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Jokes of the day for Thursday, 03 April 2014

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Thursday, 03 April 2014

Crash and Burn

Two men got out of their cars after they collided at an intersection. One took a flask from his pocket and said to the other, "Here, maybe you'd like a nip to calm your nerves."
"Thanks," he said, and took a long pull from the container. "Here, you have one, too," he added, handing back the whiskey.

New flask!

"Well, I'd rather not," said the first. "At least not until after the police have been here."

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Originally taken from site that work no more - Get Frank - NZ's Online Men's Lifestyle Magazine for Fashion, Health, Lifestyle, Recreation Articles & Reviews, Funny jokes and photos updated daily
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (3)

Funny jokes-Strange request

Sammy went to a carpenter and said, "I need a box that is two inches high, two inches wide, and fifty feet long. You think you can make it?"

"Well..." mused the carpenter. "I can do it....but I wonder what would you want a box like that for?"

"It is like this," said Sammy, "my friend moved to a new neighborhood and forgot some things, so he asked me to send him his garden hose."
#joke
Joke | Source: Really Funny Jokes - Really Funny jokes, adult jokes, Good jokes, short funny jokes, teacher jokes, affair jokes, kids jokes, doctor jokes, funny pictures
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (4)

“I used to have a fea...

“I used to have a fear of boats, but that ship has sailed.”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous jokes on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 6.00/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (7)

Funny Photo of the day - Camera stand - cheap edition

Camera stand - cheap edition - Good enough as long as no one calls you | Source : Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (8)

A famous scientist developed a...

A famous scientist developed a formula to bring statues to life.
He went to a local park to try it out on a statue of Gen. Ulysses Grant.
After application, Gen Grant began to move and soon was completely alive.
The scientist asked, "What's the first thing you'll do, General?"
The general answered while drawing his pistol "I'm going to kill about a million damn pigeons!"
#joke
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (4)

Speeding ticket or....

The Policeman recently stopped a woman for exceeding the posted speed limit. He asked the driver her name.

She said, "I'm Mrs. Ladislav Abdulkhashim Zybkcicraznovskaya from the Republic of Uzbekistan visiting my daughter in Tallahassee."

The cop put away his summons book and pen, and said, "Well... OK... but don't let me catch you speeding again."

#joke #policeman
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 3.40/10

Rating: 3.4/10 (5)

Must Be Out Of Shape


The Top Signs You're Out of Shape

  1. You've ever torn something just trying to turn off the alarm clock.
  2. People at work only refer to you by saying "Hey fatso!"
  3. You've thrown your back out by carrying a bag of groceries.
  4. Random strangers come up, poke you in the stomach and expect you to giggle.
  5. Your record is 34 Pushups and you could have done more if the Ice Cream Man would have taken plastic.
  6. You get the Christmas gift of Jigglin' To The Oldies.
  7. You cramp up while watching the New York City Marathon.
  8. Watching Rocky 5 is your idea of a workout video.
  9. The sales clerk nicely but firmly pulls you away from the jeans rack and whispers "Its Sansabelt Time, Tubby"


#joke #christmas
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 2.20/10

Rating: 2.2/10 (5)

Campfire tales

Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire.

The youngest cowboy says, "Last week, a mammoth bull gored 10 men on the range, but I stepped in and wrestled it to the ground with nothing but my bare hands."

Not wanting to be outdone, the second cowboy says, "That's nothing. Two days ago, I was attacked by a 10-foot rattler, but I caught it in mid-strike and ripped off its head with my teeth."

The oldest cowboy just sits there quietly, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.

Submitted by Curtis

Edited by Calamjo

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 3.83/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (6)

Redneck Sex Ed

Why did the redneck school stop teaching sex ed?

They needed the car for driver's ed.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 2.67/10

Rating: 2.7/10 (6)

The leading causes of death in...

The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart disease, 2. Chuck Norris, 3. Cancer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 12 January 2012
  • Currently 4.03/10

Rating: 4.0/10 (39)

A bishop, a boy scout and the ...

