!" The lion races over to him, places his paws on his chest and hisses, "Shut up or we'll BOTH lose our jobs!"10 Things Men Know About Women
10 Things Men Know About Women 1.)
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10.) They have breasts.
Chuck Norris once ordered a st...
Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.Faster than a speeding bullet....
Faster than a speeding bullet...more powerful than a locomotive...able to leap tall buildings in a single bound...yes, these are some of Chuck Norris' warm-up exercises.Kumail Nanjiani: Hogwarts Curriculum
Heres my only thing with Harry Potter... They go to this school, and they take classes like Defense Against the Dark Arts and Potions and Divination, but they should be taking math also, right? Why are there no math teachers at Hogwarts? Or history, or geography? Theyre getting tested on Care of Magical Creatures -- never heard of the Holocaust. A guy was driving when a polic...
A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?" "No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?"
The driver thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license." The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him - he's a smart butt when he's drunk and stoned." The guy from the back seat said, "I TOLD you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!"
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"