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Jokes of the day for Thursday, 02 May 2013

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Thursday, 02 May 2013

“The inept psychic at...

“The inept psychic attempted clairvoyance but just couldn't get intuit.”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous jokes on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 3.17/10

Rating: 3.2/10 (6)

Glass Eye

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy you dessert to make it up to you."
They enjoy a wonderful dessert together, and afterwards, the woman invites him to the theater followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap...and stay for breakfast the next morning.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! Everything has been incredible!
"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No," she replies...

glasauge - glass eye

... "You just happened to catch my eye

#joke #food #breakfast #dessert #meal #drinks
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Originally taken from site that work no more - Get Frank - NZ's Online Men's Lifestyle Magazine for Fashion, Health, Lifestyle, Recreation Articles & Reviews, Funny jokes and photos updated daily
  • Currently 4.44/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (9)

One line jokes-So important

This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it.
(Advertising/Marketing Manager, United Parcel Service)
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Really Funny Jokes - Really Funny jokes, adult jokes, Good jokes, short funny jokes, teacher jokes, affair jokes, kids jokes, doctor jokes, funny pictures
  • Currently 4.75/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (4)

Funny Photo of the day - Nice earring

Nice earring - Does it come in pair? | Source : Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 6.60/10

Rating: 6.6/10 (5)

Possible IBM Acronyms


IBM: It's Being Mended
IBM: Inmense Ball of Muck
IBM: I Believe in Memorex
IBM: It's Better than Macintosh!
IBM: Idiots Built Me
IBM: Intense Bowel Movement
IBM: Inferior But Marketable?
IBM: I've Been Mislead
IBM: It's Better Manually
IBM: Infinitly Better Macintosh
IBM: Indefinitly Boggled Machine
IBM: I Bought a Mac
IBM: I Blame Microsoft.
IBM: I Bought Macintosh
IBM: I'll Buy Macintosh
IBM: I've Been Moved
IBM: I've Been Mugged
IBM: Incontinent Bowel Movement
IBM: Identical Blue Men
IBM: Idiotic Bit Masher
IBM: Idiots Become Managers
IBM: Incompatible Business Machines
IBM: Incredibly Boring Machine
IBM: Infernal Bloody Monopoly
IBM: Institute of Black Magic
IBM: Internal Beaurocratic Mess
IBM: International Brotherhood of Magicians
IBM: Intolerant of Beards and Mustaches
IBM: It'll Be Messy
IBM: It's Backwards, Man
IBM: Itty Bitty Machines
IBM: Itty Bitty Morons
IBM: It Barely Moves
IBM: I Buy Mainframes
IBM compatible - IBM contemptible

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 5.13/10

Rating: 5.1/10 (16)

Psychiatric Hotline

Hello, welcome to the psychiatric Hotline. If you are

obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependant, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and

6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what

you want, so please stay on the line so we can trace the

call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little

voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number

you press, no one will answer.

If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random.

If you are phobic, don't press anything.

If you are anal-retentive, please hold.

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 4.50/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (10)

Blonde E-Mail

How do you know when a blonde's been sending e-mail?

Envelopes in the disk drive.

Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 3.77/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (13)

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac...

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
#joke #short #chuck-norris #food #burger
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 31 May 2011
  • Currently 3.95/10

Rating: 3.9/10 (58)

Feels great...

A fellow wakes up one morning, singing and whistling to himself, "I feel great, just great". Goes down to greet his wife, and tells her, "I feel great, honey!"

She replies,. "Well you look terrible"!

He shakes his head and starts out to work thinking, "She's probably in a bad mood, can't appreciate my good feelings". Meets his best friend, Joe and says, "Joe, I feel great".

Joe looks at him and says "Jeez, you really look terrible"! At this point the fellow is becoming worried and wonders, "Maybe I've got some unusual disease or something." He quickly calls his physician and heads on over for an emergency consult. He tells the physician, "Doc, I feel great, but everyone is telling me I look terrible."

