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Jokes of the day for Monday, 10 December 2012

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 10 December 2012

Tetanus Shot

The old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat.
His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks, "Where are you going?"
He replies, "I'm going to the doctor."
She says, "Why, are you sick?"
He says, "Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff."
Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat.
He says, "Where the hell are you going"?
She answers, "I'm going to the doctor, too."
He says, "Why, what do you need?"
She says, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm getting a tetanus shot."

#joke #doctor
  • Currently 3.88/10

Rating: 3.9/10 (16)

Hilarious jokes-Taking turns

While traveling cross country, a couple decided to stop for a cup of coffee in a local diner somewhere in Texas. While they were sitting at a booth near the counter sipping their coffee, a local cowboy stumbled in and headed for the closest stool at the counter. As he lifted his leg over the stool, he cut one of the loudest farts ever heard by a human. The tourist jumped up and screamed, "Sir, how dare you fart before my wife!"
The cowboy stopped, tipped his hat politely and said, "Beggin' yer pardon, ma'am...I didn't know we was a takin' turns."
#joke
Joke | Source: Really Funny Jokes - Really Funny jokes, adult jokes, Good jokes, short funny jokes, teacher jokes, affair jokes, kids jokes, doctor jokes, funny pictures
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

SLIDESHOW #43 - Funny Photo Slideshow

Peter says. Doctor, I see doub...

Peter says. Doctor, I see double!
Sit on the chair please the doctor says.
Which one? Peter replied.
#joke #short #doctor
Joke | Source: MHINTZ0929's Blog - New funny joke each day
  • Currently 4.25/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (4)

Funny video of the day - Le Zap de Spi0n no144 - Funny compilation

Le Zap de Spi0n no144 - Funny compilation - One more great compilation from Le Zap de Spion. Great funny videos! - link to page video is posted initially.
  • Currently 1.60/10

Rating: 1.6/10 (40)

Peter says. Doctor, I see dou...

Peter says. Doctor, I see double!
Sit on the chair please the doctor says.
Which one? Peter replied.
#joke #short #doctor
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

Funny Photo of the day - Funny bow tie dog

Funny bow tie dog - Does not like his bow tie | Source : Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

Relatives....

A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the husband replied, "In-laws."

#joke
  • Currently 2.33/10

Rating: 2.3/10 (3)

Difference Between Man and Woman Showering

How to Shower Like a Woman

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups

4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.

5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.

8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

10. Rinse conditioner off hair.

11. Shave armpits and legs.

12. Turn off shower.

13. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.

14. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

15. Check entire body for zits, tweeze hairs.

16. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

17. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How To Shower Like a Man

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.

3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your a**.

4. Get in the shower.

5. Wash your face

6. Wash your armpits.

7. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

8. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower.

9. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

10. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.

11. Shampoo your hair.

12. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.

13. Pee.

14. Rinse off and get out of shower.

15. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.

16. Admire wiener size in mirror again.

17. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

18. Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.

19. Throw wet towel on bed.

#joke
  • Currently 2.00/10

Rating: 2.0/10 (7)

LIE DETECTOR ROBOT

Dad buys a LIE DETECTOR ROBOT which slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it at dinner.”Son, where were you today?” The son says “at school dad.” Robot slaps the son! “OK, I watched a DVD at my friends house!” “What DVD?” “Toy story.” Robot slaps the son again! “OK, it was a %&%*o”Dad yells “What! When I was your age I didn't know what %&%* was!” Robot then slaps the dad!Mom laughs “HAHAHA! He's certainly YOUR son.” Robot then slaps the mom….

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke Diary - Really Funny Jokes Daily
  • Currently 4.86/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (14)

Church Bulletin Bloopers

  • If you choose to heave during the Postlude, please do so quietly.
  • We are grateful for the help of those who cleaned up the grounds around the church building and the rector.
  • Newsletters are not being sent to absentees because of their weight.
  • Helpers are needed! Please sign up on the information sheep.
  • Diana and Don request your presents at their wedding.
  • Lent is that period for preparing for Holy Weed and Easter.

    #joke
  • Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
    • Currently 4.14/10

    Rating: 4.1/10 (7)

    Chuck Norris does the Sunday N...

    Chuck Norris does the Sunday New York Times Crossword Puzzle in ink.
    #joke #short #chucknorris
    Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 26 October 2011
    • Currently 3.33/10

    Rating: 3.3/10 (57)

    Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michae...

    Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth.r>r> This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. r>r> Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: r>r> "Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."
    #joke
    Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 18 November 2009
    • Currently 5.44/10

    Rating: 5.4/10 (61)

    A man phones home from his off...

    A man phones home from his office and says to his wife, "I have the chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. I have to leave right away. Pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and my blue silk pajamas. I'll be home in an hour to pick them up."
    The man rushes home to grab everything. He hugs his wife, apologizes for the short notice, and then hurries off.
    A week later, the man returns and his wife asks, "Did you have a good trip, dear?"
    The man replies, "Yep, the fishing was great...but you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas."
    His wife smiles and says, "Oh, no I didn't...I put them in your tackle box.
    #joke
    Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 10 December 2009
    • Currently 6.63/10

    Rating: 6.6/10 (63)

    In a fight between Batman and ...

    In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Chuck Norris.
    #joke #short #chucknorris
    Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 10 December 2011
    • Currently 3.27/10

    Rating: 3.3/10 (45)

    Aries Spears: Not a Millionaire

    Im at a very frustrating point in my career because Im not a millionaire. Like, people assume because youre in movies or TV, youre rich. Im not rich, but Im far from broke. Im what you call a thousandaire.
    #joke #short
    Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 10 December 2011
    • Currently 5.15/10

    Rating: 5.2/10 (13)

    Gifts For A Teacher #joke #humor

    A Stanford Medical research group advertised for participants in a study of obsessive-compulsive disorder. They were looking for therapy clients who had been diagnosed with this disorder.
    The response was gratifying; they got 300 responses the day after the ad came out.
    All from the same person.
    #joke
    Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 10 December 2011
    • Currently 2.42/10

    Rating: 2.4/10 (12)

    The Lawyer at the Pearly Gates

    Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into heaven, they would each have to answer one question.
    St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, “What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it.” The teacher answered quickly, “That would be the Titanic.” St. Peter let her through the gate.
    St. Peter turned to the garbage man and figuring heaven didn’t REALLY need all the odors this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: “How many people died on the ship?” But the trash man had just seen the movie, too, and he answered, “about 1,500.”
    “That’s right! You may enter,” said Peter.
    Then St. Peter turned to the lawyer and said, “Name them.”
    This joke was reprinted from "The Book of Catholic Jokes" by Deacon Tom Sheridan, with permission of ACTA Publications. Copyright 2008. All rights reserved.

    #joke #lawyer
    Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 10 August 2010
    • Currently 5.44/10

    Rating: 5.4/10 (34)

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