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Jokes of the day for Monday, 07 April 2014

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 07 April 2014

Kiss

At a dinner party, the speaker who was the guest of honor, was about to deliver his speech when his wife sitting at the other end of the table, sent him a piece of paper with the word “KISS” scribbled on it.
A guest seated next to the speaker said, “Your wife has sent you a KISS before you begin your speech. She must love you very much.” speaker replied, “You don't know my wife. The letters stand for “Keep It Short, Stupid.”

#joke
  • Currently 4.29/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (7)

“A man who cannot rea...

“A man who cannot read the sign that warns people from throwing garbage on the ground is illiterate.”

#joke #short
  • Currently 4.42/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (12)

SLIDESHOW #66 - Funny Photo Slideshow

One day a rich famous man went...

One day a rich famous man went to buy a sport car from a dealership. The price of the car was $80000 and the man had only $79998 to pay.
The sales associate insisted that the price is firm and it has to be $80000.
The man came out of the store and looked around and saw a poor man begging for help. He went toward him and introduced himself and asked if he is kind enough to lend him $2. The poor man asked the reason. He replied that he is willing to buy a car. The poor man though for a moment and gave the man $4 and said: Please buy one for me too.
#joke
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 3.25/10

Rating: 3.3/10 (4)

Funny video of the day - Best Fails of the Week 1 April 2014

Best Fails of the Week 1 April 2014 - Many funny fails from first week of April 2014 - link to page video is posted initially.
  • Currently 5.60/10

Rating: 5.6/10 (10)

Words of wisdom...

Always wanted to be a procrastinator, but never got around to it.

My friend has kleptomania, but when it gets bad, he takes something for it.

Never be afraid to try something new, Remember amateurs built the ark - Professionals built the Titanic.

Love is grand - divorce is a hundred grand.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common, they should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.

One of life's mysteries - How can a two pound box of candy make a person gain five pounds.

Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.

Age doesn't always bring wisdom, sometimes age comes alone.

Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.

#joke
  • Currently 4.83/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (6)

Funny Photo of the day - Old style new bicycle design

Old style new bicycle design - Just for hipsters or there will be regular folks using it? | Source : Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 4.89/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (9)

New secretary


Bob walked into his pal's office only to find Gareth looking depressed.

Bob asked, "Hey, what's with that long face?"

Gareth said, "You know my wife. She hired a new secretary for me."

Bob asked, "So what? Is she blonde or brunette?"

Gareth replied, "Neither. He's bald."
#joke #blonde
Joke | Source: Really Funny Jokes - Really Funny jokes, adult jokes, Good jokes, short funny jokes, teacher jokes, affair jokes, kids jokes, doctor jokes, funny pictures
  • Currently 4.08/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (13)

Chuck Norris is the reason why...

Chuck Norris is the reason why the chicken crossed the road.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 28 August 2012
  • Currently 3.75/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (8)

Newest Discovery


By R. J. Heathorn (* PUNCH, May 9, 1962)
A new aid to rapid--almost magical--learning has made its appearance. Indications are that if it catches on all the electronic gadgets will be so much junk.
The new device is known as Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge. The makers generally call it by its initials, BOOK.
Many advantages are claimed over the old-style learning and teaching aids on which most people are brought up nowadays. It has no wires, no electric circuit to break down. No connection is needed to an electricity power point. It is made entirely without mechanical parts to go wrong or need replacement.
Anyone can use BOOK, even children, and it fits comfortably into the hands. It can be conveniently used sitting in an armchair by the fire.
How does this revoluntionary, unbelievably easy invention work? Basically BOOK consists only of a large number of paper sheets. These may run to hundreds where BOOK covers a lengthy programme of information. Each sheet bears a number in sequence, so that the sheets cannot be used in the wrong order.
To make it even easier for the user to keep the sheets in the proper order they are held firmly in place by a special locking device called a "binding".
Each sheet of paper presents the user with an information sequence in the form of symbols, which he absorbs optically for automatic registration on the brain. When one sheet has been assimilated a flick of the finger turns it over and further information is found on the other side.
By using both sides of each sheet in this way a great economy is effected, thus reducing both the size and cost of BOOK. No buttons need to be pressed to move from one sheet to another, to open or close BOOK, or to start it working.
BOOK may be taken up at any time and used by merely opening it. Instantly it is ready for use. Nothing has to be connected up or switched on. The user may turn at will to any sheet, going backwards or forwards as he pleases. A sheet is provided near the beginnning as a location finder for any required information sequence.
A small accessory, available at trifling extra cost, is the BOOKmark. This enables the user to pick up his programme where he left off on the previous learning session. BOOKmark is versatile and may be used in any BOOK.
The initial cost varies with the size and subject matter. Already a vast range of BOOKs is available, covering every conceivable subject and adjusted to different levels of aptitude. One BOOK, small enough to be held in the hands, may contain an entire learning schedule.
Once purchased, BOOK requires no further upkeep cost; no batteries or wires are needed, since the motive power, thanks to an ingenious device patented by the makers, is supplied by the brain of the user.
BOOKs may be stored on handy shelves and for ease of reference the programme schedule is normally indicated on the back of the binding.
Altogether the Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge seems to have great advantages with no drawbacks. We predict a big future for it.


