Jokes of the day for Friday, 20 December 2013
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 20 December 2013 |
Ugliest baby
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!''
The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''
Funny jokes-Lies of a Graduate student
1. No really, I'll be out of here in only two more years.
2. My job prospects look really good.
3. The department is giving me so much support.
4. I just have one more book to read and then I'll start writing.
5. I turned down a lot of great job offers to come here.
6. Your latest article was so inspiring.
7. I would never date an undergraduate.
8. My work has a lot of practical importance.
9. I'd be delighted to proofread your book/article.
10. It doesn't bother me at all that my college roommate is making $80,000 a year on Wall Street.
“Did you hear about t...
“Did you hear about the lost sausage? It was the missing link.”
Funny video of the day - Jimmy Kimmel’s Clip of the Year 2013
Q: Why do ducks have webbed fe...
Q: Why do ducks have webbed feet?A: To stamp out forest fires.
Q: Why do elephants have flat feet?
A: To stamp out burning ducks.
I believe...
A Scottish atheist was spending a quiet day fishing in the lake when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat at least a hundred feet into the air. It then opened its mouth waiting below to swallow them both.
As the Scotsman sailed head over heels and started to fall towards the open jaws of the ferocious beast, he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!"
Suddenly, the scene froze in place and as the atheist hung in midair, a booming voice came out of the clouds and said, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!"
"God, come on, give me a break!" the man pleaded, "Just seconds ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"
rude jerk
this guy walked into a lounge, and this was one of those type of guys that's bold and rude and will say about anything to a woman, you know the type, and he noticed this attractive lady siting by her self. the guy walks over and sits down beside her and says, you know baby, i would kinda like to get in your pants. unshaken by his rude comment, the lady calmly looks around at the guy and says, I already have one asshole in my pants, why would I need another one?A Moral Question
One man said to another, "I didn't sleep with my wife before I got married. How about you?"
The man replied, "I don't know. What was her maiden name?"
Cat Jokes 09
Q: What does a lion brush his mane with?
A: A catacomb!
Q: What noise does a cat make going down the highway?
A: Miaooooooooooooooooooow!
Q: What do you get if cross a cat with a canary?
A: Shredded tweet!
Q: Why do tomcats fight?
A: Because they like raising a stink!
Q: Why is a crazy marmalade cat like a biscuit?
A: They are both ginger nuts!
Q: What is white, sugary, has whiskers and floats on the sea?
A: A catameringue!
Q: On what should you mount a statue of your cat?
A: A caterpillar!
Q: What do you get if cross a Tomcat with a Pekingese?
A: A Peking Tom!
A man walked into a bar, s...
A man walked into a bar, sat down, ordered 3 shots of whiskey, drank them, then left. This continued daily for several weeks.
Curious, the bartender asked him one day, "Why do you always order three shots of whiskey?"
The man answered, "Because my two brothers and I always used to have one shot each, and since they've both passed on, I've continued to order the three shots in their honor."
The bartender thought that this was a very noble thing to do, and welcomed the man every time he visited the bar.
Two weeks later, the man walked into the bar for his daily visit and ordered two shots of whiskey. Surprised, the bartender asked him why he only ordered two when had had always been ordering three.
The man answered, "Oh, I've decided to stop drinking."
Bad weather
This old man went to a whorehouse and said to the manager that he wanted something different.So the manager sent him up to room "69".
He got in there and this woman named Hurricane Sally stripped him down and began working wonders.
Suddenly she pissed on his stomach, he asked, "What the hell was that?"
She replied, "That is the cooling rain falling all over you."
She got at it again and farted in his face.
He said, "What the hell was that?"
She then again replied, "That is the warm ocean winds blowing."
Suddenly the man got up and started to get dressed.
Hurricane Sally said, "Where are you going?"
He said, "Hell, a man can't fuck with this kind of weather!"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Siblings
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to “honor” thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?”
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, “Thou shall not kill.”
Flat tyre
This couple out on a date get a flat while driving along on a snowy night. He goes out to change the tire, but doesn't have any gloves so before long he comes back in, job half-done, with blue hands."Put your hands between my legs to warm them up," says she. So he does, and goes back out to the flat tire. It's so cold, he has to come back in one more time to warm up his hands, again at her invitation, between her legs.
He finally finishes the job and comes back into the car triumphant and puts the key into the ignition.
She looks at him and says, "Aren't your ears cold?"
With Good Claus
Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soots him.
A wife comes home late at nigh...
A wife comes home late at night from being out of town and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.
As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
"Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say 'hello'?"