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Jokes of the day for Thursday, 13 June 2013

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Thursday, 13 June 2013

Delirious

Where am I? How did I get here? Why does my head hurt?

You're in a hospital, sir. I'm with the police. We weren't sure you were going to wake up. You had a golf club wrapped around your neck. Just tell us everything you remember.

Well, I was teaching my wife golf. Of course, I won every hole. But on the little par 3, 17th hole, we both hit right to the green, and we both putted right to the pin.

When I walked to the flag, I saw one putt had overshot, but the other ball had apparently sunk. I didn't know whose it was, so I pulled the flag, looked in, saw it was her Spalding in there, and I said, "Looks like your hole, dear." That was the last thing I remember.

#joke
  • Currently 5.20/10

Rating: 5.2/10 (10)

Hilarious jokes-Finding a race winner

A rich racehorse businessman calls for the services of a geneticist, a physiologist and a physicist. He told them he would award a million dollars to the one who could accurately identify race-winning horses. After several weeks of working on the horses, they were ready with their conclusions to be reported to the billionaire.

The geneticist reported, "I've considered all the current genetic research, checked blood-lines going back several decades, but there are just too many behavioral and environmental factors to arrive at a definite conclusion."

The physiologist reported, "I've checked muscle mass, bone volume and density, and all the other factors I can think of, but it seems to be too complex. It is too difficult to predict a winner."

Finally, it is the physicist's turn who seems to be very relaxed and reports while handing an index card to the billionaire. "There you are," he says "I've found an equation that can identify a winning horse."

"Great!" exclaims the billionaire, "Do you want cheque or cash?"

"Err...there's one little thing that you should know," said the physicist. "It only works for a spherically symmetric horse running in a vacuum."
#joke
Joke | Source: Really Funny Jokes - Really Funny jokes, adult jokes, Good jokes, short funny jokes, teacher jokes, affair jokes, kids jokes, doctor jokes, funny pictures
  • Currently 5.67/10

Rating: 5.7/10 (6)

SLIDESHOW #95 - Funny Photo Slideshow

“I was caught studyin...

“I was caught studying the periodic table in English class. It was an elementary mistake.”

#joke #short
  • Currently 5.43/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (7)

Funny video of the day - The JET Bicycle - The most dangerous unsafe bike EVER

The JET Bicycle - The most dangerous unsafe bike EVER - An old womans bike built for shopping turned into a bomb inspired safety hazzard - link to page video is posted initially.
  • Currently 3.17/10

Rating: 3.2/10 (6)

Three moms

Three moms, a Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde, get together one afternoon.

They were all talking one day and the brunette says "Oh my gosh y'all I went through my daughter's purse the other day to get some gum, and I found an ounce of weed. I cannot believe she smokes weed"

They comfort her, and the redhead says "Yeah, well I found a fake I. D. In my daughter's purse. I cannot believe she has one". So they all comfort her.


Then the blonde says "That's nothing. I found a condom in my daughter's purse. I just cannot believe she has a penis"

#joke #blonde
  • Currently 5.43/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (7)

Funny Photo of the day - Offline Glass - The beer glass that only stands upright when balanced on your phone

Offline Glass - The beer glass that only stands upright when balanced on your phone - The new glass is meant to discourage drinkers from looking at their phones when they should be enjoying spending time with their friends | Source : Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 6.14/10

Rating: 6.1/10 (7)

A little girl was talking to h...

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though a whale is a very large mammal, its throat is very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him!"
#joke
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 6.25/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (12)

Two bachelors...

Two confirmed bachelors sat talking. Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking.

"I got a cookbook once," said the first, "but I could never do anything with it."

"Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?" asked the second.

"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - 'Take a clean dish and....'"

#joke
  • Currently 4.00/10

Rating: 4.0/10 (5)

Elephant Jokes 03


What' s grey, has four legs and jumps up and down?
An elephant on a trampoline!

What's grey and wrinkly and jumps every twenty seconds?
An elephant with hiccups!

What's grey and goes round and round?
An elephant in a washing machine!

What's grey and highly dangerous?
An elephant with a machine gun!

What's big and grey and lives in a lake in Scotland?
The Loch Ness Elephant!

What's big and grey and has 16 wheels?
An elephant on roller skates!

What goes up slowly and comes down quickly?
An elephant in a lift!

What's as big as an elephant but weighs nothing?
An elephant's shadow!


#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (7)

Reaching the end of a job inte...

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The Engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

And the interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."
#joke
Joke | Source: MHINTZ0929's Blog - New funny joke each day
  • Currently 5.73/10

Rating: 5.7/10 (44)

Chuck Norris is the only perso...

Chuck Norris is the only person in the world that can actually email a roundhouse kick.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 12 June 2011
  • Currently 3.94/10

Rating: 3.9/10 (16)

Female hormones in beer

Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.

To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.

#joke #short #beer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 13 June 2010
  • Currently 5.30/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (60)

Dane Cook: Time Travel

Know what I would like to do? Id travel back to when my mom and dad had sex to have me. And Id just run into the bedroom, right when theyre doing it, and just spank my dad on the ass: Im your son from the future!
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 13 June 2011
  • Currently 3.22/10

Rating: 3.2/10 (54)

A little head

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender can't help but stare at the guy because in contrast to his large muscles, the man has a head that is the size of an orange.

The bartender hands the guy his beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! But I have a question, why is your head so small?"

The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times. "One day," he begins, "I was hunting and got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help. I followed the cries and they led me to a frog that was sitting next to a stream."

"No shit?" says the bartender, thoroughly intrigued.

"Yeah, so I picked up the frog and it said, Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you three wishes."

"Keep going!"

I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.

She said, "You now have three wishes."

I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger."

She nodded, snapped her fingers, and POOF there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!

She then asked, "What will be your second wish?"

"What next?" begged the bartender.

I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream." She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We made love right there by that stream for hours!

Afterwards, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?"

I looked at her and replied, "How 'bout a little head?"

#joke #walksintoabar #beer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 13 June 2011
  • Currently 6.38/10

Rating: 6.4/10 (32)

Chuck Norris once round-house ...

Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 13 June 2011
  • Currently 3.76/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (21)

Porch or Lexus?

A blonde wanting to earn extra money decided to do odd jobs for her wealthy neighbors. At the first house, the owner said,"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?

"$50" she replies

The man agrees and gives her the paint and brushes and goes back in the house. The man's wife overheard their conversation and asked him if she had realized that the porch goes all around the house. "She should. She was standing on it"

A short time later the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You've finished already?" the man asked.

"Yeah, and i had paint left over so i gave two coats."

Impressed the man reaches for the money. "And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a porch. Its a Lexus."

#joke #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 13 June 2012
  • Currently 5.47/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (19)

If you want...

If you want someone who will bring you the paper without first tearing it apart to remove the sports section
Buy a dog.
If you want someone willing to make a fool of himself simply over the joy of seeing you
Buy a dog.
If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him and never says its not quite as good as his mother made it
Buy a dog
If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour, for as long and wherever you want
Buy a dog.
If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn't care about football, and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies
Buy a dog.
If you want someone who is content to get up on your bed just to warm your feet and whom you can push off if he snores
Buy a dog.
If you want someone who never criticises what you do, doesn't care if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin , young or old, who acts as if every word you say is especially worthy of listening to, and loves you unconditionally, perpetually
Buy a dog.
But, on the other hand, If you want someone who will never come when you call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair all over the place, walks all over you, runs around all night and only comes home to eat and sleep, and acts as if your entire existence is solely to ensure his happiness...
Then.................
Buy a cat...
#joke
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 8.60/10

Rating: 8.6/10 (10)

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