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Jokes of the day for Thursday, 12 December 2013

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Thursday, 12 December 2013

One line jokes-When baking

Include your children when baking your cookies.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Really Funny Jokes - Really Funny jokes, adult jokes, Good jokes, short funny jokes, teacher jokes, affair jokes, kids jokes, doctor jokes, funny pictures
  • Currently 2.50/10

Rating: 2.5/10 (8)

“Have you heard the j...

“Have you heard the joke about the bomb? It had no impact.”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous jokes on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 4.25/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (8)

Three immigrants to the U. S. ...

Three immigrants to the U. S. were just mastering the language. One was telling the others about the difficulty they were having in attempting to start a family. He said, "I think my wife must be impregnable." The second said," that's not the right word, she is inconceivable". To which the third replied, "You are both wrong she is unbearable."
#joke
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 4.78/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (9)

Funny Photo of the day - Trolley bag with skis

Trolley bag with skis - Right choice for winter travelers | Source : Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 5.40/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (10)

Brewery accident...

Brenda McCarthy is home making dinner for her husband Patrick when Tim Finnegan knocks at her door.

"May I come in, Brenda darlin'?" says Tim sadly, "I've somethin to tell ya."

"Of course, Tim, come in, but where's Patrick?" she asks.

"That's what I'm here to be tellin ya, Brenda," says Tim. "There was an accident down at the Brewery."

"Oh, God NO!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me....."

"I'm so sorry, darlin'" says Tim, his voice breaking, "Your dear husband Patrick is dead."

Brenda buries her face in her hands and asks tearfully "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was a terrible thing to see, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But tell me true, Tim, did he at least die quickly?"

Tim hesitated. "Well, no, darlin, not really, no."

"NO?"

"No, in fact he got out three times to pee."

#joke #food #dinner
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 3.75/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (8)

Blonde Brain Cells

Q: How do a blonde's brain cells die?

A: Alone.

Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 4.36/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (11)

Rectum

Johnny's teacher asked the class how their weekends were.

"Horrible," said Johnny. "A car hit my cat in the ass!"

"Rectum," said the teacher. "Say rectum."

"Rectum? Damn near killed 'em!"

Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 3.57/10

Rating: 3.6/10 (7)

Eating Out

This married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor.
The husband asks "I notice you've been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?"
"Yes" she replies. "He's my ex-husband and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."

Rome visit, June 2008 - 81

"That's remarkable" the husband replies. "I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long."

#joke #food #eating
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 29 January 2013
  • Currently 3.70/10

Rating: 3.7/10 (10)

Chuck Norris let the dogs out....

Chuck Norris let the dogs out.
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 15 July 2011
  • Currently 3.08/10

Rating: 3.1/10 (62)

Salvation by Annoyance

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 29 April 2011
  • Currently 5.06/10

Rating: 5.1/10 (48)

Answering Machine Message 250


(Darth Vader voice:) Speak, worm!

#joke #short #animal #worm
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 03 January 2011
  • Currently 2.22/10

Rating: 2.2/10 (9)

There was once a great actor, ...

There was once a great actor, who had a problem. He could no longer remember his lines. Finally after many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again. The director says,"This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You must walk onto the stage carrying a rose, you must hold the rose with just one finger and your thumb to your nose, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line... 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'" The actor is thrilled.All day long before the play he's practicing his line, over and over again. Finally the time came.
The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and with great passion, he delivered the line; "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress".
The theatre erupted, the audience screamed with laughter... and the director was steaming! "You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!"
The actor, quite bewildered, asked, "What happened, did I forget my line?" he asked.
"No!" the director screamed.... "You forgot the bloody rose!"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 12 December 2009
  • Currently 5.94/10

Rating: 5.9/10 (66)

Mike Birbiglia: Fear the Most

I was living with a girl for a while. We worried about different things. One day, I was like, What do you fear the most? And she was like, I fear youll meet someone else, and youll leave me, and Ill be all alone. And she was like, What do you fear the most? And I was like, Bears.
#joke #short #animal #bear
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 12 December 2010
  • Currently 5.44/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (43)

Efficiency Expert

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home."

"Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.

"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"

"Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked.

"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."

