Jokes of the day for Thursday, 21 November 2013

We work by results...

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of New York City."

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and Enter the Kingdom." The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

Next it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years."

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom."

"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"

"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

“Why did the agricult...

“Why did the agricultural presentation go so smoothly? They planted questions.”

Outdone

A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of Morris, one of the older workers.

After several minutes, Morris had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said: "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied: "It's a bet! Let's see what you got."

Morris reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."

Collar size

How do dogs communicate in the...

How do dogs communicate in the modern world?
P-mail
And how do they tweet?
Wee-mail

What Has Caused It?

A drunk man who smelled like a beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was smeared with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began to read. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked 'Say Father, what causes arthritis?' The priest replies 'My son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol and comtempt for your fellow man' 'Well I'll be darned' the drunk muttered, returning to his newspaper.
The priest thinking about what he said, nudged the drunk and apologised. 'I'm sorry to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'
'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.'

Lose Weight Fast!

There one was a heavyset guy who had tried every diet in the

world in an attempt to lose weight? He tried the Scarsdale

diet, the Navy diet, Weight Watchers, and many more. None

worked. One day, he was reading the Washington Post when he

noticed a small ad that read:

Lose weight: Only $1.00 a pound

Call (202) 555-0238

The man decided to give it a try and called the number. A

voice on the other end asked, "How much weight do you want to

lose?"

The man responded, "Ten pounds."

The voice replied, "Very well, give me your credit card

number and we'll have a representative over to your house in

the morning."

About 9:00 am the next morning the man gets a knock on the

door. There stood a beautiful redhead, completely naked

except for a sign around her neck stating, "If you catch me,

you can have me."

Well,the hefty fellow chased her upstairs, downstairs, over

sofas, through the kitchen, all around the house. Finally,

panting and wheezing like a dog, he did catch her. When he

was through enjoying himself, she said, "Quick, go into the

bathroom and weigh yourself." He did just that and was amazed

to find that he had lost ten pounds, right to the ounce!

That evening he called the number again. The voice on the

other end asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?"--to

which the somewhat-less-overweight man replied, "Twenty

pounds." "Very well," the voice on the phone told him, "Give

me your credit card number and we'll have a representative

over to your house in the morning."

"At about 8:00 am the next morning the man receives a knock

on the door. When he opens the door he sees a beautiful

blonde dressed only in track shoes and a sign around her neck

stating, "If you catch me, you can have me." The chase took a

good while longer this time and the man nearly passed out,

but he finally did catch her. When he was through she told

him, "Quick, run into the bathroom and weigh yourself." He

ran to the bathroom and found he had lost another 20 pounds!

"This is fantastic!" he thought to himself.

Later that evening he called the number again and the voice

at the other end asked, "How much weight do you want to

lose?" "Fifty pounds!" the man exclaimed. "Fifty pounds?" the

voice asked, "That's an awful lot of weight to lose at one

time." The man replied, "Listen buddy, here's my credit card

number, you just have your representative over here in the

morning!" and he hung up the phone.

About 6:00 am the next morning the man gets out of bed,

splashes on some cologne and gets all ready for the next

representative. At about 7:00 am he gets a knock on the door.

When he opens the door, he sees this large gorilla with a

sign around his neck stating, "If I catch you, I am going to

have you."

Chuck Norris is the reason why...

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Interpreting the Commandments

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to 'honor thy father and thy mother' she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shalt not kill."

Two hikers were walking throug...

Two hikers were walking through central Pennsylvania when they came upon a 6 foot wide hole in the ground. They figured it must be the opening for a vertical air shaft from an old abandoned coal mine. Curious as to the depth of the hole, the first hiker picked up a nearby rock and tossed it into the opening. They listened... and heard nothing.
The second hiker picked up an even larger rock and tossed it into the opening. They listened... and still heard nothing. Then they both picked up an old railroad tie, dragged it to the edge of the shaft, and hurled it down. Seconds later a dog came running up between the two men and jumped straight into the hole. Bewildered, the two men just looked at each other, trying to figure out why a dog would do such a thing.
Soon a young boy ambled onto the scene and asked if either man had seen a dog around here. The hikers told him about the dog that had just jumped into the hole.
The young boy laughed and said, "That couldn't be my dog. My dog was tied to a railroad tie!"

The Bermuda Triangle used to b...

The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked one of the corners off.

Doug Mellard: Prophylactics

I remember one point, this older gentleman asked me for some prophylactics, and at that time, my sexual vocabulary wasnt that great, you know. So, Im checking my word bank for the closest thing I have to prophylactics. Closest thing I got -- pterodactyls. I was all confused. I was like, Excuse me, sir, I hate to break it to you, but those things have been extinct for 65 million years.

Degrees....

The graduate with a science degree asks,
'Why does it work?'

The graduate with an engineering degree asks,
'How does it work?'

The graduate with an accounting degree asks,
'How much will it cost?'

The graduate with a liberal arts degree asks,
'Do you want fries with that?'

Gynecologist Painter

One day, a painter found himself short of help and went to

the unemployment office to hire someone for the day.

When he arrived, they didn't have any painters available,

but they did have a gynecologist there. He reluctantly took

him along to help.

A couple of weeks later, the painter returned to the

unemployment office needing temporary help again. This time

there were two painters, but instead he asked for the

gynecologist again.

The clerk asked, "Why do you want a gynecologist when we

have two professional painters you can take right now?"

He said, "Two weeks ago when I hired the gynecologist, we

arrived at the house and it was locked with nobody home. But

I'll be damned if that gynecologist didn't stick his hand

through the mail slot and paint the whole house!"

Panic at the hotel

It was three o'clock in the morning, and the receptionist at a posh hotel was just dozing off, when a little old lady came running towards her, screaming. "Please come quickly," she yelled, "I just saw a naked man outside my window!"

The receptionist immediately rushed up to the old lady's room. "Where is he?" asked the receptionist.

"He's over there," replied the little old lady, pointing to an apartment building opposite the hotel. The receptionist looked over and could see a man with no shirt on, moving around his apartment. "It's probably a man who's getting ready to go to bed," she said reassuringly. "And how do you know he's naked, you can only see him from the waist up?"

"The dresser, honey!" screamed the old lady. "Try standing on the dresser!"