Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 27 March 2013

“Automatic machines t...

“Automatic machines that compete in sculling are rowbots.”

What Commandment?

A man was upset because he had lost his favorite hat. Instead of buying a new one, he decided that he would go to church that Sunday and steal one from the vestibule.

Unfortunately, the usher saw the man come in and before he could go into the vestibule, the usher led him to a pew, where the preacher was just beginning a sermon on the Ten Commandments.

After church, the man went up to the preacher and, shook his hand and said: "I want to thank you for saving my soul today. I came to church to steal a hat, but after hearing your sermon on the Ten Commandments, I changed my mind."

"Why, that's wonderful," the preacher said: "So the commandment 'Thou shalt not steal' changed your mind, did it?"

"No, it wasn't that commandment," the man said: "It was the one about adultery. It reminded me where I left my hat!"

Good jokes-Crystal ball

A new sofa...

An elderly woman entered a large furniture store and was greeted by a much younger salesman.

"Is there something in particular I can show you?" he asked.

"Yes, I want to buy a sexual sofa."

"You mean a sectional sofa," he suggested.

"Sectional, schmectional." she bitterly retorted. "All I want is an occasional piece in the living room!"

Great inventions

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven.

At the gates, Saint Peter tells Ford, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention of the car changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want in heaven."

So Henry Ford thinks about it and says, "I want to hang out with Adam, the first man."

So the guy at the gates points Adam out to Ford.

When Ford gets to Adam, Ford asks, "Hey aren't you the inventor of woman?"

Adam says, "Yes."

"Well," says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:

1) There is too much front end protusion

2) It chatters at high speeds

3) The rear end wobbles too much

4) and the intake is too close to the exhaust."

"Hmmmmm.." says Adam, "hold on".

So Adam goes to the celestial computer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results.

The computer prints out a slip of paper and Adam reads it.

He then says to Ford, "It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to the stellar computer, more men are riding my invention than yours."

Submitted by Curtis

Edited by calamjo

Hand Me Downs

Q: What do you say to a man with five penises?

A: Your jeans fit like a glove.

An acquaintance of mine who is...

An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her then-four-year-old daughter. On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. Be still, my heart, thought my friend, gee, my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps and be a doctor! Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"

The original title for Star Wa...

The original title for Star Wars was "Skywalker: Texas Ranger". Starring Chuck Norris.

Mom Would Never Say

Things Mom Would Never Say

1. "How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"
   
2. "Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too"
   
3. "Just leave all the lights on ... it makes the house look more cheery"
   
4. "Let me smell that shirt -- Yeah, it's good for another week"
   
5. "Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day"
   
6. "Well, if Timmy's mom says it's OK, that's good enough for me."
   
7. "The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here."
   
8. "I don't have a tissue with me ... just use your sleeve"
   
9. "Don't bother wearing a jacket - the wind-chill is bound to improve"
   

Jessi Klein: Sexy Librarian

I have brown hair and I wear these glasses, and I usually have my hair up in a bun, so the other thing guys have often said to me is, Youre like a sexy librarian. Youre like a sexy librarian type. Youre a sexy librarian. And Im like, Ive always thought of myself as more of a bookish whore. Sort of, you know, less of a nerd, more of a slut.

TWO tigers are walking through...

TWO tigers are walking through the jungle when the one at the back licks the behind of the one in front. The lead tiger turns and says: "Hey, cut it out." The other tiger says sorry and they continue on their way. Five minutes later the rear tiger licks the other's backside again. The front tiger gets angry, but the other tiger just apologises.
After another five minutes, he does it again. The front tiger turns and says: "What is it with you? I told you to stop." The other tiger says: "I really am sorry but I just ate a lawyer and I'm just trying to get the taste out of my mouth."

Never criticize someone unless...

Never criticize someone unless you walk a mile in his or her shoes, and then when you criticize them you'll be a mile away and have their shoes!

The Sklar Brothers: Andrew Dice Clay

Jason Sklar: After Dice performs for an hour its no longer a comedy room. Its a disaster area.
Randy Sklar: I dont want to say it was a disaster area, but FEMA showed up three weeks late.

The past didn't turn out like you wanted

Just because the past didn't turn out like you wanted it to, it doesn't mean your future can't be better than you ever imagined.

Ever go fishing?

A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.

The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did *I* get the ticket?"

"Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man.

"Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied.

The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch *all* the fish?"