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Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 26 March 2014

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Wednesday, 26 March 2014

Working in The Garden

A prisioner in jail received a letter from his wife:
"I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?"
The prisioner, knowing that the prison guards read all the mail, replied in a letter:
"Dear Wife, whatever you do, DO NOT touch the back garden! That is where I hid all the gold."
A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife:
"You wouldn't believe what happened. Some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up the whole back garden."
The prisoner wrote another letter:

"Dear wife, NOW is the best time to plant the lettuce!"

  • Currently 7.30/10

Rating: 7.3/10 (10)

“When milking a nervo...

“When milking a nervous goat, kid gloves should be used.”

#joke #short
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Rating: 5.5/10 (6)

SLIDESHOW #104 - Funny Photo Slideshow

The fussy customer

Peter, the baker was about to call it a day when a man rushes into his bakery.

"I want to have a cake made right now!" the man exclaims.

"Well, I'm sorry," replies Peter. "But I was just closing shop. My staff has left, all my machines have been turned off. I'm afraid you'll have to come back tomorrow."

The man insisted, "I cannot wait till tomorrow. It's absolutely essential that this cake be made right now!"

Now, Peter hated to turn a customer back, so he says, "Let me see what I can do." He goes inside and turns all his machinery back on. He then comes back to the counter and ties on his apron. "Okay, what do you want?"

The man takes out a sketch from his pocket and shows it to Peter. There is a nicely drawn image of a cake." It has to look just like this," says the man. "Exactly one foot wide, eight inches long, and six inches tall. White frosting, light blue icing, and a green cursive "R" in the middle. Just like this."

Somewhat taken aback, Peter ponders the sketch for a few moments and replies. "I think I can do that. I will have it ready in about an hour."

"An hour!" exclaims the man. "That's will be a problem. I need this in 30 minutes."

"30 minutes?" responds Peter. "I'm not sure I can do that. I suppose I might be able to get it done that fast if I used some pre-made dough. The taste will not be as good though..."

The man replies while checking his watch frantically "I don't care. Just get it done."

So Peter goes back and makes the cake. He works harder and faster than he ever done before, and manages to produce the cake in just about half an hour. He presents it to the man fresh out of the oven. "Will this be adequate?" he asks.

The man takes a measuring tape from his pocket. He checks the length, width, and height very carefully. He then compares it to the sketch. Suddenly, a look of horror comes across his face. "Oh no!" he exclaims. "The 'R' is the wrong shade of green! It has to be the same shade as the sketch. Oh, what will I do now?"

"Relax," says Peter. "If the shade really is a problem I think I can re-ice it. It may take a few more minutes."

"You think you can?" asks the man anxiously. "Well then, please do it fast!"

So the baker quickly takes the cake back and puts on a new "R". A few moments later, he brings it back to man. "There you are. Is this what you wanted?" he asks.

Once again the man examines the cake, checking every detail. He compares the shades of green, and this time decides they're all right. "Okay" says the man quickly, "this is good. Can I pay you now."

"Of course," says Peter, quickly readying the cash register. "The boxes we have available are all over here. You can take your pick."

"Oh no, that won't be required," answers the man. "I'll eat it here."
Joke | Source: Really Funny Jokes - Really Funny jokes, adult jokes, Good jokes, short funny jokes, teacher jokes, affair jokes, kids jokes, doctor jokes, funny pictures
  • Currently 5.50/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (6)

Funny video of the day - Loading Fish on Truck Fail

Loading Fish on Truck Fail - A Visco forklift operator fails to load a tank with fresh fish onto a truck in the city of Urk, the Netherlands… - link to page video is posted initially.
  • Currently 5.18/10

Rating: 5.2/10 (11)

Reasonable doubt...

Scene: A court room in Oklahoma where a person is on trial for murder.

There is strong evidence indicating guilt; however, there is no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client is guilty and that it looks like he'll probably be convicted, resorts to a clever trick. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer says as he looks at his watch. "Within 1 minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this court room," he says and he looks toward the courtroom door.

The jury, somewhat stunned, all look on eagerly. A minute passes. Nothing happens. Finally the lawyer says: 'Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

The jury, clearly confused, retires to deliberate. A very few minutes later, the jury returns and a representative pronounces a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" inquires the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."

