Jokes of the day for Thursday, 28 February 2013

Put your money where your mouth is....

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the young man bragged replied. "Let's see what you got."

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."

Diagnostic Machine

A man without medicare or medical insurance injured himself playing tennis and couldn't afford to go to the doctor. A friend of his told him there was a wonderful new diagnostic machine at the drugstore and suggested he try it out.

So the man went down to the drugstore and poured the required urine sample into the machine. The machine whirred and hummed for fifteen seconds and spit out a piece of paper. The piece of paper said: You have tennis elbow. Here's how to treat it...

The man treated his tennis elbow according to the directions and it improved immediately. He was very impressed with the diagnostic machine but decided he was going to find out just how good it was, and if it could be fooled.

So he gathered and mixed together his own urine sample, his wife's, and some of his dog's feces. Then for good measure he masturbated into the cup.

He took this mixture down to the drugstore and poured it into the machine. The machine then whirred and hummed for five minutes. Just when he was thinking he'd broken it, out came the diagnosis.

It said:

Your dog has worms.

Your wife is pregnant, but don't worry, it's not yours.

And if you don't quit jerking off, you're never going to get rid of that tennis elbow.

“'I agree with you wh...

“'I agree with you wholeheartedly,' said the artichoke grower.”

Funny jokes-Glutton

A man purchased a brand new \\...

A man purchased a brand new $350,000.00 Lamborghini sports car. He took it out on the expressway to see just how fast his car would travel. The man accelerated past 100 mph and then an old man on a moped passed him up like he was standing still. The man in the sports car was amazed at the feat and accelerated so quickly he passed the old man on his moped like he was standing still too. Then as quickly as the man in his sports car passed the old man on his moped, the old man passed him up again just as quickly. The man in the sports car felt so intimidated that he accelerated as fast as he could and passed up the old man on the moped again. The old man on his moped once again passed up the sports car. Finally the man in his sports car could not believe his eyes, so he got past the old man on the moped and pulled over to the side of the expressway. The old man on the moped pulled over too. The man in the sports car got out and ran over to the old man on the moped and asked "How in the world could you get that moped to go near as fast as my new $350,000.00 sports car?" The old man on the moped was huffing and puffing and trying to catch his breath. He looked up and said "Mr., I'm so glad you pulled over because for the last 10 minutes my suspenders have been hooked on to the rear of your' bumper!"

Bloopers In The Church

The following are actual church bulletin board bloopers found in churches across the United States.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
Evening massage - 6 p.m.
The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.
Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door.
Ushers will eat latecomers.
The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.
The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."
During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."
Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.
Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"
The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.
Twenty-two members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.
A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir.
Hymn 43: "Great God, what do I see here?" Preacher: The Rev. Horace Blodgett
Hymn 47: "Hark! An awful voice is sounding"
On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: GOD IS GOOD Dr. Hargreaves is better.
Potluck supper: Prayer and medication to follow.
Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.
The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

What a boob

And God created woman and she had three breasts.

He then asked the woman,

'Is there anything you'd like to have changed?'

She replied,

'Yes, you could get rid of this middle breast?'

And so it was done, and it was good.

Then the woman exclaimed as she was holding that third breast in her hand,

'What can be done with this useless boob?'

And God created man.

Drinking Buddies

Two men are sitting next to each other in an Irish-style pub in New York City. They both order pints of Guinness. One of them turns to the other and says "So where are you from, then?"

"I'm from Ireland."

"Me too! I'll drink to that." They both finish their pints and order two more.

"Where in Ireland are you from?"

"Dublin."

"Me too! I'll drink to that." They both finish their pints and order two more.

"Where in Dublin are you from?"

"The East Side."

"The East Side? Me too! What a coincidence! I'll drink to that!" They both finish their pints and order two more.

"Where on the East Side are you from?"

"McDonagh Street."

"Me too! This is incredible! I'll drink to that."

