Jokes of the day for Sunday, 06 April 2014

New secretary

Trip to Alcatraz...

A couple with three children waited in line at San Francisco's Pier 41 to purchase tickets for a boat trip to Alcatraz. Others watched with varying degrees of sympathy and irritation as the young children fidgeted, whined, and punched one another. The frazzled parents reprimanded them to no avail.

Finally they reached the ticket window. "Five tickets, please," the father said. "Two round trip, three one way."

Men and women

What is the difference between men and women?

A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need.

A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

Submitted by Curtis

Edited by Calamjo

Eating Right

A man visits his doctor with celery stalks stuck in each ear and a carrot stick up each nostril.

He mumbles, "Doc, I'm just not feeling well."

The doctor replies, "Maybe you're not eating right."

Hard shot

Bob stood over his tee on the 18th hole for what seemed like forever. He'd waggle, look down, look up, but never start his back swing. Finally David, his playing partner, asked, “Why on Earth are you taking so long to make this shot?”

“My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse, and I want to make this shot a good one,” said Bob.

“The linen shop gave ...

“The linen shop gave their employees free bedding. Even their accountant had his own handmade spread sheet.”

Get Me Off This Train

One day a man took the train from Paris to Frankfurt. When he got in he said to the ticket man:
"Sir. I really need you to do me a favor, I have to get down this train in Mannheim, but I'm very tired and it is for sure that I will fall asleep. So what I want you to do is that you wake me up in Mannheim because I have to close a business there and it is very important for me. Here you have 100 francs for the favor. But I warn you sometimes when people wake me up I get really violent, but no matters what I do or say you got to get me out of this train in Mannheim. Is that clear?"
So the ticket man agreed and took the 100 francs. Later as the man had said he fall asleep, and when he woke up he realized that he was in Frankfurt. He was so mad at the ticket man that he ran over and started yelling at the ticket man.
"Are you stupid or something??? I paid you 100 francs so that you wake me up in Mannheim. And you didn't, so I want my money back!"
While the man was yelling at the ticket guy, two other guys that were also in the train were looking at them, so one turns to the other and says to him:
Man 1: "Look at this guy! He is mad!"
Man 2: "Yeah! He's almost as mad as the guy they made get out of the train in Mannheim."

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minut...

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

Hahahahahaha

The joke is:























!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Maria Bamford: Fulfilling Potential

Im afraid that fulfilling my potential would really cut into my sitting around time.

This reminds me of something y...

This reminds me of something yesterday at work. A colleague was relating a conversation he had with his young daughter, just a bit over 2 years old. They were discussing geography and…
“Where does mommy live?”
“Minneapolis.”
“Where does grandma live?”
“Baltimore.”
“Where does grandpa live?”
“Baltimore.”
“And where does daddy live?”
“At work!”
Needless to say, he took the morning off that next […]

Truman at the Washington Garden Club....

Harry Truman was known for his blunt manner of speaking. When he made a speech at the Washington Garden Club, he kept referring to the "good manure" that needed to be used on the flowers.

Some society women complained to his wife, Bess. "Couldn't you get the President to say 'fertilizer'?" they asked.

Mrs. Truman replied, "Heavens, no! It took me twenty-five years to get him to say 'manure.'"

I was visiting my daughter las...

I was visiting my daughter last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

"This is the 21st century," she said. "We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, use my iPad.".

I can tell you this... That fly never knew what hit him!

Magic Window

Two guys are sitting at a bar.

"You know why I love this bar?" asks the first one.

"No," says the second guy. "Why do you love this bar?"

The first guy points at the window, which is six stories above the ground. "It has a magic window," he says. "You jump out of that window, and you can fly."

The second guy just shakes his head. "Shut up."

"No," says the first guy. "It really is a magic window. I'll prove it to you."

So the first guy gets down from his bar stool, runs at the window, jumps out of it, and flies. He flies around the building twice, up and down, and finally comes back in. He walks to his barstool, and takes a sip of his drink. "See?" he says.

The first guy looks confused. He looks at his drink. "I must be drunk," he says.

"Still don't believe me?" asks the second guy. "I'll show you again." He gets down from his stool, runs and jumps out of the window again. This time he performs some impressive aerial acrobatics, spins, flips, dives. When he finally comes back in, the second guy is staring at him, slack-jawed.

"Wow," says the second guy. "A magic window." He gets off his barstool, takes a running jump out of the window, and promptly plummets to his death. The first guy starts laughing.

The bartender comes over to the first guy with a stern look on his face. "Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk."

At The End of Your Rope?

There were eleven people hanging onto a rope that came down from a plane. Ten were blonde, and one was a brunette. They all decided that one person should get off because if they didn't, then the rope would break and everyone would die. No one could decide who should go, so finally the brunette said, "I'll get off." After a really touching speech from the brunette saying she would get off, all of the blondes started clapping.
(Problem solved.)