A Boss' response:
BOOK* does not, in spite of the claims, seem "to have great advantages with no drawbacks". Soon, it probably won't even be legal. Consider:
"It can be conveniently used sitting in an armchair by the fire." Being paper, it might burn in the fire. Probably fire laws in most locations wouldn't allow its use there. Worse, such a device, which encourages close proximity of the user to fire, will be outlawed by OSHA's request.
"Each sheet bears a number in sequence, so that the sheets cannot be used in the wrong order." How quaint; to think that the programmer (author) would be allowed to turn over such an important task to the user! "cannot" is clearly misuse; any user could incorrectly turn to the wrong page. A proper user interface might correct that, of course, such as requiring that each sheet be torn off to expose the next. This is a clear conflict with "The user may turn at will to any sheet, going backwards or forwards as he pleases." and "BOOKs may be stored on handy shelves and for ease of reference". The user interface obviously needs more work before such a system can be practical.
"the motive power -- is supplied by the brain of the user". Clearly, the inventors have not examined recent trends. No serious person would suggest even expecting a "user" to have a brain present, much less to use it so continuously.
I'd suggest the inventors return to their consoles and do a thorough associative search of various data banks, like the rest of us, and forget this nonsense.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 02 January 2011
  • Currently 5.88/10

Rating: 5.9/10 (8)

Calling the Last Rites

A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around. "A priest! Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd but finds no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind.
"A PRIEST, PLEASE!" the dying man says again. Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of age."Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now I'm living behind St. Mary's Catholic Church on Third Avenue, and every night I'm listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man."
The policeman agrees and brings the octogenarian over to the dying man. He kneels down, leans over the injured and says in a solemn voice: "B - 4. I - 19. N - 38. G - 54. O - 72."

#joke #policeman
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 24 March 2009
  • Currently 5.54/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (50)

Teenage Daughters

There's an Englishman, Irishman & Scotsman all talking about their teenage daughters...

The Englishman says " I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day & I found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she smokes".

The Scotsman says " That's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I came across a half full bottle of Vodka. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she drank."

With that the Irishman says " Both of you have got nothing to worry about. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I found packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn't even know she had a cock."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 10 February 2009
  • Currently 5.37/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (49)

Twenty Bucks

A man is walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows.

"Twenty bucks," she says. he'd never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the hell it's only twenty bucks.

They're going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them it's a police officer.

"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.

"I'm making love to my wife," the man answers indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."

"Well," said the man, "neither did I until you shined that light in her face."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 07 April 2011
  • Currently 7.61/10

Rating: 7.6/10 (54)

Chicken or the egg?

Which came first?

The chicken or the egg?

Neither... The rooster came first.

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 07 April 2009
  • Currently 6.68/10

Rating: 6.7/10 (47)

Going to Las Vegas

A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room.

"Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says.

"I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free."

The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well.

"Where do you think you going?" the wife asks.

"I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 07 April 2012
  • Currently 6.20/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (41)

A Game Of Animal Football


The animals were bored. Finally, the lion had an idea. "I know a really exciting game that the humans play called football. I've seen it on T.V."
He proceeded to describe it to the rest of the animals and they all got excited about it so they decided to play. They went out to the field and chose up teams and were ready to begin.
The lion's team received. They were able to get two first downs and then had to punt. The mule punted and the rhino was back deep for the kick. He caught the ball, lowered his head and charged. First, he crushed a roadrunner, then two rabbits. He gored a wildebeast, knocked over two cows, and broke through to daylight, scoring six.
Unfortunately, they lacked a placekicker, and the score remained 6 - 0.
Late in the first half the lion's team scored a touchdown and the mule kicked the extra point. The lion's team led at halftime 7 - 6. In the locker room, the lion gave a peptalk.
"Look you guys. We can win this game. We've got the lead and they only have one real threat. We've got to keep the ball away from the rhino, he's a killer. Mule, when you kick off be sure to keep it away from the rhino."
The second half began. Just as the mule was about to kick off, the rhino's team changed formation and the ball went directly to the rhino. Once again, the rhino lowered his head and was off running. First, he stomped two gazelles. He skewered a zebra, and bulldozed an elephant out of the way. It looked like he was home free. Suddenly at the twenty yard line, he dropped over dead. There were no other animals in sight anywhere near him. The lion went over to see what had happened. Right next to the dead rhino he saw a small centipede.
"Did you do this?" he asked the centipede.
"Yeah, I did." the centipede replied.
The lion retorted, "Where were you during the first half?"
"I was putting on my shoes."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 07 April 2011
  • Currently 5.63/10

Rating: 5.6/10 (35)

Some new vocabulary

arachnoleptic fit, noun:
The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

Beelzebug, noun:
Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 in the morning and cannot be cast out.

bozone, noun:
The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down at any time in the future.

cashtration, noun:
The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

caterpallor, noun:
The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

dopelar effect, noun:
(1) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when you come at them rapidly.
(2) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

extraterrestaurant, noun:
An eating place where you feel you've been abducted and experimented on. Also known as ETry.

foreploy, noun:
Any misrepresentation or outright lie about yourself that leads to sex.

Grantartica, noun:
The cold, isolated place where arts companies without funding dwell.

intaxication, noun:
Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

kinstirpation, noun:
A painful inability to get rid of relatives who come to visit.

lullabuoy, noun:
An idea that keeps floating into your head and prevents you from drifting off to sleep.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 07 April 2009
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Rating: 4.0/10 (13)

Midweek Mirth: A Collection of Short Jokes to Propel You to Friday

Did you hear about the terrible sinking of the cargo ship which was carrying shoes? Thousands of soles were lost to the sea that day.

I've found something my wife's bum doesn't look big in... The distance!

My wife says the salad I make tends to be a bit on the "dry" side. It's definitely something that needs addressing.

I went on a date with a girl who said she loved animals.
I said, "I work with animals every day."
She said, "That's so sweet. What do you do?"
I replied, "I'm a butcher!"

Scientists got bored after watching the Earth turn after 24 hours…
So they called it a day!

What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes.

Whats the best gift to give someone? A broken Drum. Nobody can beat it.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
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Rating: 8.3/10 (8)

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