A bishop, a boy scout and the Brain of Britain were passengers in a small plane. The pilot announced serious trouble and asked everyone to leave the aircraft. However, there were only two parachutes, so the bishop suggested that as he was the oldest, he should stay behind. The scout said: "Don't worry sir! There are still two parachutes. The Brain of Britain has jumped using my haversack!"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 03 April 2010
  • Currently 4.36/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (53)

The Bronze Statues


A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.
"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it."
"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat."
The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt.
No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.
Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.
"Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner.
"No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze lawyer."

#joke #lawyer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 03 April 2010
  • Currently 5.66/10

Rating: 5.7/10 (50)

A passerby noticed a couple of...

A passerby noticed a couple of city workers working along the city sidewalks. The man was quite impressed with their hard work, but he couldn't understand what they were doing. 
Finally, he approached the workers and asked, "I appreciate how hard you're both working, but what the heck are you doing? It seems that one of you digs a hole, and then the other guy immediately fills it back up again. 
One of the city workers explained, "The third guy who plants the trees is off sick today."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 03 April 2010
  • Currently 6.47/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (43)

Dumb Instructions

“Warning: May contain nuts.” — On a package of peanuts.

“Do not eat.” — On a slip of paper in a stereo box, referring to the styrofoam packing.

“Access hole only — not intended for use in lifting box.” — On the sides of a shipping carton, just above cut-out openings which one would assume were handholds.

“Warning: May cause drowsiness.” — On a bottle of Nytol, a brand of sleeping pills.

“Warning: Misuse may cause injury or death.” — Stamped on the metal barrel of a .22 calibre rifle.

“Do not use orally after using rectally.” — In the instructions for an electric thermometer.

“Turn off motor before using this product.” — On the packaging for a chain saw file, used to sharpen the cutting teeth on the chain.

“Not to be used as a personal flotation device.” — On a 6×10 inch inflatable picture frame.

“Do not put in mouth.” — On a box of bottle rockets.

“Please remove before driving.” — On the back of a cardboard windshield (for keeping the car from getting too hot when parked).

“Remove plastic before eating.” — On the wrapper of a Fruit Roll-Up snack.

“Not dishwasher safe.” — On a remote control for a TV.

“For lifting purposes only.” — On the box for a car jack.

“Do not put lit candles on phone.” — On the instructions for a cordless phone.

“Warning! This is not underwear! Do not attempt to put in pants.” — On the packaging for a wristwatch.

“Do not recharge, put in backwards, or use.” — On a battery.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 03 April 2012
  • Currently 4.98/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (42)

Easter Bunny

Q: Why does the easter bunny hide his eggs? A: He doesnt want anyone to know hes f**king chickens.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 03 April 2010
  • Currently 5.27/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (37)

17 Kangaroo jokes to celebrate Hug an Australian Day

What do stylish kangaroos wear?
Jumpsuits

What did the train conductor say to the kangaroo?
“Hop on!”

What animal jumps when it walks and sits when it stands?
A kangaroo

What’s a kangaroo’s favorite candy?
Lollihops

What do you get if you cross a kangaroo and a sheep?
A woolly good jumper

What kind of music do kangaroos listen to?
Hip-hop

What kind of music do sophisticated kangaroos listen to?
Hopera

What do drunk kangaroos play?
Hopscotch

What do you call two kangaroos who live together?
Roo-mates

Why do mother kangaroos hate rainy days?
Because then the kids have to play indoors

What do you get when you mix an elephant and a kangaroo?
Big holes all over Australia

A spider, a snake, and a kangaroo walk into a bar...
It’s a normal day in Australia

A kangaroo is hopping around Australia

Whenever she stops, a little penguin pokes his head out of her pouch

In Antarctica, a little kangaroo is sitting with some penguins, sneezing and grumbling, “Stupid student exchange program

” A kangaroo, a dolphin, and a snake walk into a bar...
That’s all

It’s funny since none of them actually walk

Kangaroo: [dials 9-1-1] I can’t find my kids! 9-1-1: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: [pats pouch] Oh...
nevermind

#joke #HuganAustralianDay
Joke | Source: John Chris - Funny jokes collected from all around
  • Currently 9.00/10

Rating: 9.0/10 (5)

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