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Jokes of the day for Sunday, 23 December 2012

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Sunday, 23 December 2012

Christmas Bonus

Boss: Who said that just because I tried to kiss you at last month's Christmas party, you could neglect to do your work around here?

Secretary: My lawyer.

#joke #short #lawyer #christmas
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 2.90/10

Rating: 2.9/10 (10)

Ghosts are actually caused by ...

Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Source: Daily Chuck - Daily Chuck Norris Fact
  • Currently 6.63/10

Rating: 6.6/10 (8)

SLIDESHOW #28 - Funny Photo Slideshow

Best Diet

A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks,” he instructs her: “The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says: "Did you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nods: "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day," she says.

"From hunger, you mean?" the doctor asks.

XXXL

"No, from skipping."

#joke #blonde #doctor
  • Currently 4.17/10

Rating: 4.2/10 (6)

Funny video of the day - Meowing Mess

Meowing Mess - Cat Attacks Meowing Ladies - link to page video is posted initially.
  • Currently 2.60/10

Rating: 2.6/10 (5)

Calorie distribution

Veronica and Deborah decided to split a can of Diet Pepsi. Veronica opened the can, and poured half the contents into her own glass, and half into her friend's glass. Before tossing the can, she stopped to read the nutritional information on the side.

"Only one calorie per can," she read aloud.

"Hmm," murmured Deborah. "I wonder which glass has the calorie?"
#joke
Joke | Source: Really Funny Jokes - Really Funny jokes, adult jokes, Good jokes, short funny jokes, teacher jokes, affair jokes, kids jokes, doctor jokes, funny pictures
  • Currently 4.25/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (4)

Funny Photo of the day - Lemur Eating a Watermelon

Lemur Eating a Watermelon - yummy yummy Watermelon | Source : Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 6.50/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (4)

Pulling into the crowded parki...

Pulling into the crowded parking lot at the shopping center
rolled down the car windows to make sure my puppy had
fresh air. She was stretched full out on the back seat and I
wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I
walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car
and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me? "Stay!
Stay!"
The driver of a nearby car, a pretty young lady, gave
me a strange look and said, "Why don't you just put it in park?"

#joke
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 4.75/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (4)

Two vampire bats...

Two vampire bats are hanging upside down in a cave. One of the bats feels rather hungry. "Let's go and find some blood", he suggests.

"I don't think you can get any blood this time of the day", says the other bat. "Well, I want some blood and I want it now!", says the first bat and prepares to take off. "Are you coming or what?"

"Don't be stupid, you'll just waste your time", says the second bat. So the first bat flies anyway. After a few minutes he is back with blood smeared all over his face.

"Where did you manage to find blood this time of the day?", asks the second bat. "Well, do you see that tree out there?", says the first bat and points at a tree outside the cave, "Do you see that tree?"

"Yes", says the second bat, "of course I see it".

"Well, I didn't", replies the first.

#joke
  • Currently 3.50/10

Rating: 3.5/10 (2)

bumper sticker

We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.

#joke #short
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (6)

Three men walked in to a bar. ...

Three men walked in to a bar. You'd think one of them would have seen it!
#joke #short
Joke | Source: MHINTZ0929's Blog - New funny joke each day
  • Currently 5.56/10

Rating: 5.6/10 (9)

LIE DETECTOR ROBOT

Dad buys a LIE DETECTOR ROBOT which slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it at dinner.”Son, where were you today?” The son says “at school dad.” Robot slaps the son! “OK, I watched a DVD at my friends house!” “What DVD?” “Toy story.” Robot slaps the son again! “OK, it was a %&%*o”Dad yells “What! When I was your age I didn't know what %&%* was!” Robot then slaps the dad!Mom laughs “HAHAHA! He's certainly YOUR son.” Robot then slaps the mom….

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke Diary - Really Funny Jokes Daily
  • Currently 4.86/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (14)

An old man was sitting on a be...

An old man was sitting on a bench in the mall when a young man with spiked hair came over and sat down beside him. The boy's hair was bright yellow and green with orange tips, and he had blue makeup around his eyes. The old man kept looking at him. The boy said, "What's the matter, old man, haven't you ever done anything wild in your life?"
The old man answered, "Well yes, actually, I have. I got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 01 December 2009
  • Currently 6.28/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (81)

Three convicts were on the way...

Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time whilst stuck behind bars. On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"
The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail."
Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"
The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire and gin, and any number of games."
The third convict was sitting quietly aside grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"
The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. "I brought these."
The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?"
He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating..."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 23 December 2009
  • Currently 4.16/10

Rating: 4.2/10 (64)

Charlie Viracola: Believed in Santa

Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents.
#joke #short #christmas
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 23 December 2010
  • Currently 5.88/10

Rating: 5.9/10 (43)

Robert Schmidt 13

My uncle's an airline pilot ... kinda makes it difficult to hold the bottle though...

When my Dad came home last night, my mom fainted.

Don't tell anyone I said but we're live on national TV.

I broke a leg one time ... spilt coffee all over.

I bought this thing for my car. You put it on your car, it sends out this little noise, so when you drive through the woods, deer won't run in front of your car. I installed it backwards by accident. Driving down the street with a herd of deer chasing me. Those were the days.

That's a good thing to say to the police the next time they stop you. "License and registration, please." "Hermits have no peer pressure." "License and registration, please." "Whenever I think about the past, it just brings back so many memories." "License and registration, please." "There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot. Wouldn't you" say, Officer?" "License and registration, please." "What's another word for Thesaurus?" See the cop have a nervous breakdown. "I was just trying to give him a ticket."

I can't wait to be arrested and go all the way to the witness stand. "Do you swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you, God?" "Yes, you're ugly. See that women in the jury? I'd really like to sleep with her. Should I keep going or are you going to ask me questions?"

In the Roadrunner cartoon, the coyote has been chasing him for 25 years. I'd like to see him finally get right up to him and go "Sorry, I thought you were someone else."

Driving hasn't been the same since I installed the funhouse rearview mirrors. "What is that?"

Driving down the street at 150 miles per hour with a friend of mine on cruise control. Both of us in the back seat. The police pulled us over. They don't know who to arrest, nobody's driving. So, they arrested us both. I'm on the witness stand. You know the rest.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 23 December 2009
  • Currently 4.19/10

Rating: 4.2/10 (36)

What do you call a blonde with 1, 2 or 3 brain cells?

Q: What do you call a blonde with one brain cell?

A: Gifted.

Q: What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?

A: Pregnant.

Q: What do you call a blonde with more than two brain cells?

A: A golden retriever.

#joke #short #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 23 December 2010
  • Currently 5.71/10

Rating: 5.7/10 (28)

Hanukkah Songs That Never Quite Caught On:

- Oy to the World
- Schlepping through a Winter Wonderland
- Hava Negilah - The Megamix
- Bubbie Yetta Got Run Over by a Reindeer
- Enough with those Gosh Darn Jingle Bells Already...Sheez!
- Matzo Man (by the Lower East Side Village People)
- I Have a Little Dreidel (the Barking Dog Version)
- Come on Baby, Light My Menorah
- Deck the Halls with Balls of Matzos
- Silent Night? I Should Be So Lucky
submitted by leighli

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 23 December 2011
  • Currently 7.00/10

Rating: 7.0/10 (10)

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