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Jokes of the day for Friday, 10 May 2013

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 10 May 2013

Heaven and Hell

It was a Sunday and the preacher was addressing a mass in the church. During his sermon, the preacher broached the subject of Heaven and Hell, how good deeds allow you a place in Heaven and how bad deeds make you suffer in Hell. Finally done, the preacher commanded: “Raise your hands - those of you who want to go to heaven.”

Every one raised his hand except Dean and Martin. Father asked them: “What's wrong with the two of you? Don't you fancy heaven?”

Dean: “We do, we do. But we thought like you are taking us there right now and we are not ready yet.”
#joke #father
Joke | Source: Really Funny Jokes - Really Funny jokes, adult jokes, Good jokes, short funny jokes, teacher jokes, affair jokes, kids jokes, doctor jokes, funny pictures
  • Currently 3.50/10

Rating: 3.5/10 (4)

Chuck Norris drew the line and...

Chuck Norris drew the line and made Johnny Cash walk it.
Joke | Source: Daily Chuck - Daily Chuck Norris Fact
  • Currently 4.47/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (17)

“The ophthalmologist ...

“The ophthalmologist was called to testify because he was the only eye witness.”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous jokes on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 3.90/10

Rating: 3.9/10 (10)

Funny Photo of the day - Electrical Outlet Fail

Electrical Outlet Fail - What do you think when you see pigs nose? | Source : Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 7.57/10

Rating: 7.6/10 (7)

A preacher was walking down th...

A preacher was walking down the street when he notices a little boy trying to ring the doorbell but it's just out of his reach. he watches his efforts for some time and walks over to press the the bell. After he pressed it he leveled down to the boy and asked' "Now what?" to which the boy turned and shouted, "NOW WE RUN!!"
#joke
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 5.40/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (5)

Obituary

A woman goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is written. The obit. editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word. She pauses, reflects and then says, Well then, let it read "Fred Brown died."

Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor tells her that there is a 7 word minimum for all obituaries. Only a little flustered, she thinks thing over and in a few seconds says, In that case, let it read, "Fred Brown died: 1983 Pickup for sale."

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 4.13/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (8)

Knock Knock Collection 197


Knock Knock
Who's there?
X!
X who?
X for breakfast!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Xavier!
Xavier who?
Xavier your breath, I'm not leaving!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Xenia!
Xenia who?
Xenia stealing my sweets!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ya!
Ya who?
I didn't know you were a cowboy!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Yacht!
Yacht who?
Yacht a know me by know!

#joke #food #breakfast
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 3.33/10

Rating: 3.3/10 (3)

Marriage Counseling

A husband and wife came for counselling after 25 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into an angry tirade listing each and every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.
She went on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unloveable, a long list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their quarter century of marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist stood up, walked around his desk and, asking the wife to stand, embraced her and kissed her passionately on the mouth.
The woman shut up and, in a daze, quietly sat down;. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least seven times a week. Do you think you can do this?"
The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, Doc, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on the other days I play golf."

#joke #monday #sport #golf
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Originally taken from site that work no more - Get Frank - NZ's Online Men's Lifestyle Magazine for Fashion, Health, Lifestyle, Recreation Articles & Reviews, Funny jokes and photos updated daily
  • Currently 6.80/10

Rating: 6.8/10 (10)

Knock-knock...

Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Dishes.
Dishes who?
Dishes the police! Come out with your hands up!
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 25 November 2012
  • Currently 5.67/10

Rating: 5.7/10 (27)

The Dyslexic Rabbi

Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
A: He walks around saying "Yo."

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 10 February 2012
  • Currently 4.27/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (33)

Rainbows are what happens when...

Rainbows are what happens when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks Richard Simmons.
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 10 May 2012
  • Currently 3.28/10

Rating: 3.3/10 (64)

Chuck Norris does, in fact, li...

Chuck Norris does, in fact, live in a round house.
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 10 May 2011
  • Currently 3.11/10

Rating: 3.1/10 (63)

My kids love going to the...

My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.

I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and asked why it was so long.

"Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 10 May 2009
  • Currently 5.44/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (45)

Steven Wright 21

If the pen is mightier than the sword, in a duel I'll let you have the pen!

What do batteries run on?

Are there any questions?

I was cleaning out my closet and I found a swim suit that I had made out of sponges. I remember one time when I wore it. When I got out of the swimming pool nobody could go swimming until I came back.

I bought one of those little glass ball things with the snow in it. You know, you turn it upside down then you turn it back and it starts to snow. I bought one, except this has a snow plow that does it in rows.

[Later] I bought one of those little glass ball things with the snow in it... Just checking.

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

Why is it, "A penny for your thoughts," but, "you have to put your two cents in?" Somebody's making a penny.

My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.

#joke #lawyer #sport #swimming
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 10 May 2012
  • Currently 5.85/10

Rating: 5.9/10 (34)

Super Absorbed

A pediatrician is trying to put a 6-year-old patient, Timmy, at ease. He asks, "If you found a few dollars on the street, what would you buy?" Without hesitation, Timmy says, "A box of Tampax." Surprised, the doctor asks why. "Well," Timmy says, "it says on TV that with Tampax, you can go swimming, horseback riding, and skating anytime you want to!"
#joke #doctor #sport #swimming
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 10 May 2011
  • Currently 6.80/10

Rating: 6.8/10 (15)

A Smart Response

My wife and I were comparing notes the other day. 'I have a higher IQ, did better on my SAT's, and make more money than you,' she pointed out.
'Yeah, but when you step back and look at the big picture, I’m still ahead,' I said.
She looked mystified. 'How do you figure?'
'I married better,' I replied.

#joke
Joke | Source: Friars Club - For over 25 years the Sunshine Committee has been providing entertainment, companionship and love to children's and senior citizens centers in the NY area.
  • Currently 7.87/10

Rating: 7.9/10 (15)

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