#joke #food #breakfast
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 12 December 2011
  • Currently 6.15/10

Rating: 6.1/10 (41)

Snowboarding Lesson

When you're 47 years old, you sometimes hear a small voice inside you that says: "Just because you've reached middle age, that doesn't mean you shouldn't take on new challenges and seek new adventures. You get only one ride on this crazy carousel we call life, and by golly you should make the most of it."
This is the voice of Satan.
I know this because recently, on a mountain in Idaho, I listened to this voice, and as a result my body feels as though it has been used as a trampoline by the Budweiser Clydesdales.
I am currently on an all-painkiller diet. "I'll have a black coffee and 250 Advil tablets" is a typical breakfast order for me these days.
This is because I went snowboarding.
For those of you who, for whatever reason, such as a will to live, do not participate in downhill winter sports, I should explain that snowboarding is an activity that is popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough.
These are of course young people, fearless people, people with 100 percent synthetic bodies who can hurtle down a mountainside at 50 miles per hour and knock down mature trees with their faces and then spring to their feet and go, "Cool."
People like my son. He wanted to try snowboarding, and I thought it would be good to learn with him, because we can no longer ski together.
We have a fundamental difference in technique: He skis via the Downhill Method, in which you ski down the hill; whereas I ski via the Breath-Catching Method, in which you stand sideways on the hill, looking as athletic as possible without actually moving muscles (this could cause you to start sliding down the hill).
If anybody asks if you're OK, you say, "I'm just catching my breath!" in a tone of voice that suggests that at any moment you're going to swoop rapidly down the slope; whereas in fact you're planning to stay right where you are, rigid as a statue, until the spring thaw.
At night, when the Downhillers have all gone home, we Breath-Catchers will still be up there, clinging to the mountainside, chewing on our parkas for sustenance.
So I thought I'd take a stab at snowboarding, which is quite different from skiing.
In skiing, you wear a total of two skis, or approximately one per foot, so you can sort of maintain your balance by moving your feet, plus you have poles that you can stab people with if they make fun of you at close range.
Whereas with snowboarding, all you get is one board, which is shaped like a giant tongue depressor and manufactured by the Institute of Extremely Slippery Things. Both of your feet are strapped firmly to this board, so that if you start to fall, you can't stick a foot out and catch yourself. You crash to the ground like a tree and lie there while skiers swoop past and deliberately spray snow on you.
Skiers hate snowboarders. It's a generational thing. Skiers are (and here I am generalizing) middle-aged Republicans wearing designer space suits; snowboarders are defiant young rebels wearing deliberately drab clothing that is baggy enough to cover the snowboarder plus a major appliance. Skiers like to glide down the slopes in a series of graceful arcs; snowboarders like to attack the mountain, slashing, spinning, tumbling, going backward, blasting through snowdrifts, leaping off cliffs, getting their noses pierced in midair, etc.
Skiers view snowboarders as a menace; snowboarders view skiers as Elmer Fudd.
I took my snowboarding lesson in a small group led by a friend of mine named Brad Pearson, who also once talked me into jumping from a tall tree while attached only to a thin rope.
Brad took us up on a slope that offered ideal snow conditions for the novice who's going to fall a lot: Approximately seven flakes of powder on top of an 18-foot-thick base of reinforced concrete.
You could not dent this snow with a jackhammer. (I later learned, however, that you COULD dent it with the back of your head.)
We learned snowboarding via a two step method:
Step One: Watching Brad do something.
Step Two: Trying to do it ourselves.
I was pretty good at Step One. The problem with Step Two was that you had to stand up on your snowboard, which turns out to be a violation of at least five important laws of physics.
I'd struggle to my feet, and I'd be wavering there and then the Physics Police would drop a huge chunk of gravity on me, and WHAM my body would hit the concrete snow, sometimes bouncing as much as a foot.
"Keep your knees bent!" Brad would yell, helpfully.
Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent? As if that would solve anything. I wanted to shout back, "Forget my Knees! Do Something About these Gravity Chunks!"
Needless to say my son had no trouble at all. None. In minutes he was cruising happily down the mountain; you could actually see his clothing getting baggier. I, on the other hand, spent most of my time lying on my back, groaning, while space-suited Republicans swooped past and sprayed snow on me.
If I hadn't gotten out of there, they'd have completely covered me; I now realize that the small hills you see on ski slopes are formed around the bodies of 47-year-olds who tried to learn snowboarding.
So I think, when my body heals, I'll go back to skiing. Maybe sometime you'll see me out on the slopes, catching my breath. Please throw me some food.
#joke #policeman #food #breakfast #drinks #coffee #sport #skiing
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 7.54/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (13)

A nursery school teacher was d...

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children fell to discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."
#joke #animal #dog
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 8.36/10

Rating: 8.4/10 (14)

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