The physician replies, "Well, you do look terrible. Let me look this up." The physician consults his handbook (Merck, of course) and leafing through the pages mutters to himself: "Feels great, looks great, no that's not you". "Feels terrible, looks terrible, no that's not you". "Feels great, looks terrible...Yes that's you... "It says here you're a vagina!"

#joke #food #honey
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 02 May 2010
  • Currently 4.36/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (61)

Chuck Norris can skip water on...

Chuck Norris can skip water on a rock.
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 02 May 2012
  • Currently 3.51/10

Rating: 3.5/10 (57)

An Englishman wanted to become...

An Englishman wanted to become an Irishman, so he visited a doctor to find out how to go about this. "Well" said the doctor, "this is a very delicate operation and there is a lot that can go wrong. I will have to remove half your brain". "That's OK" said the Englishman. "I've always wanted to be Irish and I'm prepared to take the risk".
The operation went ahead but the Englishman woke to find a look of horror on the face of the doctor. "I'm so terribly sorry!!" the doctor said. "Instead of removing half the brain, I've taken the whole brain out". The patient replied, "No worries, mate!!"
#joke #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 02 May 2009
  • Currently 5.68/10

Rating: 5.7/10 (53)

Count from one to ten. That's ...

Count from one to ten. That's how long it would take Chuck Norris to kill you...47 times.
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 02 May 2011
  • Currently 3.06/10

Rating: 3.1/10 (17)

A Collection Of Insults

A brief synopsis... When you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! Jokes.


Missing a layer of insulation in his attic.
Monorail doesn't go all the way to Tomorrowland.
Mooring lines don't reach the dock.
More marbles in a spray-paint can than brains in his head.
Mouth is in gear, brain is in neutral.
Moves his lips to pretend he's reading.
Must have ignored a knock-down pitch.
Nearly on a higher plane, but lost his boarding pass.
Needs another brain to make half-wit.
Needs both hands to wipe his behind.
Needs front end alignment.
Needs his disk checked/reformatted.
Needs his sleeves lengthened by a couple of feet so they can be tied in the back.
Network constantly loses packets.
Neurons are firing non-sequentially.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 02 May 2010
  • Currently 3.67/10

Rating: 3.7/10 (15)

Three Irishmen and Three Scots are on a train

Three Scots and three Irishmen are traveling by train to a conference.

At the station, the three Irishmen each buy tickets and watch as the three Scots buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an Irishman.

"Watch and you'll see," answers a Scot.

They all board the train. The Irishmen take their respective seats but all three Scots cram into a bathroom and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the bathroom door and says,"Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.

The conductor takes it and moves on. The Irishmen see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Irishmen decide to copy the Scots on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money,and all that).

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Scots don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed Irishman.

Watch and you'll see," answers a Scot.

When they board the train the three Irishmen cram into a bathroom and the three Scots cram into another one nearby.

The train departs. Shortly afterwards, one of the Scots leaves his bathroom and walks over to the bathroom where the Irishmen are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

#joke
Joke | Source: Reddit Jokes: Get Your Funny On! - The funniest sub on reddit. Hundreds of jokes posted each day, and some of them aren't even reposts!
  • Currently 6.50/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (4)

People Change

My wife asked me, “Are you sometimes surprised as to how little people change?”

I said, “Actually, the process is the same. Apart from their tiny clothes.”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: John Chris - Funny jokes collected from all around
  • Currently 4.67/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (6)

A man asks his wife...

A man asks his wife, "What would you do if I won the lottery?" His wife says, "Take half and leave your ass!" The man replies, "Great! I won 12 bucks, here is six, now get out!"
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Laugh Factory Network - Watch our huge library of the best stand-up comedy videos, get information on our stand-up comedians, read our joke of the day
  • Currently 8.36/10

Rating: 8.4/10 (14)

Jokes Archive

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