Answers the representative: "Oh, we did look. But your client didn't."

#joke #lawyer
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Funny Photo of the day - Bicycle for the boss

Bicycle for the boss - Will the boss ride it? | Source : Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
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Rating: 5.0/10 (9)

Red Fire Fighter

There are four wheels and eight men on a fire engine.
Four and eight makes 12.
There are 12 inches in a ruler.
Queen Elizabeth is a ruler.
The Queen Elizabeth was a ship.
Ships sail in the sea.
The sea has fish.
Fish have fins.
The Finns are always fighting the Russians.
Russians are known as "red".
Fire engines are always rushin', and that's why they're red.

Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (6)


'You know, honey,' the little old lady said. 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were 50 years ago.'

'I'm not surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your porridge.'

#joke #short
  • Currently 6.17/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (6)

Ninjas want to grow up to be j...

Ninjas want to grow up to be just like Chuck Norris. But usually they grow up just to be killed by Chuck Norris.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 29 August 2011
  • Currently 4.67/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (12)

Animal Orgasms

A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening; she was knitting, he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry. He looks up from the page and says to her,

"Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?"

She looks at him wistfully, smiles, and replies, "Oh yeah? Why don't you prove it."

He frowns for a moment, then says, "Okay."

He then gets up and walks out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face.

About a half an hour later, he returns all tired and sweaty and proclaims, "Well I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig's always squealing, how can you tell?"

Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 26 March 2011
  • Currently 4.95/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (55)

A man walks into a bar and say...

A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye." The bartender says, "Yeah, right! I've never seen anyone do that!" So the man takes out his glass eye and bites it.
The angry bartender pays the man his fifty dollars and the man walks away. He comes back half an hour later and says, "I bet you fifty dollars I can bite my left eye." Now the bartender becomes really skeptical. She says, "I just saw you walk in here -- you can't be blind!" So he takes out his fake teeth and bites his left eye. The bartender pays him his money and he walks away.
#joke #walksintoabar
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 26 March 2010
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (49)

A woman is walking on the road...

A woman is walking on the road and a voice shouts out, "Don't take a step further." She obeys and suddenly a ton of bricks fall on the place where she would have otherwise been. She thinks she imagined it and keeps walking until suddenly the voice calls out again. "Don't take a step further." She stops and a car skids past. Then suddenly she hears the voice saying "I am your guardian angel, and I will warn you before something bad happens to you. Now do you have any questions to ask me?" Yes! Shouts the woman, "Just where were you on my wedding day!"
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 26 March 2010
  • Currently 6.72/10

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What's round and bad tempered?

What's round and bad tempered? A vicious circle.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 26 March 2010
  • Currently 5.82/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (45)

Talking Baby

A baby was born with the ability to talk.
The first thing he said when he was born was, "Are you my mom?"
"Why, yes!" his mother said. "I am!"
"Well," the baby said, "I wanted to thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born." Then he looks around the room and says, "Are you my doctor?"
"Yes, I am!" says the doctor.
"Well, I just wanted to thank you," says the baby, "for taking such good care of me during the delivery."
"You're very welcome," says the doctor.
The baby looks around the room and says, "Hey, are you my father?"
Overcome with pride, his dad says, "Yes, I am!"
The baby says, "Come here for a minute. I want to show you something. Bend down." The father complies, and the baby starts poking him in the forehead. "How does that feel?! Hurts, doesn't it?"

#joke #doctor
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Guys who drive in re...

“Guys who drive in retractable convertibles with remote control often hoodwink others!”

#joke #short
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Rating: 6.2/10 (6)

I'm your best friend!

A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shots of whiskey. One of his friends happens to come into the bar and sees him. "Lou," says the shocked friend, "what are you doing? I've known you for over fifteen years, and I've never seen you take a drink before. What's going on?"

Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man replies, "My wife just ran off with my best friend." He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp.

"But," says the other man, "I'm your best friend!"

The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes, smiles, and then slurs, "Not anymore! He is!"

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Don't take life too seriously

Don't take life too seriously. You will not get out of it alive.
#joke #short
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Rating: 6.5/10 (4)

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