As the bartender pours them another two pints, another customer at the bar says to him, "That's amazing! I can't believe they're from the same street in Dublin. What's going on?"

"Oh, it's nothing amazing," says the bartender,"it's just the Ferguson twins getting sloshed again."

T...

Two cannibals were sharing a meal together. One says to the other, "I don't like my mother-in-law." The other cannibal replies, "Just eat the vegetables."
Thanks to an Anonymous Fan

Chuck Norris built a time mach...

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Two prisoners are talking abou...

Two prisoners are talking about their crimes:

George: 'I robbed a bank, and they gave me 20 years'

Herman: 'Hmm. I killed a man, and I'm here for 3 days'

George: 'WHAT!? I rob a bank and get 20 years; you kill a man and get 3 days!?'

Herman: 'Yeah, it was a lawyer.'

Apple Does It Again!

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music.
The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup size, speaker size, and storage capacity.
This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about
men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

Popular Sayings, modified by the Internet

- Home is where you hang your @

- The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.

- A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.

- You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.

- Great groups from little icons grow.

- Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.

- C: is the root of all directories.

- Don't put all your hypes in one home page.

- Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.

- The modem is the message.

- Too many clicks spoil the browse.

- The geek shall inherit the earth.

- A chat has nine lives.

- Don't byte off more than you can view.

- Fax is stranger than fiction.

- What boots up must come down.

- Windows will never cease.

- In Gates we trust.

- Virtual reality is its own reward.

- Modulation in all things.

- A user and his leisure time are soon parted.

- Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.

- There's no place like http://www.home.com

- Know what to expect before you connect.

- Oh, what a tangled Web site we weave when first we practice.

- Speed thrills.

21 Bastille Day jokes

Bastille Day is the national day of France, which is celebrated on 14 July each year. Have fun with some revolutionary jokes!

What is the most important part of jokes about the French Revolution?
The execution.

Do you know that the French Revolution was kind of a pain in the neck?
But once it was over it was a weight off of some people’s shoulders.

What did the Aristocrat say when he heard the French Revolution happening in the streets?
"Oh! What a peasant surprise!"

Did you hear the one about Bastille Day?
It’s a riot.

Why is the French Revolution just like Prohibition?
They both got rid of Bourbon!

Why did King Louis despise the peasants?
He found them revolting.

What’s your funniest pickup line for Bastille Day?
"Hey girl, are you the French Revolution?
Because I keep imagining you sans-culottes!"

Have you ever seen the play about the French Revolution?
The scene with Marie Antoinette was perfectly executed.

Do you know that anyone can use our Bastille Day jokes?
It’s royalty free.

How do Americans celebrate Bastille Day?
By storming their wine cellar.

A kid was talking to his dad about Bastille Day. He said, "Isn’t that the day when everyone robs all the fish from the water?
" "Bass-steal day".

What do they call Independence Day in France?
A Royale-free with cheese!

Why is the rooster France’s national emblem?
It’s the only bird that still sings when it’s standing on a shit pile.

Have you heard about Bastille Day?
Its the last time the French showed any balls.

Why do French bakers always bake extra bread on Bastille Day?
Because they know everyone’s going to "storm" their bakery!/p>

What was the primary role of the aristocrats during the French Revolution?
They put their head into it.

Why don’t they play cards in France on Bastille Day?
Because everyone’s afraid of the "revolutionary" hand!

During the French Revolution, what was the executioner’s catchphrase?
"First come, first severed!"

Why are fireworks set off on Bastille Day?
It’s the only way to make a louder bang than the one made when they stormed the Bastille!

What is the difference between Bastille Day and the 4th Of July?
Bastille Day is just like the Fourth of July except it takes place in France and Americans don’t care about it!

A French nobleman’s estate was destroyed during the French Revolution.
The results were château-strophic.

Benefit of the ...

My grandma always gives me the benefit of the dote.